cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/28186091
A friend approached me confidently about realtionship advice and its a tough thing to address. What better place than to ask Lemmy given the broad scope of culture and more genuine reactions here. We figure what can it hurt.
Background:
A couple in my friend group have been together for 3 or 4 years who really seem to love each other looking in from the outside, are having some tension.
The lady doesn't input the same effort for planning life events, making any sort of weekend plans or after work activities. It's always the guy picking all the slack up and managing problems. Budgeting and making sure everything is in order. He cooks, does the cleaning, and generally does the relationship thinking as a whole. That is not to say there isn't some input from his partner, it seems she's very indecisive from how he describes when making plans or any sort of choices like where to eat or what to do during a problem of any magnitude, almost stress outburst behaviour from her. Defensive type lashing out against him.
He wants to know some advices on how to rebalance the effort scale and to generally improve the dynamic as she seems to be shutting him out according to him. It's always been imbalanced in effort since the beginning he said but they are good together. They want to make it work but the stress and tension is building to unhealthy levels from what I understand as in he's ready to break up. They don't fight really but there's some definite underlying issues, when he tries to talk about it or anything emotional derived she says things like she doesn't know, doesn't know how to explain the way she feels at all and says her mind is sort of blank and that is how he describes most of their deep talks. He described to me that their communication as he's a very involved communicator and she can go off and be unresponsive or completely not answer questions he asks like they don't exist.
There's tension between them she's snappy more often than not and deals with severe depression/anxiety. Hates her job. Is always in a negative mindset. While he is usually more upbeat and postive not bubbly but hopeful.
I've seen him have hard days and be tense and snarky as well who hasnt had a rough day? To me it just isnt like her where she always generally has smart comments towards anything. She's not what I would say is an uptight removed but almost anything can ruin her mood.
I'm likely missing some points here it's not my relationship nor am I good at these things but I'm trying so be easy on me here. The only thing I can tell is they genuinely seem to love each other. Sex life is imbalanced he has a high drive and her very low as in can go months then sometimes 1 to 4 times a month. They did get hormone testing but everything appears normal. Worth noting he said she sleeps excessively like after work all through the night most days. They no longer talk as much or text during the day. Where that used to be more common. He did mention she has a male coworker she works with daily that they are fairly close he is unsure of in-fidelity but they meet for work at his apartment every morning apparently it's easier since they share a work vehicle. I was told that he wanted to quit in a rush a few months ago and they had an argument because he was about to leave and she irrationally seemed to want to quit with him. At the very least their very emotionally tied. It may be nothing he said.
She told him she doesn't feel any different in the relationship for the way she views them when asked.
But just doesn't show attention anymore when he gets upset her response will be Boohoo or similar.
Personally I believe she's burned out and has anxiety on top of horrible depression but I have no real clue how to address that for them. It's such a personal topic.
Lemmy give them some of your best advices they used to be so full of life and laughter. Thank you all! If I missed anything or any specific questions just ask. We both are excited to see what comes of this.
I was in a relationship like that. It burned me out to constantly be the person doing all of the adulting. Therapy (both of us in individual, plus couples therapy) did nothing. Ultimately the partner just wanted a parent, not an equal. The relationship was unsalvageable.
It sounds to me like the girlfriend needs space and time alone to learn how to be an adult before she's able to be successful in a relationship.
Did you find yourself again and find another partner that made you feel whole/happy again? That was what he asked. Seems like all he can see is her and is too good hearted. He thinks he should just stop talking for a week or so and see where she wants to go. Maybe a month or more.
No, it's been 8 months and I'm still recovering from the experience. I feel that I need much more time before another relationship.
I wish you the best of luck really its tough in so many ways when emotions tug you different directions, just when you got a foothold and feel decent they can flip flop. I suck at the whole aspect which is why we of all places decided to try here. It's more if a wide range of people and more genuine conversations that other places.
That's exactly what I said. Either take some time not necessarily cutting each other off but sort of. While she figures out what she wants to commit to. It's such a tough time from my view. He's very attached from a very rough upbringing. I didn't want to be like end it and be done and crush him but there definitely needs to be a change. It's becoming increasingly soul crushing. Is my understanding.
He is starting to wonder if the coworker is apart of it but is only thinking about it. She told him they have hung out and he has a girlfriend but he said it seems like she is very emotionally enveloped in him that he wanted to rush and quit the job and she was impulse wanting to quit too almost like they had a plan between them vibe he said. They work together and share a work van in their industry.