sad_detective_man

My bad. Usually I get a little prompt by your name when I'm talking to OP. Not sure why I didn't just remember the first user handle i was taking to. I thought I was taking to 2 different people in this thread 😂

Fuck. I'm sorry dude. You can't know until you know, and men don't often have a dialogue about this. It mostly happens to people who were already messed with at a young age though. Same thing I told OP applies to you, it's not a pattern you have to spend the rest of your life doing. Breaking the cycle does come as a side effect of learning how to protect your boundaries and better love yourself

Nice! Glad you still found it usable. I think I've made my last friend on Tinder anyway.

Ummm, yeah if you're disposed to limerence then it kind of tends to be obvious to certain people? There's an insecurity that to them reads like "this person will put somebody else at the center of their life right now and not question certain things". And they can actually prompt it by showing romantic interest and then immediately withdrawing repeatedly. The goal is to get you to notice them in a romantic context but then start idealising and filling in the unknown details yourself. Doesn't work on people with non-anxious attachment styles though. So just be aware of the impulse to imagine details about a strangers life.

So am I playing Doom today or listening to black metal?

Somewhat. It's definitely not just OP, he clearly can hold two ideas at once since he made this post. But it is a form of ignorance we perpetuate. Populaces who can be kept on one topic at a time are REALLY easy to keep subservient.

For sure, there's a lot about it that's formative. I think it's en educational blind spot for men though. And since there's a whole category of abuser who has learned to exploit limerence it should be more in the discourse.

Good question. Romantic definition is probably a little too philosophical for me to get into right now but for OP's situation and this conversation you could consider it as an intention. Like, you can have friendships and some people sometimes will bring that intention into them but if you're struggling with limerence it's probably a good idea not to until you've addressed some trauma.

Hey, I love online dating for that reason. Or did before tinder went to shit. It was a good safe space to just explore dating dynamics without having to worry about messing up a friendship. Actually made some very good friends that way, since our initial meetups had transparent intentions

It helps not to try and immediately stop feeling it. Like, you're telling yourself to not think of a spotted green zebra. Instead consider that the person you've developed romantic attachment to is not the actual person you're friends with. It's a constructed version of them that they could never really live up to. It probably resembles qualities that you value in most people, or even yourself (which can also be positive and helpful to know)

Once you're able to face the reality that you've fallen for someone who doesn't actually exist, the sensation can gradually start to subside. Not that I know you or them or your history but this is generally how the mechanism of limerence works.

Fun fact: Some abusers try to create these conditions in their victims because ideation can be so effective at keeping them from leaving.

When I was experiencing it I wasn't able to save any of the friendships it had happened in. There might be ways to grow out of that tailspin but I was too young and immature to. Maybe somebody else has learned how but to me I'm not sure it's possible once it starts. Distance makes it worse. Confronting it is uncomfortable for the other person at best and hasn't worked for me.

After losing friendships I only learned how to prevent it going forward. I had to recontextualize the role romantic relationships had in my life and have better boundaries for myself and other people. I also had to prioritize my mental health over romantic relationships. Guard that boundary fiercely. Some people try to cross it intentionally, some people who know what limerence is try to inspire it.

Multiple bands are just more Nickleback

Metallica's fandom has fractured every single album release after Ride the Lightning. My best friend in high school and I almost threw hands over the Black album and it's because that was the one we agreed on

Seems correct to me?

Oh yeah well if cigars are dicks then why do I love sucking them so much? Checkmate, Dr Fag