this post was submitted on 05 Oct 2026
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Not The Onion

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[–] LovableSidekick@lemmy.world 4 points 3 hours ago* (last edited 3 hours ago)

Man wakes up from coma, figures out how to make bank on it.

[–] phutatorius@lemmy.zip 11 points 7 hours ago

Then he woke up on sticky sheets.

[–] BradleyUffner@lemmy.world 2 points 5 hours ago

Vroom vroom

[–] Archangel1313@lemmy.ca 3 points 6 hours ago

Is he talking about the horse...or the car?

[–] Cethin@lemmy.zip 7 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

This is not meant to be criticism, but I think this guy has been repressing something for a long time...

[–] OrteilGenou@lemmy.world 4 points 8 hours ago

His love for horses, Hispanic first names, and human biology?

[–] HerbalGamer@sh.itjust.works 2 points 7 hours ago

stay prayed up

i thought he looked like this

[–] itisileclerk@lemmy.world 4 points 9 hours ago

Why this is published? Today the more nonsesnse you say, the more chance to go public. Like "God exist" or "I was in Heaven" or "Jesus died and resurected" or "God tell me stories and I write them".

[–] tigermountain@lemmy.world 4 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

Wait a minute, I spent 20 days in heaven and jesus was a short Chinese guy with glasses who was nervous around women. This guy is lying.

[–] IhaveCrabs111@lemmy.world 3 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago)

You are both wrong. My version of Jesus is right. Which means you’re both evil and are going to hell.

[–] nanometer1625@thelemmy.club 10 points 12 hours ago

He must be Dothraki. He met "the stallion who mounts the world".

[–] Evotech@lemmy.world 10 points 12 hours ago

Why did he get a platform lol

[–] Malica@lemmy.zip 2 points 9 hours ago
[–] uriel238@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 9 hours ago

'6ft but as tall as eternity’ and a ‘Mustang full of testosterone’

We routinely get tales of NDEs and the ones that reflect (modern interpretations of) Christian Heaven get a lot of sponsorship, so this is not a novel news story.

But the above hagiographic and Hegsethian description drives the hypothesis that only imagination and personal bias inform NDE experiences.

[–] explodicle@sh.itjust.works 1 points 10 hours ago (2 children)

6ft isn't even particularly tall in the USA

[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 6 points 8 hours ago

I suspect this guy went on a drug bender and fucked a donkey.

[–] doingthestuff@lemy.lol 1 points 9 hours ago

He was also supposed to be not particularly attractive, based on old testament prophesy about the messiah

[–] ZILtoid1991@lemmy.world 20 points 20 hours ago

Sounds homoerotic, but OK.

Maybe "heaven" was spending 18 days with a Latin American lover called Jesus.

[–] fedikitty@piefed.social 25 points 21 hours ago

Well somebody is suppressing their sexuality.

[–] OldChicoAle@lemmy.world 26 points 23 hours ago (1 children)

The impact cracked the then 20-year-old’s skull, causing a traumatic brain injury.

Fox News is like, "brain damage?! Bring him on!!"

Seriously, how dumb are Americans? It astounds me daily for some reason. How convenient that "heaven" is just like that fantasy novel that you've internalized and convinced yourself is actual history? I'll file this with the people that have conversations with god

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[–] myyass@lemmy.world 8 points 20 hours ago (1 children)

Great. Now the FBI is going to raid Heaven.

[–] OldManWithACane@lemmy.zip 2 points 7 hours ago (1 children)
[–] myyass@lemmy.world 1 points 4 hours ago

That's classified.

[–] finallymadeanaccount@lemmy.world 16 points 23 hours ago (1 children)

Jules: You read the Bible, Brett?

Brett: Yes.

Jules: Well, there's this passage I got memorized, sorta fits the occasion. Ezekiel 23:20:

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

[–] altphoto@lemmy.today 7 points 13 hours ago

This was eye opening. I mean, it didn't hurt. It did go in my eye but that's how I read. I mean to say that everything went into my right eye, the donkey cock, the emissions. But not like that.

[–] RaoulDuke25@lemmy.dbzer0.com 17 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Then jesus put his 2ft horse cock in his mouth so he could swallow the sins of man.

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[–] CoconutLove@lemmy.today 62 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Fox News interviews brain damaged man suffering from delusions

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[–] phoenixz@lemmy.ca 18 points 1 day ago

USA?

guy with mental illness having hallucinations is taken seriously

USA

[–] biofaust@lemmy.world 6 points 20 hours ago (1 children)
[–] Leviathan@lemmy.world 13 points 20 hours ago (1 children)

Wouldn't be surprised at this point if he hallucinated a fancy Ford.

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[–] noxypaws@pawb.social 7 points 21 hours ago (1 children)

if christianity rebranded jesus to be an extremely male and extremely verile free-roaming horse I would have to seriously rethink my atheism.

[–] InternetCitizen2@lemmy.world 2 points 12 hours ago

Its always been that way. Satan has blinded you from the truth. /s

[–] Lumisal@lemmy.world 39 points 1 day ago (6 children)

Huh, guess the Koreans are the ones with the correct depiction then. Go figure.

[–] mobyduck648@lemmy.world 1 points 6 hours ago

When you carry your cross so much you get hench one punch man style.

[–] SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca 3 points 9 hours ago

"...and on the 8th day, he doth roided up".

[–] phutatorius@lemmy.zip 1 points 7 hours ago (2 children)

His schwantz should be hanging below the loincloth.

[–] Lumisal@lemmy.world 2 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago)

Grower not a show-er; you must have faith

[–] HerbalGamer@sh.itjust.works 1 points 7 hours ago

It's "Schwanz", without the T.

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