Mental Health

Crossposted from https://sh.itjust.works/post/50148246

Hi, I have cptsd according to my doctors because of rlly bad relationship abuse and they don't think I have cluster b disorders but i experience a lot of symptoms reminiscent of bpd so this still feels like the place where I would be most understood or heard. and since my friend does have bpd maybe ppl will be able to speak on similar experiences. This account is new because I dont want my friend to see it and feel bad even though that's unlikely.

Im 21m and I became friends w someone at the start of this year. We became close quickly sharing about related interests and love for nature and i helped her with her undergrad thesis because of how stressed she was with school. during time time we would call somewhat often and we talked so much. we grew really close across this last year to the point where lines feel blurred about our friendship, we've talked about ideal futures and relationships and shes hinted that she wonders if she would be happier with someone whos more like her and talked about what it would be like breaking up with her bf. She told me when she started talking she didn't wanna talk to someone for them to like her because shes in a relationship and i respected that i didn't wanna fall in love but shes literally perfect and as we got so close it felt so hard not to. We would wish eachother goodnight and good morning and we talked all day most days.

Her bf got uncomfortable with the time she spends with me and ive noticed her pulling back ever since we finished her thesis. and even though i know this is just how things are i feel my heart shattering it feels like life without being close to her is meaningless. i recently lost my pet rabbit who i was extremely bonded to and thats made it even harder. shes the only person i talk to this much at all i dont have anyone to tell about these feelings. I know she probably recognizes how i feel but wont bring it up because of how everything is.

recently shes been getting more distant as she spends extra time with her boyfriend and we've stopped spending so much time together. she still messages me about certain things on her mind and interests in animals and bugs etc but it feels so different than our daily routine before and its made me feel so alone and isolated. i love her more than anything else and it hurts so much to feel like i matter so little. I just feel really alone right now and all i want is to know i matter to her like she matters to me but all my brain can think of is how worthless i am and that if i were better she would love me.

I've been feeling really suicidal for the first time in a longtime and everything around this has been driving me to extreme emotional instability. im deactivating my accounts and thinking through what it would be like to kill myself its bad its the worst state ive been in for a long time, i even self harmed recently for the first time in a long time too. I dont know how i get through this im constantly facing abandonment fears and wanting to isolate myself to get ahead of them and have been wanting to die to escspe it all i dont know how to cope with feelings like this i just freeze.