I actually don't know if this is the case all over China or just some parts, but I've seen it mentioned in a lot of places.
this post was submitted on 05 Apr 2026
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American, here. I'm with them! Sort of...
Far too many American parents insist their kids use "please and thank you" for too many things. A classic example:
Kid: "Can you pass the butter?" (this is the natural state of American children... Probably all children, actually)
Parent, semi-scolding: "Can you please pass the butter!"
...or the worse, passive-aggressive form: "Please and thank you, (child)!"
I had this happen to me when I was a kid and my friends had it happen to them. I've witnessed it so many times—even as an adult—yet... It always felt wrong.
Normal people—equals in butter rights—don't communicate like that.
Adult: "Can you pass the butter?"
Adult nearest the butter: "Here..."
There's another, more efficient form that seems to be most common in the Northeastern US, especially with men: (just passes the butter without saying anything at all)
Truly efficient men—who may have never met before that moment—can communicate a butter request and reply to another man without even speaking. A look, with an upward nod and a follow-up downward nod from the guy closest to the butter is all these truly efficient communicators need.
The most efficient families—when it's only adults present, performing their secret, adults-only rituals—tend to shorten it to the tiniest of requests, "Butter?" (points at butter)
Excessive politeness always feels fake and rotten to me. "Please"—from children—should be reserved for actual begging, damnit! With wide eyes and maybe some tears! Anything less feels like bad acting or an unnecessary, inauthentic ritual.
Politeness shouldn't be ritual! It should be something you do because you're paying attention and you're genuinely invested in the concept of feeling sorry about inconveniencing another person with your request. If there's no inconvenience—such as passing the butter—what's the point?
Please and thank you for reading my rant.
My wife is overly careful, like this. It goes to weird extremes at times. She will say things like “is there the possibility that you would be physically capable of leaving work early to pick up a package for me?” She’s trying very very hard to be clear that she’s interrogating what’s possible, not making a direct request or demand. This is where the “physically capable” thing comes in.
My reaction is always the same: “Dear, you can ask me to do stuff - just ask.”
I am kinda like this - I don't usually ask for things unless I NEED them. If it's just a request that a no is fine for, feel like I need to make that clear. Like if my hands are full, "could you open the door" but if I have a hand free but am wrangling the dog, "do you think you could open the door, I can if you can't, I just want Dog to sit while you go in and then while I go in" I do feel like I have to explain it's not a demand.