this post was submitted on 17 May 2025
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me_irl
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I have encountered this analogy irl. I was pretty drunk and said something distasteful to a friend. She ended our friendship over it and caused the group we were in to split into factions. We tried talking it over, but after I made all efforts I could to apologise, she responded with the plate analogy.
Honestly I thinks its a bad position to take. People have wronged me too over the years. Forgiving them, regardless of them apologising or not, is, in my experience, the better option for yourself.
The hate you carry with you if you don't doesn't do anything to them, but it eats you up from the inside. Forgiving somebody frees you from that. It's not about forgetting what people have done to you (and maybe choosing not to keep them in your life depending on how bad it was that they did), it's about not carrying the hate with you trough the years.
I understand your position and kind of agree, but some things aren't easily forgiven or ignored.
I have known people that were like family to me that betrayed my trust. although I wish them success in their lives, they are forever strangers to me because they are not who I thought they were, and just like a stranger that has broken my trust I cannot and will not subject myself to their lies again.
Have I moved past their betrayal? I think so. Have I forgiven them? Yes. Do I want those people in my life again? no. never.
That's exactly what I was tyring to get at. Forgiving is something you do for yourself. That doesn't mean you have to forget about what happend nor not let it have consequences. But holding to the grudge will do nothing but harm yourself.
I've met people who I think really relish being aggrieved. I don't have even 1% of the interpersonal conflict in my life that these people complain about. I think that, while people do say things which offend them, they see these things as an opportunity to be a victim. Anecdotally, I've noticed a lot of these people usually have wealthy upbringings
A former friend didn't want anything more to do with you and you turn that into a character flaw for them? I think that says more about you than them.
I stopped drinking alcohol after the event for good, so there's that. It's not that I haven't learned my lesson from it. (Not drinking not beeing the only one, but i won't go into more personal details here).
And I wouldn't call it a character flaw. More like an approach on how to handle live. And in this case, I think she didn't chose a good approach for herself.
What did you say exactly?
You keep skirting the issue when what you said was obviously BAD.
It was bad enough that it made you stop drinking. What did you say?
Sure, I'd be interested if you think this is a broken plate situation or not.
We left the pub as a group of four: her, me, and two male friends of hers. I was shitfaced as fuck, like on the verge of not beeing able to walk properly anymore. I didn't chose to get shitfaced too. I was on a diet and skipped lunch to "afford" the calories of a few drinks. Turned out drinking and an empty stomach are a bad combination. Who would've thought, right? I ended up beeing way more wasted then I usually would have been. That is not any excuse for anything, I just bring it up because it is part of the facts
We approached the local train station to go home. Our train was allready standing and waiting to leave, but it would do so for another 20 minutes.
As we arrived at the train station I asked to sit down in the train, as I was feeling realy dizzy and increasingly cold (it was winter). My friend said she'd like us to wait outside at the station plattform and enter the train just before its final take of time.
I don't recall much of the details, but an argument broke out about this, me wanting to go into the train and her wanting to wait outside. It was not a screaming match and not aggressiv, just a normal discussion (this has been confirmed by one of her male friends later, so you don't need to trust my drunken recollection here).
Since there were two male friends of hers with us, it wasn't an issue of her waiting alone at the plattform if I had left. I honestly don't recall her reasoning, or any details of the discussion, nor why we didn't simply split up. The argument ended with me beeing frustrated and saying: "You can sit around in the cold or on that guys dick, for all I care, but I'm going into the train now."
I headed for the train and all three of them followed. We waited together until the train took of and everybody went their merry way. I have no recollection of any conversation that happens about the comment on the way home. She approached me a couple of days later and said that she took great offence.
And just to make this clear: This was the single thing that lead to her ending our friendship. It wasn't the boiling over point, it wasn't the last stupid thing in a long list of stupid things. A week earlier she had thanked me for beeing such a good friend.
I honestly have to admit, I still don't get it. I see how it was a stupid thing to say and of course I see how it was offensiv. I still don't see why it was bad enoth to end a friendship over, and she never explained it to me. I never tried to defend what I said, I apologised as soon as I was made aware of it (I don't remember the incident in great detail. The above telling is put together from my memory fragments and the telling of her two male friends, whom I independently asked to fill me in on what had happend).
I'm just an internet rando, but on your end I don't think you are awful for what you said and should forever feel the weight of it hanging over you.
On the other hand, we don't know her, and hearing the transmission and the intent is not the same as knowing the receiver and how it is received. The fact that you were behaving badly when drunk could have been the issue in itself. If you know someone a certain way, and they seem to become a different person when they're drunk (especially if you have some experience with that situation), hearing someone say "I'm sorry I said that, I was just really drunk" may be like saying you're sorry, and it could happen again anytime you drink. Maybe she thinks sober you is lovely, but drunk you is not someone she would like to spend any time with, and rather than try to make it so you only hang out in sober settings she just cut you out. Or maybe not, maybe she is just really bothered you took that argument to a sexual place. Or something else, who knows?
But the point is, the "broken plate" thing could be that to her, you became the type of person who could make a comment like that, where she didn't think you were. She can't make you into the person she thought you were again. What you said isn't egregious or anything. But maybe that changed her perception of you, and it's not about forgiveness, it's about not being able to go back.
Or maybe she's extremely sensitive, or a drama-magnet. Who knows? Again, just a guy on the internet that's a couple drinks deep.
You can apologize however you want and the other person can accept it or not. Sometimes an apology isn't accepted. That's how apologies work.
To say otherwise is to not respect peoples' boundaries.
Yes, that's true of course. I just don't think it is of benefit to yourself to hold a grudge.