Stop Drinking

Hey! For the last few years, I'd do five months of sobriety at the start of each year. My drinking got much more noticeably out of hand towards the end of last year, and I subsequently failed to maintain a sober stint at the start of this year, and that then rapidly spiralled into reckless drinking, endangering my job and further damaging my financial situation.

That sort of scared me, along with some other symptoms and a general sense of unease, and so I committed to a year of sobriety. I chose a defined timeframe to keep my goal achievable and give myself an actual defined target, but am secretly hoping to "trick" myself into seeing how sobriety feels for a long enough time to want to maintain it afterwards.

I've been journalling, and I've been working hard on improving the small things in my life I neglected while drinking, and the big things that I believe could have been contributing to my drinking. I do feel much happier, much more in touch with myself, much more grounded, and the people around me have commented that I seem happier and calmer. Things feel like they're moving in the right direction.

I went tonight to a party for a friend, celebrating an anniversary. I had a fine time, chatting and joking, but I couldn't stop thinking about drinking. I know the cravings will pop up at random times, and I've made an effort to stay social during this stint and have been in situations with alcohol and not caved. However, the temptation just did not stop building tonight. I was already trying to work out ways to justify drinking. I played the tape forward, I tried to think about how embarrassing I can be when I get drunk, I tried thinking about everything I was proud of, I tried changing the group I was talking to and joining a new conversation to get some dopamine and distraction, but I couldn't shake it.

Eventually, I resolved to make my excuses and leave. There was no drama or anything but I just felt, and still feel, pretty defeated. It was weird. It was worrying.

I spent the whole journey home catching myself fantasising about drinking when my year is up, or even before. Romanticising the idea of going out into the city, to some quiet bar one random night, and having "a few". I know what a lie that is, and how it's not real, and how I don't want to blow up my life any more, but it's just really got its claws in me tonight, by the looks of it.

I'm asking here for a few things, really:

1. Is there anything I should or could be doing to solidify my sobriety and build a stronger foundation? Relying on my own willpower seems like it'll fail at some point inevitably.
2. Should I be pushing to solidify my current sobriety if I'm clearly so conflicted about it? Am I even actually conflicted?
3. Do you ever stop missing it? It's not even just that I miss the "good" parts. I miss the bad parts. I miss the miserable hangovers, just feeling like absolute shit after torpedoing my finances and sabotaging my plans for the day. It's so weird.

For context, my last drink was April 21.

Sorry for the long post. Thank you all for reading, and for the work you're all doing in this community! IWNDWYT!