Autism

For me, those subtle forms of communication were things I learned when I was young. For a long time I didn't think I was autistic because I was so good at picking up on it and using it myself. I just thought it was draining and unnatural for everyone. I was always good at poker and other social deception games like that. I learned how to sort through when other people gave conflicting messages. I would often pick up on social cues that my wife, who is definitely not autistic, missed. In times of hardship, my wife would sometimes be unnerved at how calm and neutral I would stay. Perhaps most importantly, I learned what things I need to communicate to people around me, how to do so, and how to verify that we have reached a mutual understanding.

A bit ago we formed a polycule with another couple. My girlfriend recently discovered they were autistic too. They are usually good at picking up on social cues from other people, but do not communicate much about what they are thinking or feeling themselves. It's been really strange for me to see someone who is in a lot of ways very similar to myself while I also struggle to understand what they are thinking and feeling. It's giving me a weird mixture of frustration and comraderie? Like I'm personally wondering whether them being distant and quiet is because they are upset with me because that's how my wife and boyfriend would work. Then I remember that quiet and distant is my own natural state: I've just learned the habit of engaging with people around me to re-assure them I'm not upset. They are working on gettter better about communicating, and I started just asking them how they are feeling more.

It's just kind of crazy to find myself on the other side.