Ask Lemmy

It's rude to discuss your salary at work

"Work hard and you will be rewarded."

With more work.

"If you don't profit from it, someone else will, so you might as well get yours."

Don't even get me started on how toxic and self-centered this is...

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Your silence in the face of injustice is what enables abuse.

curl | bash

"Get a job doing something you live doing." Only if you want to learn to hate something you loved. Doing anything as work builds resentment, you're better off finding something you can tolerate. Save the stuff you love for hobbies or as a last resort your own business, not working for anyone else.

For me I think growing up constantly told “you’re so smart, you’ll figure it all out” was more detrimental than helpful. It led me to believe I’d cruise through life pretty easily. I’m happy with where life’s taken me and the point I’m at now but I could’ve gotten there a lot faster if I would’ve applied myself more. Just because a kid is into computers doesn’t mean they’ll be some sort of genius.

• Money doesn’t buy happiness. YES IT DOES
• Everything happens for a reason. Yeah sure and the reasons are because of someone’s action or inaction. There is no all knowing benevolent deity effecting things in our lives.

"Crime doesn't pay"

Tell that to the companies which get a few million in fines for stealing tens of millions in wages.

Dress warmly or you will catch a cold.

And

Respect your elders.

"Blood is thicker than water" meaning family is more important than chosen relationships.

And before any smartypants claims it used to mean something else, there is no evidence of that.

"She's your mother! Show some respect" <- friends and family after every toxic, manipulative, narcissistic thing that woman did. The eternal free pass.

Good things come to those who wait.

You can be anything you want.

If you worry about being a narcissist, you are not one. A narcissist would never introspect like that or care.

False. If you suspect narcissistic personality disorder, it is completely valid and you probably need to research the vulnerable side of it or the covert side of it.

Grandiose is the one with an inflated-ego, the famous one, and the DSM-5 describes mostly the grandiose narcissist. Vulnerable is the one where you feel like a misunderstood outcast or a victim of others, maybe even like a "stupid piece of shit" (quoting Bojack Horseman) that possibly deserved your hardships in life.

People with NPD or NPD traits can oscillate between different levels of these two presentations throughout their lives.

Overt is when you show that in 'public' (either grandiose or vulnerable). Covert is when nobody knows or can confirm you feel this way (either grandiose or vulnerable), it's more of a secret.

In recent years, I've met people with undiagnosed NPD later confirmed and a person with diagnosed BPD with not enough narcissistic traits for a diagnosis, but some important ones there. That's only to exemplify that it is not uncommon. I'm glad they were curious and open.

It's crazy to think that a whole diagnostic category and clinical spectrum is in the shadows because of that myth: "you wouldn't be thinking about it". Of course you would, person receiving that "advice", you are not an idiot and I'm sure you are noticing something about yourself. You deserve to know if it's NPD or some other thing, and to get help and to feel better about your life.

"Don't care what other people think about you"

Sounds like permission to be an asshole.

I understand what it's trying to say, but assholes don't mind borrowing the mantra.

Peeing on a jellyfish sting. It doesn't do anything, except maybe humiliate a person who's already in pain.

"Be yourself" in regards to dating.

I don't know about most people, but I was an absolute asshat in my twenties.

If I had to rephrase that for myself, it would be to read a bunch of books, work out, and learn to be more socially acceptable so people can tolerate my stupid ass and actually want to date me.

(fyi that was like two decades ago and I'm happily married with two kids. )

Old & busted: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

New hotness: do unto others as they would have you do unto them.

"Buy experiences, not things"

The rationale isn't exactly wrong for the comparison, but it smuggles in an underlying assumption that it's reasonable and normal to be spending all your available money in an effort to be happy. Money is way more useful for reinforcing your continued survival and freedom than for anything else and the idea that it's good for regulating your emotions beyond that is a deception geared towards keeping consumer spending up.

Use AI.

"If you didn't hear back about the application, reach out to the company/recruiter/interviewer." - they're either not into you or swamped trying to get things lined up to move forward or both. Either way they don't want to hear from you because you're not getting it or they are working on it. Just pretend you didn't get it and move on.

"Personalize your cover letter for each job application." - no one has read that shit in years--and that was before AI slop started doing them all for people---and good companies don't ask for them anymore as it's cruel to waste applicants time on them.

"Ask for what you're worth in the interview/during a promotion/counteroffer!" - this one comes with an asterix as it's not always terrible advice, but well-run orgs gave a budget for your role, know what the job generally pays for the skills it requires and can't go much outside of it at all or they'll create pay equity issues which is against the law in most states if not federally, depending. I say all that and close by saying most companies aren't well run, so they're just trying to save money, but some are actually working withing a good system so don't take it personally if they don't or can't offer you more.