I dont know, but it would involve a gun so I could shoot the fucker that brought me back, and then put myself back to sleep with the second shot.
this post was submitted on 02 Feb 2026
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Tittyfondling.
I have no idea how I'd rank, but I don't see how I could possibly lose.
Did they pick me because I was one of the worlds greatest at something who have ever lived?
Must be something like chess-boxing but with half a dozen more sports mixed in. Chess-box-deadlift-slalom-300m rifle-shot put-canoeing-shrimp taming-minigolf.
Ohhhh, you're the mysterium zxqwasball champion?
That made me laugh out loud.
shrimp taming
Darn I had a chance until that one.
Last time I tried taming shrimp, bad things happened...
Being haunted by memories of my own embarrassments and failures that still feel fresh sometimes would make me physically recoil and shudder.
/ Would still probably not win
Your competitor is like, Adolf Hitler or Elon Musk or something. I think they would probably cringe a lot looking back on their lives
I don't think sociopaths/psychopaths with no discernible ability for remorse or self-reflection are my biggest competition.
Limbo and sex
(I will lose to Barbados Slim)
Forgetting to do a thing you really need to do today only to remember 4 hours late once you are laying comfortably in bed.
Competition for most humble and selfless person. Yeah, I'd win.
You'd also get the honorable mention for most self aware.
And with that he'd achieve most honourable.
Being a virgin. At 35 I am definitely among top 10.
According to lore anyone over 30 who is still a virgin becomes a wizard and that is why there are so few wizards about.
So your competition would be a wizards battle. No offense but I’d buy tickets to that event.
When you consider the fact youre not even trying this is a win win scenario for you.
Your opponents might hire a shady prostitute to tempt you.
Playing a random collection of video games that no one in the tournament has played or heard of before to 100% completion.
I'm just really good at learning quickly.
Blind game tournaments are already a thing, you should give them a shot. I've never competed but I like Kusogrande, the bad video games tournament.
Sounds kind of fun, but also I really don't care very much to play bad games :D
Procrastination contest.
I've always liked the idea of a rando being in events with the worlds best so we can get an idea of how much better the pros are than average. I'm down to be that rando in any event, I'll give it everything I've got. Once.
I saw a video on youtube from a guy with a running channel or something like that.
On that video he was talking about race walking before introducing his guest, an olympic medalist in race walking, and commenting how crazy fast these people at the top are, he was mentioning a bunch of the dude's long distance times and to put them into perspective he compared them to some of his times. The both had similar times, but he had them running while the other had them walking.
There's absolutely nothing where I would have even a theoretical chance of winning and that's true for most people here I would guess, so I'm gonna go with what would be fun to see.
For example, there were fossilized footprints found of someone running quicker than any modern sprinter so it would be interesting to see the actual fastest runner on say 400m where the modern start blocks wouldn't be so much of an handicap for the old naturals.
Procrastinating
Calvinball. Ain't nobody, not even the zorgs, can ball harder
I’m probably one of the best 1000 whistlers alive but I suspect people used to be far better whistlers on average so I’m losing so hard.
Finding money on the street. I don’t know why but I’d find multiple coins every time I went out and notes regularly as well. Very sad that people don’t use cash much any more.
Random chance gambling. All throughout history there have been many statistical anomalies and if I joined them in such a competition, I'd have just as good a chance at winning as anyone else.
MacGyvering.
Thermo nuclear bomb. You have 2 paper clips, a package of slim jim's, and 35 nintendo 64's. Go.
Does the bomb have one of these?
This is an aside that is not really a response to your message.
Most people assume that because something isn’t easy to make explode that it is also isn’t easy to turn it off.
I’ve always assumed this isn’t true, that the two things are asymmetrical.
If it was built by the military or some other professional outfit that makes explody things, and not hobbled together in a cave somewhere, then the people making it actually don’t want it to explode for the vast majority of that things existence. Bombs are designed to only explode under very specific circumstances and there should be many off switches to prevent it from accidentally exploding or to accommodate for people changing their mind after activating it.
Like, you should need codes, special keys, synchronized activation switches and a countdown to make bombs blow up but I always assumed the designers of such things would build in so many failsafes that there would at least be a very prominent off switch that is clearly labeled on the outer shell… heck, there would probably be several depending on the size of the bomb.
Anyway, I always imagined that if I was alone with an ICBM I could disarm it somewhat easily during the countdown. I’ve never really researched whether my assumption is right because I’ve never thought I’d ever actually find myself alone with one during a situation like that. I could be wrong 🤷♂️
Fisting
I'm really good at fisting
So I'm the baseline. Is that what we're thinking here?
Fucking my wife
You're not going to enjoy that competition though...
Depression olympics?
the involves
Well, those people are in on it. Is it comma-splicing?
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