aroace, genuinely here for the story :3c
I already love it so much >////<
every time I type on my phone or do anything with my hands I see tnem and it's amazing :3
just "Black to black", I think the lighting made it look a bit strange!!
it does!!!! on my right hand at least... on my left I messed it up a bit on two fingers TwT
but it's my first time so I can forgive myself!!!!
nope!! just some random stuff that was available at the store, Sally Hansen
aaaa >///<
every time I type on my phone or my computer or do literally anything with my hands I see them and it makes me so happy :3
cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/42754008
still at my friends house, so I have a lot more time and freedom on my hands now!!!!
his mom has offered me more colors to try, I'll definitely take that offer up :3
still at my friends house, so I have a lot more time and freedom on my hands now!!!!
his mom has offered me more colors to try, I'll definitely take that offer up :3
I just woke up and hair very messy :(
through the last of my high school years I just began to feel like shit, very depressed. couldn't put a reason to why or how, so I never got help for it. my thoughts became dangerous but I couldn't just... leave I had people that needed me and loved me too much for that. but still... it never changed the fact that I felt like I was living in third person.
traditional "guy" friendships were ones I never understood. I always had an easier time talking with girls my age, and especially when I clarified that I was aroace. I'm lucky that barrier could be broken from the get-go, but I still didn't feel complete.
in the mirror, I never saw a person that I actually loved. no matter what I wore or how I styled my facial/head hair, I was always doing it for someone else. I was trying to emulate what should've looked good, not what made me feel good.
seeing the hatred around trans people sprouting up around the U.S., I never understood it. my logic was, if they aren't hurting anyone, why is it an issue? and also being glad I wasn't being subjected to that hate. still... seeing other MTFs... no. that can't be me. I wouldn't even look good as a girl. I already look too masc. where would I start? that would uproot everything in my life. there's too much to lose...
I put up a good (bad?) fight. I suppressed those thoughts for nearly three years. nonetheless, two months after I turned 18, I was up far too late in the night and I tried on some different clothes. from there, it all came crashing down.
and now here I am. shaky, but sure of myself.
:3
LMAO might get myself one of those
I don’t even know where to start.
this week goes in as another one of the best weeks in my life, and yet it’s gone by so fast.
monday was obviously the start of it all. during my free periods at school I got back to the house to pack vital stuff I needed to stay at my friend’s place. you can’t exactly carry a suitcase while riding a bike, so after school I left it at his place and took the bus instead. grabbing my things, hobbling onto the bus, sitting down, and watching that house disappear behind me, I felt like one of the biggest battles was finally over: my fight for life.
tuesday was my test day. after being able to study the night before and in the morning before I left, I did way better than I think I ever expected. I guess that’s what happens when the biggest worries melt away.
wednesday we all drove to the mall. we grabbed dinner, walked around, and I personally got to look at some clothes and accessories for inspiration. couldn’t really buy them right now with my priorities and all, but at least I have an idea of what I can look for at the thrift store!
thursday I got called down to guidance in the morning. my spawnpoint had called the school without specifics and my counselor wanted to know what was going on. I’d never been close to her before that, but with my best self-interests in mind, I did tell her about me being trans and what was going on between spawnpoint and I. I explained that I felt safe at my friends house. she understood my situation, and reassured she wouldn’t tell my spawnpoint where I was, only that I was safe. after school our other friend came to the house and we headed out, this time by ourselves. I got to get some of my snacks at the supermarket and some ingredients for my pasta!!!! it turned out great :3 pasta for everyone
obligatory transit and food photos
today during free periods I had to go back to that house. riding the route back I felt anxious, and actually going in just made me start to cry, even though I knew no one would be there. it just didn’t feel like home anymore. I got the last of my stuff, borrowed school books, important legal documents, and a tiny blahaj I left behind the first time. now, I’m on the road for good.
tonight, I go back to my local LGBTQ+ center for their weekly event to meet more people around my age and engage with the services they offer there. I won’t be back until late, but this is what’s best for me and there won’t be anyone to stop me.
I don’t know where I would be without these wonderful people in my life. honestly, I thought that actually living at his house would create a weird dynamic especially within a week and learning all the quirks of this family. but I already feel so at home, and my friend seems to agree as well:
that made me cry happy tears.
if someone had asked me at the beginning of the year where I saw myself, at no point would I have ever guessed something like this. but this (mostly) independent, dynamic lifestyle, where I’m just going anywhere, doing what I need to get done for myself, and not being scared of getting in trouble is just so much better than what I had before, or even no life at all.
the only regret I have is leaving my brother behind. the last thing I ever texted him was “I still love you.”. I really hope he knows that, remembers it, and believes it. I never wanted to hurt him like this and I so desperately hope he doesn’t hate me for leaving, but the truth is I won’t know for sure anytime soon. I'm not reaching out because he won’t have to lie to my spawnpoint about it and get in trouble.
if at the end of a long day you come back to a place with people that love, respect, and support you for who you are, that's what makes a place a home. I’ve learned that now.
here’s to rounding off my school year and continuing my path forward, starting right here in my new home ❤️🥂
previously living under her roof I can assure you that there are no wrong conclusions here 💀
last Monday when I was doing my injections I was in a bit of a rush and forgot to put my sharps container away. next thing you know, my spawnpoint (birthgiver) finds out.
I obviously have to explain why there is a container of my used needles, but I don't tell her the full truth. I explain that it's a prescription, a doctor ordered it, and it's a part of my transition. I called my grandma as well (she's more understanding and accepting) and gave her a slightly better explanation just so she could reassure that it wasn't anything dangerous. my grandma understands I need to explain what HRT actually is on my own terms and I plan to with a session in therapy with spawnpoint.
spawnpoint was very distraught. she said some selfish and downright dangerous things and it took a while for me and my grandma to calm her down. this past week I'm sure that she still feels very hurt about me lying, not listening to her, and not being the me she envisioned, but I really couldn't care less. despite that, I'll try to work on forming some sort of a relationship again, even if it's just being civil for the sake of my brother. my logic is if spawnpoint's wellbeing is solid, she won't try and do something stupid that would would affect him...
spawnpoint wants me to stop the injections and she doesn't know what they actually do, but even if she did I don't think that would change her opinion, so no matter how many times she asks I tell her I'm withholding that information until we get to therapy, which is true.
no matter what happens, I'll always pull myself together and stand up for what's best for me.🤞
besides that, things have been pretty great honestly!!!! I went out and got some new shoes and top to complete an outfit I've been thinking about and I love it so much :3
going out with it today with my other railfan friend!!!! we're gonna be heading to some hotspot stations across NYC and plan to stop by the NYC Transit Museum as well!!! might splice together some clips and pics for my YT channel!!! (@NYMetroSpace if you're interested!!)
bye!!!!!
skipped stops
this weekend has some pretty odd service changes due to track work, so stops are skipped across all lines
hi hi everyone I'm back again :3
much has happened this week...
monday marks my second week of injections!!!! I can really feel the difference now compared to before... I feel like my default state of existence is at a higher baseline. it's so much harder to stifle a laugh or joy because it all feels so much stronger... those moments also stay with me for longer and improve my mood for the rest of a given day. my friend that's known me since before put it in a blunt way which I 100% agree with, hindsight 20/20 and all (lol):
colors look so much better now and especially this week... it's been so sunny lately with spring and every time I walk outside I feel like I'm on the brink of overstimulation!!!! red and pink are so pretty now... red is my new favorite color :3
flowers!!
tuesday I managed to secure a plausible lie with spawnpoint and I got myself to a trans support space!!!! first time being there I had no idea what to expect, but it turned out to be great!! it was super cozy and I just got to chill around for the most part in a dimly lit (💞💞) room. I got to introduce myself, get to know some other people there, played jackbox, talked about our favorite songs and had pizza, but after processing the experience fully yesterday evening (I often need that time before I can come to a proper conclusion) I cried a little bit. it was a place where I didn't know anyone and nobody knew the old me. I got to introduce myself with my actual name and I didn't have to pretend to be someone else. I got to feel a shared connection with so many people in a space and it's something I've never felt before. I loved it. going to school the next morning after that felt especially gruesome... but I can push through it. I'm definitely coming back next week :3
on my way back home
TRANSIT!!!!!!! taking the train/bus at night when the world is winding down is such a vibe. also brushing up on my video editing skills again!!!!!!!! (Kdenlive my beloved)
Finally got a decent bus shot
wednesday wasn't too crazy of a day, but I did manage to head to an interview for a job I'm interested in. they'll (hopefully) get back to me because it's a basic position in a local chain, but you never know. gimme gimme money I wanna buy lots of pretty things :3
overall I can confidently say HRT was so worth it... my days have felt so much longer and so many experiences feel so much higher than before. my overall mood has improved and I don't feel hollow. I don't feel like two different people anymore, just one great one. just knowing that while I can't really do much about my appearance/clothing/etc now while I'm still at home, I can still feel great inside and I'm setting myself up for success so early on. I don't want to waste any of my days... each one is a day worth experiencing, and each one brings me closer to freedom ❤️
yay!!! the doctor at PP walked me through the steps and it was way easier than I expected!!
she also gave me some syringes, needles, wipes and stuff because my pharmacy is being an ass and not stocking them... but I have my meds so I can do it for the next couple of weeks!!
I'll see how I feel the next couple of days and keep up on my spiro... I can't believe this is all happening so fast :3
transit - buses this time!!
terminal was pretty busy but I managed to snag some pics
New Flyer XN40 Xcelsior CNG
Gillig BRT Plus CNG
mfmmmmmffffhh
smoottg h skin
no more bumps
HOW DOES THIS WORK SO WELL AND WHERE HAHVE YOU BEE N AL L MY LFIE
if eel like I'm on drugsss
hehehhehahh-HHahaHAHAHAH ❤️
made a promise to get the big haj so today it's here. the rumors are true, it is very huggable and will make good friends with the others!!
another unixsocks post is in order... as soon as I clean up my desktop >:3
journey tidbits
hii ikea!!
blahaj jail (I couldn't free them)
friend spotted ($30!?? 😭😭)
fell for the dollar dog
friend acquired!! (+$30 credit card debt)
and you know you're dealing with the transit girl so I had to get some railfanning in!!
heheehehehehehehehehheeehehhe.,.,,..
I love it I love it I love it
I was gonna write about this yesterday evening, but I did a lot of biking around after the appointment and when I got home I basically collapsed on my couch immediately, but anyway
for me the only planned parenthood was outside of town in a kinda sketchy area, but once I got inside the staff were super respectful and even the security guard was warm and told me not to drink the waiting room water because it wasn't filtered 😅
the doctor there asked some basic questions about how I was feeling and what I wanted from HRT, but I honestly think I started scaring her... describing my plethora of dysphoria symptoms and my spawnpoint's lack of receptiveness like I was talking about the weather but I don't get super emotional in public... sorry lady, I promise I'll get a therapist soon!! She also gave me resources for that and a support group that meets """nearby""" weekly but still a little far, not sure if I'll be able to go often if at all but I'll see if I can check it out when I have the chance
my bloodwork checked out, and prescriptions for injections were sent to my pharmacy the same day!! I'll have to pick them up when they're stocked later but other than that I feel good... I just got a great thing done for myself... :3
other than that I will literally smooch the person who made public transit a thing on the cheek 300 TIMES OVER
without this fucker none of this would be possible, I got there and back home so quickly without a STUPID CAR or needing help from anybody else
absolutely!! can almost always tell or at the very least suspect when something is AI-generated and it's very offputting. makes me less likely to engage with whatever it is