Ask Lemmy

In college, my roommate decided to make jello shots in these little shot glasses we had. He and his buddies finished them off and stacked the empty glasses in the room. Ass of a roommate refused to clean them out, so they sat for a little more than a week, at which point I was sick of them enough to clean them myself.

The jello had crystallized around the rim of the glasses, cementing them together, and as I twisted a couple of them apart the crystallized jello sliced into my hand.

My wife still taunts me sometimes for getting cut by jello.

I was teaching my kid how to nail while doing one of those Home Depot kids projects that can you bring home. I held it up to show him and nailed too hard with the way I was holding it that the nail went through and pierced my left hand at the base of thumb all the way to the muscle.

I promptly told him, “that’s why the correct way to nail is to put it on the ground to do this and do not hold it like that, now daddy needs to go get a bandage real quick.”

I cleaned it, bandaged it, finished the project, and then went to the doctor just in case because it was fairly deep. 🤣

I was camping as a child, and sitting on my dad's knee around the camp fire. I tucked my knees and arms into my shirt.
My dad let go of me to scratch his head, and I, trapped within my shirt, rolled off his knee and onto a tree root.

Broke my collar bone.
Had to canoe out of the campsite the next day.

i can still see scars from where a plumbers snake designed for a toilet embedded itself in my hand. it was a short snake with a metal sleeve with a slight angle in it for help getting around the toilet trap.

the widened part at the end of the snake got stuck in the sleeve and in an effort to unstick it my friend put tension on the snake while i held the sleeve. well, the snake broke free, and in such a force and fashion that it ripped the sleeve from my hands and in milliseconds had turned and screwed itself into the fleshy part of my palm by my thumb. it was in and out, looking like a loch ness monster photo.

there was still pressure on it and the only reason it stopped was due to the skin being pinched when it got to the snake part that was coiled tightly. we were probably around 12 years old, there was no pain at first because it happened instantaneously, just the pulling on the skin. i yelled out to my parents. "emergency room!" and we walked into the living room. my dad was on the phone and immediately said he had to go and hung up. he then told my friend to start untwisting the snake and the poor guy nearly passed out, weak at the knees, and told my mom he thought she had better do it. he handed it off then booked it outside and ran home.

this is when i experienced the first pain. my mom in her panicked state started to turn the snake clockwise adding more tension and trying to pierce another hole in my palm. i screamed, my dad screamed, as he was on the floor with me stabilizing my hand and the end of the snake. we both screamed out "wrong way!" and my mom just kept saying sorry over and over. she began unscrewing but the skin pinched in the snake was now preventing it from being extracted. eventually there was enough force applied to break free from my skin and I can still remember the feeling of the tip going in and out of my flesh. it didn't hurt, it was just an odd sensation.

i didn't know or expect it at the time but the real pain hadn't begun yet. we drove to the emergency room (called it) and the doctor there had some concerns, primarily that this oily metal that had been in contact with a toilet clog had been inside my body, not once but eleven times. he didn't want to risk more damage by incising each puncture to debride them, so instead my hand was soaked in a bowl of iodine for a while. then they came back and scrubbed my palm with a toothbrush for what seemed like forever. they repeated this process every 15 minutes for three hours. my palm was nearly scrubbed raw and there was still a little black dot on each wound. i had to grip the bedrail with my other hand while i clenched my teeth in agony every time the nurse came back. it was the most pain i had experienced in my life to that point.

eventually my dad convinced them it was under the skin and they weren't going to make any more progress and it was time for me to go home. i think i was given some antibiotics and sent on my way. it took about three months for the last black spot to work its way to the surface and now i just have faint white spots and a white line scar where it scratched at the end. that's been 30 years ago.

I once fell asleep with a laptop on my lap that had a horrible heat sink and would basically turn itself off every half hour. My legs were crossed when I fell asleep and my heel was right up against the vent.. Woke up with the laptop still on. Confused. And then PAIN. It has used my heel as a heat sink. MASSIVE burn, horrible pain, like four inch blister, still have the scar twenty years later. Had to wear flip flops for like a month shudder

I was working with my hands on something and socked myself in the nuts. I think I was deburring a piece of hardened steel and the scraper slipped. It wasn't full wind up and swing but my fist with the scraper had a lot of pressure in and behind it.

I've got plenty of scars and this incident didn't leave one. Not physically. My testicles ache now thinking back on it. Makes me wonder if Mike Tyson ever punched himself in the nuths.

On day 3 of a meth bender, non-stop looking at and Photoshopping porn, paralyzed my ulnar nerve by the way my arm was resting on the armrest. Yes, I sat there that long in the same position. Couldn't feel my pinkie and ring finger for a couple of years. No, I haven't done meth in 20 years.

Sliced my forearm open trying to make a small scratch to do a blood brother thing with my gf. My god, I barely got it to stop bleeding. Now I have what looks like a suicide scar. In other news, I was top-tier at sharpening pocket knives back then.

Hit a brick wall, head on, driving my motorcycle drunk, on an unfamiliar street, at night, wearing dark goggles. The bike exploded into fragments, I got a light concussion.

Broke my femur, most crippling injury to date. Knew my motorcycle brakes were far too worn, drove it anyway. Lady slammed her brakes, guy in front of me did same, I tried to do the same, rammed him from behind.

Using a non-locking pocket knife to trim a washer hose. It folded and cut me to the bone, had to have surgery to repair the extensor tendon. Also using a non-locking pocket knife to work on my motorcycle throttle cable, you guessed it, it folded and cut me to the bone. Have had nerve damage in that fingertip since.

Riding my BMX as a kid, decided to try an endo. Slammed the front brakes at speed with predictable results. Knee hit the asphalt to hard it mashed the skin off. Still got the scar, which matches the one on my other knee from swinging over a lava rock.

Got diverticulitis, 3 times, most painful events of my life. Spent years shitting too hard, developed diverticulosis (little tears/pouches in your intestine that catch food and get infected). Surgery fixed it!

Popped a lung after a night of rigorous sex. Yes, I smoked cigarettes and weed. Also, had a lawn service where I inhaled dust all day. Maybe not so much on me though. Doc said it was common among young men and I had two friends blow a lung in those years.

Lately, my feet have been all fucked up from working at Lowe's (I rage quit BTW). Got some new shoes at the thrift, like walking on clouds. Apparently been wearing a size too small for years.

Bruised/broken my ribs several times, broke my right arm twice, countless broken toes and fingers, and perhaps more than the one concussion described above. At this point in the story I've stopped counting scars.

I can keep going. No idea how I survived my 20s without permanent injury or prison time.

Slipped disk from sneezing.

Getting old sucks.

I cut the edges of the mouth lips (rightmost and leftmost zones) while shaving my beard about two months ago, and I still get microcuts because since the zone is so flexible, it tears every time I open my mouth.

It's not even visible, it's just annoying and painful and not healed yet.

I once twisted a nerve in my shoulder by sitting down wrong in the bus.

Put a rib out of place by dropping a fire extinguisher on myself. I was carrying it cradled in my arms at chest height, big heavy sucker, when I slipped on icy ground and fell flat on my back. I saw the extinguisher seeming to hover in the air and watched it fall towards me like in slow motion. The thought flashed through my mind that it was going to crush my rib cage and I would die right there. Knocked the wind out of me and for the next month or two it hurt to take a really deep breath. A chiropractor said I had a rib out of place - he did some kind of crunch on me and boom, totally fixed. I've never had another stereotypical chiropractor cure like that.

Burned my face while breathing fire with Everclear.

I broke my toe on a case of ramen noodles.

I was cutting a cardboard box up with a box cutter, holding the box steady with my off hand while pushing the blade downward through the cardboard. I realized that my hand was below the blade and therefore there was a risk I'd cut myself if the blade suddenly moved more quickly through the cardboard than anticipated. Safety first! So I stopped cutting, leaving the blade in the cardboard, and lifted my hand to grip the cardboard above where I was cutting instead.

Slammed my thumb right into the blade as I moved my hand, peeling a nasty slice of skin off. Took a lot of stitches to tack it back in place, still have a scar from that.

I used to work nights. When I had the next day off, I would usually stay up all day and go to sleep that evening. So, wake up around 2-4pm Friday, go to at 10pm to 6am Saturday and not sleep until Saturday evening.

This eventually caught up with me. I was riding a bicycle down a hill, just coasting and fell a sleep for a second. Down I went. Need stitches in my head ( I still have a bump), tons of road rash, and banged up my knee.

I recovered fully except for the bump on my head.

In high school I was run over by a car that I was sitting in. Buddy stopped in a parking lot, I started to get out, then he went forward and my foot was caught under the rear tire. I was pulled out of the car and my leg was run over.

Minor tear in a ligament and have a nice scar, but that's about it.

Wanted to see what happened if I stuck my finger into a pencil sharpener. Didn't really think that one through

I once cut the inside of my thigh as a kid by bicycle jousting with my friends at night-time along the streets and sidewalks. Slammed into one of my friends' tires head-on, and got thrown forward into the crossbar. I was lucky I was slightly off-center, but I came away with a nasty bruise, a laceration, and a rip in my shorts.

I slipped a disk and pinched a nerve in my neck by sitting up to get out of bed.

When I was about 6 years old, I had just gotten back from spending a weekend with my cousins who were like my siblings because I was an only child. We had fun running around and playing catch and riding bikes etc. and my cousin showed me monster trucks for the first time ever. So while I was alone in my room I had the tv on waiting for a new episode of monster trucks to come on and throwing a football across the room to myself, jumping onto my bed to catch it.

On what would be my last attempt, I lobbed the ball, took a couple steps and jumped forward. Unfortunately, I misjudged the distance. The next thing I know I am on the floor trying to sit up and looking around trying to figure out what happened. When I looked down I saw a stream of blood dripping onto my arm and hand. I just screamed until my parents showed up to help.

I wound up being taken to the urgent care and spending a night at the hospital because I landed face first onto the sharp wooden corner of my bed frame, shattering my nose into 6 pieces and splitting my face open requiring reconstruction and about 80 stitches. Decades later and you’d never know it happened but boy do I think back at how dumb that was lol.

I cut a good part of the way through my thumb opening a can of beans

When I was around 12 I sat crouched on the floor and was hyper focused on drawing. I must've sat there for hours with little to no movement and when I got up I couldn't lift my right foot. I severely damaged a nerve and had to go through weeks of physiotherapy.

Many, many moons ago. I rode my Big Wheel standing up, no hands, down hill.

Ended up crashing into a fire hydrant. Ouch. At least a broken right arm from what I remember.

I had two cartoon-style injuries: stepped on a rake and fallen down the stairs, hitting my butt on every step.

Stubbed my toe on a cat condo base while running the kitchen. Didn't think much of it. Next day it hurts like crazy. Fractured it, dislocated it, and tore the ligament.

I shattered my ankle, separated my tibia and fibula, and broke a different part of my fibula. All in one moment. How, you ask? By stepping outside. My dog pulled too hard on her leash and I stumbled and twisted my ankle in just the right way. Got a fancy Maisonneuve fracture that had to be surgically fixed.

I'm in California. If you feel the need for a defensive weapon, the most you can get away with is a plain, wooden cane from a drugstore. Even then, if a cop thinks you don't need that cane, you'll get the shit beat out of you and the stick taken away.

Ask me how I know.

I was cutting slices out of an apple with a comically large Bowie knife.

My roommate said, “Hey, that looks pretty dangerous.”

I said, “Nah, bro, it’s perfectly safe.”

Somewhere around the middle of that sentence, the knife sliced through the apple and into my palm.

He had to drive me to the hospital for stitches.

Slipped on the sidewalk in the rain and somehow broke an arm (clean broke it). Needed surgery and 2-night hospital stay. This after climbing multiple mountains without a scratch.

I sprained my wrist in my sleep.

I once torn my left shoulder's rotator cuff. How? By jumping while extending my right arm to touch the ceiling 🤣

Shot my finger with a BB gun. Didn't think I'd pumped it and put my finger over the barrel and pulled the trigger to get the BB out of the chamber. I remember the spurt of blood arcing through the air in slow motion. Gotta love that "oh i fucked up" shift to slow motion.

Bad cut on my finger from a bread knife trying to cut a particularly crusty loaf of bread I baked. Only time in my life I've needed to go to the emergency room (for myself).

Tried to open a can with a pair of pliers. Got a nasty cut in the right index finger that had to be stitched.

Thought I could/should work through discomfort and then pain at the gym, supersetting overhead push-presses and triceps dips. LOL, nope, gave myself a labral tear and tore my supraspinatus. My shoulder now has an unpleasant popping feeling + significantly less strength when I'm doing anything like a bench press with my elbows properly tucked; I'll likely never be able to do narrow grip bench press or triceps dips again.

Why was this dumb? Because I was a personal trainer, and I fucking know better than to try and push through pain. But I was trying to get back into lifting seriously after losing a lot of time to the pandemic.