How much of this is the contractors being sexists and how much is it them being used to, far too often, having to manage the fragile ego of a male partner who thinks that "as the man of the house I'm suppose to know these things"?
this post was submitted on 24 Aug 2026
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And how much is it society having conditioned women into "oh I don't know anything about that" when it comes to anything technical, including home repairs and such so they don't even try to pay attention? Because I've encountered women of all ages who are impressed to hear a woman could do anything considered a man's job traditionally. It's a sort of learned helplessness to the point some think they need a man's help to put together IKEA furniture. Not because they're incapable of doing it but because they've been taught that they're incapable of doing it.
Gender stereotyping is a vicious cycle (multiple cycles even) and definitelly goes through both genders.
Mind you, in my experience it does have some cultural component to how far it goes, but even in the most gender-egalitarian country I lived in (The Netherlands) there were still plenty such expectations and, for example, before the remote working era the percentage of couples there with a huisman (the male version of housewife) was only 18%.
To be clear, she doesn't need to be the technical one to be the one in charge of the decisions.
My mom is the same. "I need a man to do this!"
Well, damn. I had no idea fixing my own appliances, doing home maintenance, and making repairs meant I was a man! It's a good thing my partner is bisexual.
It was incredibly frustrating because I would try to get included on these things as a kid but I would be turned away. I had to figure most of it out myself. (Thank you, internet.)
That's where you actively go "Woah, better spread those handshakes around. If the boss don't sign off on the plans, my word means nothing!" You give them an out. If they're sexist, they may engage with an "heh heh, I know how it is, women!" but if they're cautious they will hopefully just go to being professionally cordial with your partner.
Whilst I'm not sure about contractors specifically, at least in my technical area "Software Development" having the expertise/insight in the social domain (which is not part of the expertise required for the job) to do things like that is more the exception than the rule.
But, yeah, totally agree that the wise, well-rounded and (IMHO) competent professional would at the very least do a bit of subtle "social discovery" to try and figure out who is the best person the interface with.
Given how frequently it happens even with no male partners or it continues despite the male partner saying to talk to the wife about, I'm am gonna guess it's pretty uncommon to be the primary factor.
My mom tries to get rid of salesman by deferring to my dad, who then immediately folds to whatever BS the salesman throws his way. He was damn close to signing up to pay someone to put solar panels on their house which he would then also have to also pay for the electricity generated by those panels until I re-stated it to him and was like "do you not see how fucking stupid that sounds? What are you getting out of this?"
I imagine it's a lot of both
i wonder what tends to happen when theres no man for them to sexistly prioritize
to those of u here in the comments who live in households without men, what does happen? what have you experienced?
My lesbian coworker who looks like a teen once told me that the repair person met her and her wife, and they thought they were sisters, and asked for their dad.
My partner is taller than me. They go to her. Even when she has to come get me to explain it better.
Interesting choice, especially when I am the one that pays for the services as well.
cursed
I was taught you first greet the women present and only then the men, because that is the gentlemanly thing to do. But alas, I was also taught to respect women and people in general.
If you respect them equally then why is there an order of operations?
Why are there quotas for women and PoCs in some companies? To get rid of a bad social tradition you have to actively work to undermine it until this work isn't needed anymore.
But honestly, it's just because I have been taught to be a gentleman to women by my mother. I do think though that they have SO much shit to deal with in our society, it's okay to value them a little more than men now and then.
Group hug.
Had a salesman with a roofing company at my house with my wife while I was at work. He wouldn't let her sign the contract without me there when I literally don't care. Put a fuckin rainbow roof on it for all I care. This is a company we had worked with in the past with no issue.
It just came off super sexist, and really gave me the ick. We don't work with them anymore.
In all fairness I have had a contractor come and do a quote when my wife wasnt home make a time and come back when we would both be home, talk the whole thing over with both of us and have us both sign. "Everyone needs to be in agreement, once we start work any miscommunications can be a nightmare to unravel" that being said if you cant/wont/dont communicate that well that is still shitting the bed.
Sounds like buddy had been burned before lol
Any married guy with an NFT profile pic is no longer in access to the family accounts
Can offer a living example. My wife made all the major decisions in the house, but also worked for a medium sized contractor and was persnickety about details I didn't at all understand.
I'm building a rehearsal room from scratch. The builder showed up, spoke mostly to my father, ignoring me. They're ageist too. And the builder was closer in age to me, which is hilarious
The wife is in charge of all finances after the husband spent $12,000 on an NFT profile pic
Had that with a carpenter who was bidding for the new windows in a friends apartment. I was there as a visitor for a completely unrelated reason when he showed up and only looked at me and never talked to her while answering her questions.
Boy, did she drop him from the list of possible contractors.
Went along with a friend when she went car shopping, had a nice lady sales rep, really knew her stuff. They were close to signing and the assistant manager comes over and sends the rep my friend was dealing with away. Guess he thought he would swoop in and seal the deal, take all the glory....and the commission.
Guy refused to look at or speak to my friend, everything was directed at me. Got to the point where I asked quite loud why he was speaking to me, I have nothing to do with the sale. He STILL wouldn't look at or speak to my friend. So we left.
Friend went back a few days later to see if the lady rep was there. Apparently the assistant manager's shenanigans were being watched by someone from the regional office, and he'd got himself shit-canned from the largest dealer group in the country. Love to see it.
The last time I went car shopping, it was as the ride for my carless roommate (we were dating, but he introduced me to the car rep as his ride and roommate). He ended up talking to a manager about a car and the manager kept bad-mouthing my car, talking about how unsafe it was, etc. I just kept knitting next to him because the whole situation was not my problem, but I was confused until my roommate said pointedly "you're not going to get my roommate's car as a trade-in". I got up to help myself to their snacks and coffee.
He did not get a car from that dealership.
As the husband in such situations, I find this very frustrating from a practical perspective.
Guy comes over to install some tech. Me and my wife are both home. I'm working, she's doing chores. She knows her stuff and did the research, I very clearly don't know shit about fuck. Guy looks for me every time he has a question. The answer is always "I don't know, but my wife does". After I tell him this, he still doesn't ask her, just makes a decision on his own, so I have to drop everything and get her to make sure he doesn't fuck things up. At one point, I had to ask my wife to physically stand next to the dude so that he wouldn't interrupt an important meeting. She later told me he still tried to look for me.
When we need repairs or some kind of work done, I have to be the one making the call because I'm less likely to be ripped off or treated rudely. And since I'm dumb, I have to prepare for these calls because they sometimes cross-examine you with terms I never even heard of. In the middle of a busy workday, while my wife has the time and the know-how. We share household tasks with my wife as equally as possible, I'm just stuck with this.
Female contractors popped up in the area recently. I instantly chose them every time. No such issues.
I'd be tempted to play dumb and keep saying we need a bigger discount until the guy gives up and talks to my wife about the project.
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When I sold cars I was explicitly told to never ignore the wife and if I did it was an immediate deal killer.
In job interviews, we pay attention to if the applicant gives eye contact and engages with the female staff members.
It's a red flag when they don't.
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My sister went through 3 potential builders before she found one that would even address her rather than her husband.
She, the extremely qualified, professional architect who works restoring ancient buildings and who's name is on the structural plans and diagrams as the engineer picked the first people who could identify that her husband couldn't tell a hammer from a screwdriver.
Work is being done by a professional, that is how you should know it is my partner to speak to, not me. If it was me I would be happy with the 5 layers of duct tape applied while I was drunk and have been perfectly serviceable for months now.
Don't worry - this fix is just temporary ^(unless it works)
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