PixelProf

I am curious what other folks have to say on this matter. This is quite specific to me, but perhaps pieces will be recognizable.

For me, growing up with undiagnosed ADHD which was really very apparent in every aspect of life looking back, many habits were built up without realizing. I also had a complex childhood dynamic, which I think is likely quite common in those with ADHD given both your own difficulties and the genetic component which means there is a pretty good chance that one of your parents has ADHD and faced similar struggles. In adulthood, it has been tricky to uncover these.

One of the maladaptive strategies I and many others developed in childhood was to lean into the anxiety as a source of stimulation and motivation. Not intentionally, but early on you are rewarded for these behaviours. Maybe...

• You didn't complete the homework but in a panic you get it done during your first class of the day.
• You stayed up all night doing a project that you forgot or postponed.
• You restrained yourself to the point of pain in family gatherings or other important social events.
• You did all of your chores in one angry burst because you were sick of reminders, aggression, or maybe passive aggression.
• After many experiences of getting things in late, losing track of time, or otherwise, you obsessively pay attention to the clock and deadlines.
• Faking illness, to the point of maybe even feeling that illness, to build back capacity after doing all of the previous.
• Many more...

The thing is, staying up late, avoiding stimming or talking, being preoccupied with time, panic working beyond your capacity - this is what likely got praised. Not the way you did it, but the end result. The only breaks were being physically exhausted to the point of people recognizing it as sickness.

In adulthood, I found myself feeling incredibly anxious about any kind of work. Any kind of commitment, really. Getting sick during periods where I can rest. Even with life circumstances being great and surrounded by great people, this feeling persists.

I found that two strategies were built up which evoked exactly the same physiological feelings.

1. Losing track of time and being fully engaged is a super power. I don't want to say ADHD is a superpower; it's a painful disorder, and I do not mean hyper focus here - I simply mean that when I'm not concerned with clock time, it feels free and productive. It isn't appreciated, though, when other people are around or depends on it. The maladaptive strategy? Find timelessness only when alone, avoid commitments which rely on time awareness, and becomes obsessed with due dates and deadlines and not allow myself to enter that timeless state where I really do my best work in fear of losing track.

2. A need for that panic to work. I'm not just talking about leaving things to the last minute as a motivator, but looking at a TODO list and generating a feeling of dread because that's the place you live when doing work. It's like clocking into work and putting on your anxiety hat.

I hadn't quite connected that this was a form of masking when alone, and it was fascinating to imagine taling off that mask and seeing what was left. Realizing that the situation wasn't evoking dread, I was, to make it familiar enough to get things done.

But with the right understanding, I've begun to see the truth in it. It isn't worth making yourself unhealthy and angry and sad to do more than you are capable of. It's also not worth doing that for things you ARE capable of.

Where is the solution?

It's probably different for everyone, and you might need a lot of assistance. I'm early, but I'm noticing lots of positive change. Basically, I'm allowing myself some risk by trying to not engage in those tasks when feeling that feeling. Stop nourishing that behaviour. Take the time to get into a better place, and then engage in the work and things that are tough during that. It's not easy, because it's very different from many years of experience, but it's a different kind of difficulty than the anxious feelings being used as fuel. When anxious, focusing on what's within and outside of my control, and not avoiding the anxiety. When feeling good, going and doing the things currently associated with anxiety, to re-associate it.

Basically, be the guardian you think you needed. Someone to reward your approach and not your results. Someone to say that being healthy is more important than the A. Someone who says it's okay to take a break or get lost in what excites you.

I hope this helps a little bit at least, and I'm interested to hear if others have experience with anything like this and how it's going! This could be linked to many things, but I'm just assuming it's a common history with those who have executive function, emotional regulation, and time perception problems.

Edit: A great point made in the comments I want to highlight; while it's perfectly normal to grieve, it's also perfectly normal to not grieve. If my points relate to you, look into it a bit more and consider it, but if not - and you don't connect with it - don't be forcing yourself into a headspace, we're all different!

I think this is a very important and not very discussed topic. Dr. Barkley put out a video about this on YouTube a little while back, and I'd already started considering this well before and I was excited to see it backed by his experiences. I think it's quite important because it can help to make sense of different reactions and feelings and try to gain some clarity.

In short, upon getting diagnosed for ADHD, you very well might (I can't say likelihood) experience some "stages" of grief (order not a given) - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These phases can come and go, and come back again, and Dr. Barkley has a going recommendation to practitioners to discuss this as part of their diagnosis, but they often do not.

I'll just give my own experience here and I highly recommend checking in with yourself / your supports to consider if you might be in this place and needing clarity, and I hope it's helpful.

• Diagnosis: I was original diagnosed with ADHD as a differential diagnosis, but received no treatment. Things continued getting worse, and eventually a new psychiatrist said it was clearly ADHD and started medication.

• Fake Acceptance 1: I was willing to say I had ADHD, and discuss my symptoms and share experiences. It was all surface level.

• Denial 1: The diagnosis was short; I'd had the differential, but I was surprised how quickly he prescribed me medication. I took the medication, and things were much better (early meds euphoria) but even still, I thought I was probably placeboing. I straight up thought my psychiatrist had prescribed a placebo to placate me just complaining about everyday things.

• Anger 1: No, these meds are helping - and they could have helped me for so long. Tens of thousands of dollars in tuition fees from missed deadlines, rent overpayments, not making reimbursement deadlines, late penalties - decades of deep depression, burnout - when it was so obvious. Why wasn't I checked out? Why did my first psychiatrist give up on me? Why didn't my parents ever notice the many signs?

• Denial 2, Bargaining 1: Maybe eventually I can just develop the systems I need to get by, I won't need meds, or maybe I will, but I'll be able to be at 100% without ever exhausting myself or anything. Maybe this is just temporary, and I'll develop the things I need to get through it. Maybe there just wasn't childhood signs.

• Depression 1: But there were. There were signs, the meds help a lot but they don't solve everything. It sucks. It's unfair, I'm tired, I need a break.

• Acceptance 1: After a bit, I started to really feel like I had a disorder, and it was here to stay. Not only that, but the way that I think is fundamentally different from the way most people think, and I will not relate to most people on a deep level because it's been so core to me. I appreciated those I could connect to deeply, and recognized that things are just going to be harder. Society doesn't need to change - I mean, it could - but it's my responsibility, my burden, but that's okay.

• Denial 3, Bargaining 2: ... but, if I just set up my calendar, and set up alarms, and commit to things, we're good! No issues, I'm sure.

Random urge to share some hacks that I've come up with that have worked for me and might be helpful to others, and encourage hearing some more!

The most generic ones: Reduce decision making, focus on "if this then that" systems, and provide clear visual indicators.

Tl;Dr:

• Flip pill bottle upside down when taking meds to remember you took them.
• Smoothies are a super easy food that can be really nutritious and might bypass stim meds appetite loss.
• Scales for cooking means only needing one tool for measurements and not needing to clean lots of spoons; use non-American recipes or write down conversions once the first time you make something.
• Before bed if you're racing thoughts, write things down in a notebook and put it somewhere you have to pick it up (e.g., on coffee maker).
• Take notes using a non-linear tool like Obsidian canvas to better represent your non-linear train of thought.
• Freeze all of your food and prep more than you need when chopping to freeze it.
• Learn to cook meats from frozen, e.g., in the instant pot, to avoid thawing or meat going bad.
• Keep colourful stickers or sticky notes around so you can place them on things to remind you to look at it and deal with it later when you have time and energy instead of forgetting it when you look away.

Can't remember if you've taken your meds? Visual indicator systems to the rescue! I flip my pill bottle upside down once I've taken it, and keep it visible near my bed or by my coffee table/desk. If it's past 3pm, if I see it, I flip it right side up every time so that I don't leave it upside down overnight and get confused in the morning.

Not eating breakfast? Smoothies. Keeping the Sims metres full is important. I always run into decision fatigue in the morning/afternoon and by then I'm too faded to decide to eat, or Vyvanse has me too not hungry to consume food, or I'll spend forever making food to ignore my work. Bonus: Get a scale for cooking so you dont need to find and clean dozens of spoons and convert your recipes to masses (North Americans).

So smoothies. I ignore work for a day to do a wild research binge, figure out the nutritional value of some different smoothie mixes, experiment, and now I've got a go-to breakfast every morning that doesn't hit my nausea and gets me nutrients. You can also measure out 3-4 at a time and freeze them in small containers, excluding wet ingredients.

BTW my go-to right now is appx. 150g milk, 50-70g sugar free yogurt, 60g frozen blueberries, 70g banana, 25g rolled oats, 25-50g spinach, 7g chia seeds, maybe 30g strawberry if I'm feeling it, maybe a dash of cinnamon if I want. Seems decent in terms of nutrients, and all stuff I've got frozen or on hand anyways.

Bonus: A microwaved sweet potato is better than it deserves to be for 5 minutes of microwaving and pretty nutritious and sating.

Planning tomorrow at bed time? Before bed, I've got tons of thoughts about what I need to do the next day. I write them in my notebook, then put my notebook on my coffee maker (a Clever brewer for easy cleanup, decaf beans) so that I have to pick up the notebook anyways. Not every day, but if anything pressing comes up.

Note taking is tough linearly? My thoughts aren't linear, neither are my notes. Ever since I started using Obsidian for note taking, I find myself using the Canvas option which basically makes your notes into a graph/flowchart. Then I can colour code, link notes to other notes, turn each bubble into an entire page of notes, tag the notes. It even has an option to show you a random note on startup which can be helpful if you take notes and never read them.

Food going bad? Prepping is too much transition to cook? Freeze everything. Prep more than you need. If I'm already cutting half an onion for a meal, cutting a full onion isn't hard - in fact stopping halfway might be harder. Cut one or two, toss it into a sheet, stick it in the freezer, and now you're saved chopping for a bit. Bananas on their way out? Cut them into pieces and freeze them, frozen bananas are a freaking snack. Cutting bell peppers? Freeze that shit. Fresh spinach? I skipped the parboil and just froze it in a freezer bag and it worked great for smoothies and adding into curries. Freeze it all.

Meats going bad? Instant Pot was a saviour. Cooking chicken and sausage from frozen in the instant pot works great for all kinds of things. Slap a premade curry paste onto a frozen chicken, throw in some frozen spinach and frozen peas, meal ready in about 30 minutes. I use naan for everything because it freezes and reheats well; mini-pizzas with frozen pepperoni that's portioned out, naan as a sausage bun, garlic naan with pasta, whatever, it's versatile and freezes well.

Can't do this right now and then you forget? Having the short-term memory of a fly sucks. Have sticky notes or stickers around the house. Then when you notice you need to clean the toilet or refill something or whatever it is and you can't do it right now, just stick something colorful on it so that you look at it at a better time. I don't even bother writing things down on the note, it just needs to draw my attention at a time I can deal with it.

Just a few, might add more if some come to mind, but hoping to hear some other's thoughts :)