No Stupid Questions

It's weird, but not NEARLY as weird as your obsession with age-gap relationships.

How many accounts are you going to get banned on this question?

i wouldn't find anything common with a 25 year old myself. i think it would be less of an issue if the younger was 30+. obviously the older you are the wider the acceptable gap. once both parties are 35+ i think the gap doesn't matter at all.

It has zero impact on my life therefore I don't care.

Are you seeking validation, or condemnation?

Both adults.

I have other things to care about.

I think it’s kinda weird and likely indicates that one or both have some unresolved parental issues. I even may silently judge, but it’s none of my business otherwise.

People in different stages of life like that generally don’t have a ton to relate on. Can it work? Sure. Does it usually work long term? Nah

Weird for sure. Why do you keep on asking this question in different ways on different accounts? Are you trying to justify it? Is it a fetish?

Inquiring minds want to know!

We answered this question ten years ago

https://xkcd.com/314/

At 46, 30 is the limit

Whatever. They're both old enough to know better.

None of my fucking business.

See, that's the thing about people being grown-ass adults. They get to decide what does and doesn't work for them.

And, despite people that want to knee jerk the matter, there's less difference between those two ages than there is between a 21 and 25 year old.

Personal development is heavily front loaded. By the mid to late twenties, most people are who they'll always be. Friendship, romance, whatever. The only real barrier to age gaps are cultural touchstones and a handful of probable experiences (like job stuff, kids, etc) that aren't even guaranteed to not be present.

Folks just get all het up over it because they're morons that can't look outside of themselves long enough to realize that their motivations and concepts towards other people aren't actually universal.

Two consenting adults are just fine, and nobody else has an opinion that matters about them

I’ve seen it before. Never seen it work out, but I have seen it. How do I feel about it? Assuming it’s an otherwise healthy relationship with good communication and there’s no abuse, I personally couldn’t care less. I have no idea what those two people would have in common in terms of personality, interests, or goals, but that’s not my business.

The problem is that every time I’ve seen it, the power balance is incredibly lopsided. Generally an insecure older person who projects strength and wisdom and a troubled younger person who craves stability and authority. The older one usually gets controlling and jealous and the younger eventually catches on and uses that jealousy to manipulate the older person. It’s always a toxic mess when it gets to that point.

It’s not about the age gap. They’re adults. The same rules apply to any relationship. If nobody’s being manipulated, abused, taken advantage of or harmed, then people need to mind their own business.

When I was 25, I would have said "of course it's not a problem, they're both adults. As long as they're happy it's fine." and that is true, but now that I'm closer to 46 I have some additional caveats around "as long as they're happy".

You know how in order to really develop a skill, you have to do it for a long time? I think relationships are like that. If I were to compare it to chess, this scenario is kind of like someone who's been playing chess competitively for 20 years playing against someone playing their first major tournament. It doesn't mean that the more experienced player is guaranteed to win, or even that they're better at chess, but it does confer some advantage because playing in a tournament is very different from playing chess casually or in clubs. There's money at stake, your reputation is on the line, people may be watching you play and commentating in real time. It's just a different activity altogether, even though it is still technically "just playing chess". It really helps to get a few tournaments under your belt to get comfortable with the nerves, the additional tournament rules, publicly making a really stupid error, etc. If it's your first time you might make some rookie errors. That's part of being a rookie.

Where the analogy breaks down is that with chess, there is a brief competition with clear rules and referees, and there is (almost) always a clear outcome: win, lose, or draw. With relationships, A) it's supposed to be cooperative, not a competition, and B) if your relationship partner is skilled at manipulation, you could be in a losing position for a long time and not know it, because you haven't had the time to develop the skills necessary to identify what a dysfunctional adult relationship looks like.

This doesn't mean that a relationship with a small age gap can't be toxic, or that relationships with a large age gap can't be healthy and happy.

But

I have observed a pattern of older people (usually, but not exclusively, men) who serially date young adults because those young people don't recognize the signs of a toxic relationship. These are rookie errors, and there is no shame in them. Everyone that does anything new has a rookie period, and this includes adult relationships. These older people take advantage of that naivete instead of working on themselves to become the kind of partner that people want to stay with after really getting to know them. As soon as these young partners begin to understand these problems and challenge them, they end the relationship and trade them out for a younger model. You can be unhappy in a toxic relationship for a long time and be unable to identify why you are so unhappy, because they know the tricks. Undercut your partner's relationships with their other friends or family, accuse them of not being smart enough or loving enough or patient enough, make them financially dependent on you. There are a lot of tricks, and people refine their techniques with each partner. And when you've just started having adult relationships, you are at a serious disadvantage if you wind up in a relationship like this because you just haven't lived long enough to see firsthand how this kind of thing plays out.

It's not that there's anything intrinsically wrong with it, but it does ping my danger radar. My danger radar sometimes gets false readings, but I still pay attention to it.

Dating fine, but if going for a long term commitment, it may be rough to be in your 60s with a partner in their 80s. They have to understand if they are theoretically on that path and that their relationship will transform into elder care at some point. Also before that the older one will stop keeping up sexually.

If both see it as a short term fling, probably ok. The 46 year can probably keep up with a 25 year old in the ways that matter, and may have enough money for some interesting experiences to share.

Am I, or someone I love, the 46 year old, or the 25 year old?

The only time I would care is if the answer to the first question is "yes" or if one of the parties isn't acting consensually.. Otherwise, its not any of my business, as they're both consenting adults.

If more people worried about themselves, and less about what others are doing, the world would be better off.

Mind ya business, people.

I would feel it's none ofy business what two adults are doing

I'd have some questions for the 46 year old. Mainly "can't find someone your own age who's naive enough to put up with your shit?".

Call it ageism, but at 40 I can't look at a 25 year old and see an equal adult. That's still a kid in my head even if legally and practically speaking they're an adult. I see a lot of dudes my age and older going after 20-25 year olds because their abusive tactics don't work on older women.

I’m going to go with bad, it makes me feel bad

My age gap is only 9 years but I was 22 at the time and I turn 40 this year and looking back I’m thinking “where were all the adults who were supposed to give me good advice??” Instead of encouraging me into a wildly imbalanced relationship which has been incredibly damaging to me

I feel like it's none of my business.

Whatever, but with that kind of gap there is a power imbalance whether you see it or not.

Bit weird but none of my business.

Assuming both are consenting adults that actually love and care for each other, okay by me. 👍❤️

(46/2)+7 = 30. 30 is the floor. 25 is too young.

Mostly that it's none of my business. Don't see how that big of a gap really works out long term but if they're happy I'm happy. 25 is old enough to have a good enough idea of how things work to not get taken advantage of (usually).

I don't think it's necessarily wrong, but I'd be concerned about the power dynamics involved with such an age gap.

I’d raise an eyebrow

It might be fine for the moment but if the relationship stays long term it will be hard when one partner starts to like age and degrade a lot quicker than the other. In the end one might be ill and on the way to death while the other one has quite a bit of time ahead of them. I think that can strain a relationship in the long run

With my hands.

How would I feel? Uncomfortable. What would I do with that feeling if it’s based on exclusively my knowledge of their ages? Nothing.

When I was 28, I dated a 43 year old and it was a fine relationship. He agreed to stay in shitty hotels when we traveled because it was all I could afford and I didn’t want to take his money. He was definitely more emotionally mature and experienced than I was though and that’s what made us ultimately incompatible.

A bit of a rough one, but I'd say it's passed the point of concern. IE I tend to view it in life stages. 25-46 is IMO a lot less creepy than say, 20 dating 30. In spite of the gap being halved. Graduating college is a big step, getting started in a career.

Once you are in a career path, life doesn't really change all that much. age differences don't matter so much anymore provided both are past all the big shifts.

You can fuck off with this question too, Stacy#2.

There are a mountain of realizations,experience and personal admiration choices in-between those ages. In my experience, I can't look past that over a kinship with a younger individual.

At 25, you are old enough to take care of yourself and make decisions in your own best interest. Will it be perfect? Not necessarily, but you're allowed to make mistakes in life.

When I was in my 20s, I viewed people in their 40s-50s as parental or even grandparently figures. As an older person, I would be open to dating someone in their 20s if we had a great connection, but I wouldn't make a move unless they expressed an interest first because I wouldn't want to be creepy or make them uncomfortable.

None of my business, they're consenting adults, they can do whatever they want, and it's honestly a bit creepy that you're asking our opinion about it.

I can see it being difficult relating to one another but if they can get past that and any judgment society puts on them, it could work.