this post was submitted on 26 Mar 2025
628 points (98.8% liked)

Not The Onion

15614 readers
1814 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 29 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] [email protected] 147 points 1 week ago (2 children)

In an ideal world, the Secretary of Defense and the town drunk are two different people.

[–] [email protected] 70 points 1 week ago (1 children)

In an okayish world, even.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 week ago

LOL even in a lunatics running the asylum world, they would know not to put the town drunk in charge of the nukes! Sure, they would do all sorts of inexcusable, irrational, funny as hell to them but really not funny at all things, but they would immediately stop in their tracks if someone said lets give the keys to the nukes to drunk Pete!?! They would give him the keys to his car sure, but NOT to the flippin' nukes?! I don't know what reality we've entered into but I don't like it and I'm at a pretty safe distance form it all, at least for now!?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 week ago

Doesn't sound very EFFICIENT to me.

[–] [email protected] 86 points 1 week ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Hilarious if true.... Or not. Either way!

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 week ago

I wish i could claim to be the originator, but alas I, as is custom, "borrowed" it from someone else

[–] [email protected] 79 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Might be easier to ask if he is ever sober

[–] [email protected] 19 points 1 week ago

If he was drunk would he lie?

[–] [email protected] 59 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Well, finally. It took nearly a year for US news outlets to call Trump a liar for lying. Maybe it will take less time for Democrats to call a degenerate drunk a drunk.

[–] [email protected] 46 points 1 week ago (2 children)

My first reaction to the title was "Why would Intel know anything? They make computer processors"

[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Were you drinking before posting this reply?

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I mean, yes, but I fail to see how that's relevant.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 week ago

Neither does Pete!

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago

I read it as Incel Leaders.

[–] [email protected] 40 points 1 week ago

Did he ask Schumer if that was allowed? After all we WOULDNT want to ALIENATE Republican Voters who will NEVER vote Democrat!

[–] [email protected] 29 points 1 week ago

And why you don't go with a DUI hire.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Dammit, Kif! Where's the little umbrella? That's what makes it a scotch on the rocks.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 week ago
[–] [email protected] 20 points 1 week ago

Hegseth is just a social classified information leaker. Only when friends are around and only in moderation.

[–] [email protected] 20 points 1 week ago

Who here would be able to get through any of this bullshit sober?

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 week ago

”Much as we might be sympathetic to people with continuing alcohol problems, they shouldn’t be at the top of our national-security structure,” Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn.) told The New Yorker

Source and more about Pete's relationship with alcohol

[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 week ago
[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago

well it was a day ending in y

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 week ago

Heads up: this is what actual oversight looks like.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 week ago

Drunk whilst making texting, coked up when delivering his 'defense'.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 week ago

Yup just a drunk mistake and not an inherently incompetent staff

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 week ago
[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 week ago

That photo is pretty good