Ask Lemmy

I live in Illinois and like to say that the souther you go the Kentuckier you get. While accurate, the grammar is very, very stupid.

Why do Native American hate snow? Because it’s white and on their land.

"Not the sharpest bulb in the tree"

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.
He said he can't complain.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?
Baby in a trash compactor.

I'm still fond of the classic "Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!"
Those kids going on about 6-7 like it's some kind of power couple don't know what they're doing to poor 6.

What's red and hurts?

A brick.

Why did the short-sighted man fall in the well?

He couldn't see that well.

"I'm hungry."

"Hi hungry, I'm dad"

I do it almost every time and my daughter hates it.

Why do the french never have 2 eggs for breakfast?

Because 1 egg's un oeuf.

"Do you know why that side is longer? "( Pointing at V formation of seagals flying over)

... "There's more birds on that side"

It's so fucking dumb and all about timing

A blonde walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gave it to her.

Another one I've gotten a lot of good mileage out of

I once joked to my wife that avocados need to get better prizes because I always seem to get the same one- a little wooden ball.

Now, anytime I'm in the kitchen preparing something with avocados, I'll let out an audible groan of frustration.

Which always prompts my wife to ask, usually from the other room "What's wrong?"

To which I always reply "Another wooden ball"

Always good for a groan and some eye rolls from the wife. She never seems to see it coming.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

So you know how geese fly in that V-formation to reduce air resistance?

You know how sometimes the one arm of the "V" is longer than the other?

You know why that is?

Best told while you're just out shooting the shit walking around outside when you can point out some geese acting like you're just pointing out another fun nature fact.

Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other "damn, it's hot in here." The other says "AHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!??"

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was< unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their business. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

The Tactical Velcro Opening Secret

It works really well sitting around a campfire with kids.

"A man walks into a bar.

It hurt."

I like one that really needs to be told in person, but here. What's the key to a good joke timing

Guys, did you know my dad is CIA?

What kind of bird is always getting hurt? An owl

https://natethesnake.com/

When someone points out one thing came before another to support an argument simply respond very confidently "only chronologically!"

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

What is Super Mario's favorite vegetable? A Nintentato!

Knock knock

Who's there?

Interrupting horse

Interrupting h...

Neigh!!

Anything related to smoking crack cocaine.

A man walked into a shop; there was a shovel.