this post was submitted on 03 Mar 2026
520 points (99.4% liked)

Not The Onion

20717 readers
1055 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] DeepThought42@lemmy.world 137 points 2 days ago (3 children)

I'm not religious, but I'm fairly certain that Trump is the least christian POTUS this country has ever seen.

[–] return2ozma@lemmy.world 79 points 2 days ago (2 children)
[–] GreenKnight23@lemmy.world 5 points 2 days ago

I agree, but stahp it.

you'll just feed his ego.

[–] DagwoodIII@piefed.social 44 points 2 days ago (3 children)

The 'logic' is that God has often used imperfect men to carry out his mission. Noah was a drunk, Lot slept with his daughters, and King David murdered a man so he could have the widow.

No matter what Donnie does, he is anointed because they say so

[–] DeepThought42@lemmy.world 32 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Yeah, that's why I gave up religion years ago.

[–] atropa@piefed.social 18 points 2 days ago (1 children)
[–] kamenlady@lemmy.world 8 points 2 days ago

Bless you, my child

[–] Gullible@sh.itjust.works 13 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Wonder how many times God tried to convince someone to do a thing and they just kinda… didn’t. Never read the Bible, but I don’t imagine many stories of unredeemed goat fornicators or greedy merchants end up sticking around.

I feel like that was one of the best parts of the Greeks. Their gods fucked up constantly, and everyone knew it. Fate is a flip of a coin, and so were the deities they worshiped

[–] DagwoodIII@piefed.social 10 points 2 days ago

I think that's why a lot of the pagan religions had trickster gods like Loki.

[–] its_kim_love@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 2 days ago (1 children)

They decided to cut the story of kid Jesus pushing people off roofs then bringing them back to life after people got mad.

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] mrmaplebar@fedia.io 4 points 2 days ago

Did him bring the living environment of all 7 deadly sins give it away?

[–] WanderWisley@lemmy.world 61 points 2 days ago (4 children)

If Jesus came back today maga would re-crucify him for being to woke.

[–] daannii@lemmy.world 27 points 2 days ago
[–] InternetCitizen2@lemmy.world 9 points 2 days ago (1 children)

He might already be here... And in an ICE holding cell

[–] WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today 2 points 2 days ago

Jesus? Go back to mexico, that carpenter job is for Americans only!

[–] dermanus@lemmy.ca 6 points 2 days ago

Some brown guy talking about loving your neighbour and caring for the less fortunate? It's downright unamerican!

[–] Asfalttikyntaja@sopuli.xyz 2 points 2 days ago

That’s why I don’t believe Jesus will come back, he must be afraid of to be crucified again.

[–] MyOpinion@lemmy.today 67 points 2 days ago (1 children)

The worst people in America are running this country. There needs to be a reckoning for these shit bags.

[–] Montagge@lemmy.zip 9 points 2 days ago (1 children)
[–] voidsignal@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Oh yes. Yes, there will be.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] return2ozma@lemmy.world 43 points 2 days ago (2 children)

A combat-unit commander told non-commissioned officers at a briefing Monday that the Iran war is part of God’s plan and that Pres. Donald Trump was “anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran to cause Armageddon and mark his return to Earth,” according to a complaint by a non-commissioned officer. From Saturday morning through Monday night, more than 110 similar complaints about commanders in every branch of the military had been logged by the Military Religious Freedom Foundation (MRFF). The complaints came from more than 40 different units spread across at least 30 military installations, the MRFF told me Monday night.

[–] CIA_chatbot@lemmy.world 26 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Trump, the man who literally embodies the 7 deadly sins, is the anointed of God - yea that totally checks out.

[–] chiliedogg@lemmy.world 15 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I'm starting to wonder if these Armageddon cultists see Trump as the Antichrist and see that as a good thing.

Anything to bring about the end.

[–] zalgotext@sh.itjust.works 3 points 2 days ago

It's a super common trope in Mormon offshoot cults at least, to believe you've been put here by god to bring about the end times. Of course those people always believe they're "one of the good ones" that will be let into heaven when it's all said and done. It's honestly frightening how common this line on thinking is among Christians, how normalized it's become.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] horn_e4_beaver@discuss.tchncs.de 32 points 2 days ago (1 children)

“Many were increasingly of the opinion that they’d all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans." - Douglas Adams

Turn back, we all made a horrible mistake.

[–] Kolanaki@pawb.social 21 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and is widely regarded as a "bad move."

[–] GreenKnight23@lemmy.world 24 points 2 days ago

I want every American to stop and listen.

If you thought that the US military was going to save us at the last minute from this orange pedophile and his pedophile posse, ask yourself this.

Why would military leaders actively break international law on the conduct of military actions, knowing they could be arrested and charged with not just war crimes, but crimes against humanity?

trick question. it doesn't matter what your answer is, they're still not coming to save us.

prepare yourselves.

I'm an atheist, but I would be willing to start believing if those assholes were cooked in hell for all eternity in return.

[–] Jhex@lemmy.world 29 points 2 days ago

And there you have it folks... War is Peace... as decreed by Jebus himself

[–] Sterile_Technique@lemmy.world 16 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Who Believe Trump Was Anointed by Jesus

Why? Did he run out of locusts or something?

[–] some_kind_of_guy@lemmy.world 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

You might be thinking of Jesus' abusive dad

[–] moondoggie@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

Well to be fair, he was also his dad. And a ghost. And wine. And… crackers? Regardless, being both his dad and a ghost meant that any time Jesus jacked it, he was committing incestuous necrophilia. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] mrmaplebar@fedia.io 21 points 2 days ago

Religion is a mix of mass delusion and propaganda, period.

Oh and great look btw, killing the Ayatollah (who, like it or not, is both a political and religious leader to many in Iran and around the world), and then immediately depicting it as a holy war... Great plan, Magastan!

Definitely won't be used to further indoctrinate lost souls with nothing to lose into radical extremist groups all over the world!

[–] NONE_dc@lemmy.world 20 points 2 days ago (1 children)

So this is a war between theocracies.

[–] mrmaplebar@fedia.io 12 points 2 days ago

Yes. A holy war. What better tool to indoctrinate the unwashed masses to fight for the billionaire class?

The world is far less safe because of actions and words like this.

I think we should expect a new wave of Islamist terrorism in the West as a response to the invasion of Iran and the killing of political and religious leaders, because their useful idiots also like to believe in holy wars.

[–] NotASharkInAManSuit@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

I’d say it will be fun to point and laugh at them when they are proven to be stupidly wrong, just like every other end of days bullshit, but sadly when it doesn’t work out like they are psychotically convinced it will, you know the whole easter bunny coming back and bringing the righteous armageddon thing, they will just throw the nuclear football and pretend it was all par for the course. We all get to die for their selfish and idiotic faith, neat, huh?

Remember, don’t bother hiding when you hear that the bombs are coming, nothing can save you from the white hot atonement, you’ll have just enough time to make a coffee, pet the cat, and maybe watch an episode of your favorite show. It won’t hurt.

[–] SnarkoPolo@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

Evangelicals have pretty much owned the military, at least since the 80s. It's particularly bad in the Air Farce.

[–] TwilitSky@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

We can't seriously put people who believe in this nonsense in charge of real world things.

[–] notsle@kzoo.to 14 points 2 days ago
[–] DGen@piefed.zip 8 points 2 days ago

And suddenly wars in the name of religion aren't Bad anymore. How the turntables.

[–] EndOfLine@lemmy.world 8 points 2 days ago

Any chance on getting these officers named and a date for when they were promoted to their current positions?

[–] andyburke@fedia.io 7 points 2 days ago

“The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with how Satan works: he will use all sorts of displays of power through signs and wonders that serve the lie.” – 2 Thessalonians 2:9

[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 6 points 2 days ago

It trump was anointed by jesus, I feel validated in my past 35 years of being an athiest.

[–] inimzi@piefed.social 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

And Rabbi Kaduri predicted Netanyahu would be the last Prime Minister and instructed him to fulfill the prophecy by defeating Persia/Iran to bring the Messiah: 'Behold, a people rises like a lioness, and lifts itself up like a lion; it does not lie down until it consumes prey, and drinks the blood of the slain.' Crazies running the world

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] HubertManne@piefed.social 4 points 2 days ago

I mean if it is I don't expect to ascend into heaven or anything but jeez I sorta feel I deserve a quick, clean, painless death. I mean common.

[–] thatradomguy@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

Thusly validating everything I've said about religion and the dumbass military. Fuck off with this "thank you for your service" validation.

[–] null@lemmy.org 3 points 2 days ago

Woo! Christian holy war!

[–] notsosure@sh.itjust.works 4 points 2 days ago

[nasal voice over intercom] Has patient number 13 reveived his sedatives yet?

load more comments
view more: next ›