this post was submitted on 09 Jul 2026
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Autism
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Lucky for me caffeine is the only sustained addiction but I will challenge the self-directed anger. I think universally it can be better described as internalized disappointment.
I shared with my psychologist recently something I heard years ago and can't find the study but a child with ADHD hears the word "no" a lot more than a neurotypical child. As such we internalize and our default mode is "I did something wrong". To which I told my psychologist and my best friend it's like going through your life trying to be good but at the same time a part of you keeps saying "you're a piece of shit and you don't deserve good things"
Of all the challenges in life that has been the hardest one for me to tackle. The level of self-sabotage I have committed for the sake of thinking I am wrong even when I may not have been as well as the humility to realize that I intentionally fucked up a good thing multiple times in the past when I didn't have to.
So yeah, it's not self-directed anger. It's self-directed disappointment of this ideal you could never live up to because you and those around you didn't know you were struggling from ADHD.
This plus some autist traits I think led to my anti authority under pinnings. You get told no a lot for reasons they can't explain and you start too a majority of norms are just enforced through sociol habit
The issue is that people (such as myself) on the spectrum need justifications and require explanations. If you can't provide them, all you are doing is being confusing and we HATE being confused. Ambiguity is our "gamma radiation," if you catch my meaning.
It's situational but I didn't have this it was very clear why I was being told no because the majority is neurotypical so I was an outlier. Always told to be quiet. Always told to stop fidgeting. Always told to stop touching things. Always told to slow down. On and on. I never asked why because I knew why. I was not behaving like everyone else.
What I didn't know and wasn't explained was I couldn't do those things as easily as everyone else because my brain literally wouldn't let me.