I mean, weren’t the Spartans kinda gay, at least by modern standards? Or at least, same sex activity was pretty normalized, even encouraged, as a society?
this post was submitted on 25 Nov 2024
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Kind of. Male-male relationships were widespread in Ancient Greece, but typically as part of a temporary mentor-student relationship between a teen and an adult man.
The Theban Sacred Band was exclusively gay, and more 'recognizable' to modern eyes, as it consisted of adult male couples who swore sacred oaths to be loyal to one another.
Who among us hasn't sworn a sacred oath to be loyal to their best friend? That doesn't make us gay. We just raised corgis together for 40 years in a one bedroom house to save money and asked to be buried together.
"We just had sex together in the military for a few years and expressed our undying love for each other because that's just What You Do in the Sacred Band. No homo, right bro?"
Bro, as he picks up their adopted son: "No homo, babe"
I mean you go to the gym and exercise naked with other naked dudes, then chill with dudes at the market while your slaves do the shopping, then maybe go with your buddies to watch naked dudes wrestling, before having a night long drinking session where ladies are forbidden to do anything except like bring you figs while you watch an older guy fondling a young dude. They were gay as fuuuuuuck.
The more I read about greek history, the more I realise Greece's most annoying enemy was Sparta.
Plutarch reports that one Theban soldier, upon seeing the enemy force, said to Pelopidas "We are fallen into our enemies' hands," to which Pelopidas replied "And why not they into ours?"
Pelopidas then ordered the Theban cavalry to charge while the infantry formed up into an abnormally dense formation.
When the two phalanxes came together, the compact Theban formation broke through the Spartan line at the point of contact, then turned to attack the vulnerable flanks of the Spartans to either side.
The Spartan force broke and fled
This needs to be funded. I don't care if it ends up on Netflix or Pornhub.
“We are fallen into our enemies’ hands,” to which Pelopidas replied “And why not they into ours?”
Unironically one of my favorite historical exchanges ever. Seize the moment!
Similar to these, attributed to Chesty Puller:
"We're surrounded. That simplifies the problem."
"They're on our left, they're on our right, they're in front of us, they're behind us … They can't get away this time.”
Also just a reminder that the Spartans were, as far as historians can tell, just “mostly okay” at military stuff for most of their history, and they were kinda bad at meaningful management of an Ancient Greek polis economy, but they were excellent at oppression, self-aggrandizement, and propaganda.
I can already hear the Hollywood execs salivating