Monster96

I saw a video on YouTube a while back talking about obscure games (I've been searching for this particular video but I can't find it anywhere) and one of the games featured was a surreal, almost nightmarish looking game. It was a first person game where you were moving down a long road that had eyeballs on the sides watching you as you passed by. The sky was blood red and in the distance was completely black. If I remember correctly it looked like a retro game with 2.5d graphics.

I don't know if it was fever dream but I swear I've seen this game before.

What's the point of everything? What are we heading towards? There's got to be a reason why we were put here. Why was I put here? To sit at a computer all day and work for another person making spreadsheets and drawing a bird over and over again? Surely that can't be the reason.

I often hear that "life is a gift", but this is shittiest gift I've ever received. A life full of 9 to 5, too tired to do anything, alone all the time, bills, no money. In post apocalyptic movies there's the risk of death but at least they're alive. Have something to do and appreciating every moment they have breath in their lungs. But, not me. No reason to wake up early other than to be tired at a computer desk. Nothing to look forward to other than the morning coffee. Life is monotonous. Even with stuff to do it's a fleeting feeling. Disappearing the next day knowing that such an event is an anomaly. No fun is to be had.

Movies, video games, and YouTube provide the illusion of being alive. Of breathing for the first time. Of smelling the fresh air of a mountain top. Feeling the touch of a lover. Hearing the laugh of a friend. The feeling of being wanted.

But it's only an illusion that makes my eyes water and my back stiff. Instead of warmth, I get wrist pain. Instead of happiness, I get eye strain. Instead of a living, I get existing.

I read that our lives were born of star dust. Our world is perfectly situated to harbour the gift of life brought down from the void above us by asteroids and comets. The gift of life is unusual it seems. If that's the case...

Why was I put here and cursed to live this life of loneliness?

Here's what happened in the span of two months. My aunts mom died due to a sickness. My uncle died due to sickness and basically giving up. My other aunt got diagnosed with the worst disease you can get so she's starting treatment. This morning, we just got the news that my grandma might be bedridden for the rest of her life due to a medical condition.

The one good thing, be it a tiny piece of good news, is that my dads existing condition is improving but that doesn't mean he's completely cured.

I don't know what's going on. I don't know why this is happening. Why is this happening all at once and close to Christmas no less? I tried to run away and go on vacation, which I am currently on right now, but even here we're getting all this bad news. Work is calling me. Doctors are calling my family members. It feels like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and no matter what I do, I can't get a rest.

Life blows. If this is what life is meant to be, I wouldn't have made an effort to make it this far. I should've just stayed in bed.

I recently rewatched the video of the woman on the plane screaming that the passenger beside her wasn't human and it got me thinking about something I've seen.

I remember seeing a teenage girl in a small food store I go to address the guy behind the counter as 'human'. "Thanks, human." Stuff like that. I think she was just doing a bit or something but I thought it was strange.

For me, it was a long talk I had with a random person on Omegle when that was a thing. I was bored one night so I decided to give it a try and I was matched with someone who I had nearly a 2 hour conversation with. We told jokes, told each other about ourselves, and talked like we were lifelong friends. But, we never did tell each other our names. I could've talked to this person all night but the interaction turned for the worst near the end. The person was depressed from what I gathered and the depression arose and the conversation fizzled out. I still think about them nearly 6 years later and hope that they are doing good whoever they were.

For example, I once saw a man throw his hat down in anger. He didn't stomp on it which was kind of a let down.

Actual video starts at 4:00