july

Some info: 22M, looking to move out. It started last weekend when we were discussing politics, she got mad and loudly called me an idiot. Outside, public street btw. A bit before this she also screamed at me in a minimarket for me not wanting to put my backpack in their storage boxes. Lol.

I get she was tired but she didn’t even apologize until later home when I told her about it.

Then next night I had some dreams about all the stupid shit I had to through as a kid of hers. I woke up with a disgusted taste about her and I didn’t want to talk with her anymore.

It’s been a 6 days, where I continually ignored her. She keeps coming at my door asking to “repair things”. You can’t repair 22 years of negligence. I told her that I need space and time and I will talk to her after. She keeps going against my boundaries and asks what’s wrong. Since I’ve already told her, now I’m blasting music on my headphones because it seems she can’t understand how to accord private space. She has the mentality that “I’m your mother hence I can do anything”

Now she talks nice but I know it’s just a matter of time. It’s a manipulation tactic to get me back. She doesn’t actually feel sorry.

Thanks for reading.

Before everything, why do I not go to a therapist? Money. I want to though.

I observed that whenever I get to like someone, I am beginning to copy their traits. This happens with anyone, friends, lover or even a random youtuber. I believe it is affecting me at the core, making it harder to tell myself who I really am.

The first occurrence of this is when I told my mom in 2nd grade that I wanted to be “cool” like the other classmates. It was something small at the time and no one questioned why was that.

This evolved over time, slowly. I’ve learnt things I see others I liked did. I wouldn’t have learnt because I found curiosity in the specific object, I learnt because they did it.

Years later, in high school I found myself with a best friend. Subconsciously I began copying his traits, way of speaking, mannerisms, even clothing style. It’s like I was a copy of him. I was blending with him.

Then we had a fight and friendship ended. I was devastated, I did not know who I was anymore. I spent a large amount of time alone, dwelling into spirituality and meditation.

A year later, I get into a relationship. It started alright, until one triggering experience. She went into a trip with her friends. Irrationally enough, even if I was invited but didn’t want to go, I felt fear of abandonment. That triggered a part of me which made me develop a severe anxious attachment towards the other person. I started checking up on her 24/7, talk with her 24/7. I wanted for us to “become 1”.

This was too demanding for her and we broke up. I was devastated again. It felt like a part of me was tore apart.

Now, 2 years later, I’m observing a pattern.

There’s clearly a fear of abandonment, which may came from multiple sources, I’ll shortly brief some here

As lost as I am, I think there’s some signs of BPD. I read some posts and I relate to them.

Thanks for reading.

I feel dumb writing this, my mom would tell me to quit thinking like this ;-;

cross-posted from: https://leminal.space/post/25141616

More photographs at the link: https://www.flickr.com/photos/203410126@N05/

More photographs at the link: https://www.flickr.com/photos/203410126@N05/

As a 1080p 21' monitor user, when I got my first Mac laptop seeing it's HiDPI sharp text I was instantly hooked. Thing is, I still need to do my work on a PC. So I started my search for a higher resolution than usual monitor.

Recently, Dell dropped s2725qs which is a steal at 300 euros. It's 4k 27 inch 120hz and 99% SRGB. I set it at 150% scale on KDE Plasma. It works well. Compared to Cinnamon where text was a bit fuzzy at 150% (fractional scaling duh...). Optimal scenario would be 5k so you can use 200%, hence no fractional scaling, but you can't complain at this budget. My eyes are really happy now. I love it. Speakers are surprisingly decent. 120hz is very nice addition, actions like scrolling or playing a game make it so enjoyable.

I know this is technically not a HiDPI monitor, since they start usually at 200+dpi. This Dell is 161dpi, but works for me.

If you have any questions, let me know!

I'm writing this whilst I'm burning

https://x.com/CosmoMidias/status/1950770038073667636