Hey! For the last few years, I'd do five months of sobriety at the start of each year. My drinking got much more noticeably out of hand towards the end of last year, and I subsequently failed to maintain a sober stint at the start of this year, and that then rapidly spiralled into reckless drinking, endangering my job and further damaging my financial situation.
That sort of scared me, along with some other symptoms and a general sense of unease, and so I committed to a year of sobriety. I chose a defined timeframe to keep my goal achievable and give myself an actual defined target, but am secretly hoping to "trick" myself into seeing how sobriety feels for a long enough time to want to maintain it afterwards.
I've been journalling, and I've been working hard on improving the small things in my life I neglected while drinking, and the big things that I believe could have been contributing to my drinking. I do feel much happier, much more in touch with myself, much more grounded, and the people around me have commented that I seem happier and calmer. Things feel like they're moving in the right direction.
I went tonight to a party for a friend, celebrating an anniversary. I had a fine time, chatting and joking, but I couldn't stop thinking about drinking. I know the cravings will pop up at random times, and I've made an effort to stay social during this stint and have been in situations with alcohol and not caved. However, the temptation just did not stop building tonight. I was already trying to work out ways to justify drinking. I played the tape forward, I tried to think about how embarrassing I can be when I get drunk, I tried thinking about everything I was proud of, I tried changing the group I was talking to and joining a new conversation to get some dopamine and distraction, but I couldn't shake it.
Eventually, I resolved to make my excuses and leave. There was no drama or anything but I just felt, and still feel, pretty defeated. It was weird. It was worrying.
I spent the whole journey home catching myself fantasising about drinking when my year is up, or even before. Romanticising the idea of going out into the city, to some quiet bar one random night, and having "a few". I know what a lie that is, and how it's not real, and how I don't want to blow up my life any more, but it's just really got its claws in me tonight, by the looks of it.
I'm asking here for a few things, really:
- Is there anything I should or could be doing to solidify my sobriety and build a stronger foundation? Relying on my own willpower seems like it'll fail at some point inevitably.
- Should I be pushing to solidify my current sobriety if I'm clearly so conflicted about it? Am I even actually conflicted?
- Do you ever stop missing it? It's not even just that I miss the "good" parts. I miss the bad parts. I miss the miserable hangovers, just feeling like absolute shit after torpedoing my finances and sabotaging my plans for the day. It's so weird.
For context, my last drink was April 21.
Sorry for the long post. Thank you all for reading, and for the work you're all doing in this community! IWNDWYT!
There are so many different places to start when it comes to addressing issues with drinking or any other addictive behavior. Acknowledging where you truly are at with it is a huge step in the right direction. Some things I've found that make it more likely someone will stay the course with sobriety or harm reduction are:
Having a support network who offers outside reinforcement of your goals. If you spend enough time hanging around the barbershop, you'll eventually get a haircut. This goes both ways; sticking around people and places that support you will reinforcement positive behaviors and mindsets on a social as well as personal level. I found a lot of good people in recovery settings, but I also found a lot of good support in the hobbies I pursue.
Build the life you aren't willing to give up. A lot of decisions that led me or people I worked with to drink boiled down to not having an alternative to look forward to. Enjoy your job/career, get excited about being around the people you've chosen to be in your life, have plans/goals/dreams that you're working at, and most importantly like who you are. That last one can be tough, but getting to know and accept yourself makes choosing your alternative to drinking much easier to do.
Grow. As a person, as a part of a social group, spiritually, mentally, physically, etc. Find things to learn about, work through recovery material, go to therapy, make friends, work out, the list is endless. I found a lot of people in early recovery truly had no idea who they even were or what their favorite color even was. The people who made big turnarounds and stuck with it are the ones who never stopped wanting to grow. No matter where you are at in life, there is always something to grow in.
Most importantly, baby steps forward are still steps forward. You don't end up climbing a mountain in one gigantic leap, and you don't change over night. Small changes done consistently over time can yield nearly exponential results. Don't give up if things go badly, the most human thing to do is to mess up. Everyone does, everyone will. The most important thing is what you do afterward, continue forward or not.
I don't know you, but I believe in you. Just know that there are people who care that you do well and accept you even if you don't.