Ask Lemmy

"I bet we'll see you on the news someday."

I was playing TF2 the other day and someone senta message in chat that was just a link to a state unemployement benefits page lmao.

My absolute favorite...

You're not pretty enough to be that dumb

Not sure if this qualifies but I always liked the countryness of "so stupid they couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel".

'you're not like other people are you?'

'you know how everyone hates the French? Even the French hate you...'

Two I like from history:

A lady called Winston Churchill drunk. Churchill replied: "Madam, I may be drunk, but you are ugly. I shall be sober in the morning."

Robert Muldoon, Prime Minister of New Zealand, when asked about the migration of NZers to Australia replied "Well, it raises the IQ of both countries."

"The young gentleman is an excellent ration powered space heater."

Heard this back in basic for a young officer cadet who was absolutely useless aside from the fact that they were capable of heating up a ten person tent via their normal body heat.

Heard a new one related to men dating women way too young for them: "Those old men walkin' around with embryos"

From a goodwill cashier

Until hearing you talk, I never thought lobotomies could make people smarter

Couldn't happen to a better person.

(After a trajedy or mishap)

ITT: A bunch of exotic insults that make people look like redditors

"A face for radio" is a classic

"This is why people talk about you"

I've always been partial to:

"You're at the top of the bell curve!"

Because it sounds like a compliment, gets taken as an insult, but really you're just calling them average.

It's a whole different level of demoralizing when they finally figure it out.

The comments have devolved into the less mundane and just regular insults, so I'll throw this one in here:

You're as thick as a brick sandwich

To a performer: “Every time you perform is better than the next.”

To anyone: “I find you argumentative and easily offended.”

Best part of an insult is heading off the retort.

One I saw on Lemmy and remembered was "You have nothing but potential"

The Monty Python French taunters classic is a scathing insult and noone gets it. Break down the line:

"Your mother was a hampster, and your father smelt of elderberries"

Firstly, they are calling your mother a fast-breeding rodent, ergo, your mother is a whore, that one is simple. Second, why would your father smell of elderberries? What was it used for at the time? Wine, but better wine would be made from grapes from France or southern England, implying your father was was not just a drunk, but a cheap drunk.

Its one of the most insulting lines ever uttered on film and it has so many layers, which is why that movie is hillarious.

"Your family tree is a circle"

Two more I’ve heard over the years:

‘You should carry around a potted plant to replace the oxygen you’re wasting’

And:

‘Your head is really just a place to store your teeth isn’t it?

Don’t argue with that guy, he’s the Joe Rogan kind of smart.

I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes

And just for that one moment I could be you

Yes, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes

You'd know what a drag it is to see you

Bob Dylan, Positively 4th Street

I enjoy how you always find a way to renew my appreciation for silence.

A few I've acquired over the years.

• "At this point, you can only impress me."
• "My opinion of you can only go up from here"
• "The bar was on the ground and you brought a shovel."
• Unencumbered by the thought process.
• "You're the reason we have warning labels."
• "They only got two brain cells and both of them are fighting for third place."
• "It's impossible to underestimate you."
• "If you were half as smart as you think you are, you’d be twice as smart as you really are."
• "If you ever had a clever thought, it died alone and afraid."
• "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
• "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
• "May I ask what's on your mind, if you'll forgive the overstatement?"
• "You could hide your own Easter eggs."
• "I can explain it again, if you'd like, but I can't understand for you."
• "He is a modest man with much to be modest about."
• "I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong"

"Anyone ever tell you that you've done a great job lately?"

"No" (This one requires a no answer)

"Think about that, then."

Any variation of phrases where you express disappointment in someone/something

I'd try to explain it slower but I don't believe speed is the problem

"If all the village idiots, in all of the villages, left their villages, and formed their own village, of idiots. In that village, you would be the village idiot." - Colin Lane

"Don't be so humble. You're not that great." - Maria Bamford's dad.

"People say you're a real wit, but I think they're only half right." - me