Asklemmy

I'm dying in a religious conflict

https://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Middle-School-Crush-to-Like-You

UUUHHHHH

monday

inhales

I like coming here.

In break times, i often get to see her, with her long skirt, her adorable jacket, and her soft, long, brown hair.

She is rather tall in her friend group, she must be 13, maybe 14...

It doesn't stop me for loving her even if i am in my 40's.

Nothing can.

It's not a barbaric attraction like thoses weird pedophiles.

My love is pure.

She's made to be mine.

"I want to be with her together."

tuesday

She just leaved the school to buy her meal.

Today she did attach her hairs into two braids, with ribbons at the ends.

She is so cute.

"I absoluetly want to be with her"

She seems to be alone right now.

"Is it my chance?"

Slowly, gently, silently, I put some chloroform on the piece of cotton.

Softly, purely, nicely, I approach her from behind.

Strangely, surprisingly, quickly, she does a barrel roll and a backflip, and face me with an assault rifle.

Rougly, straightly, immediatly, she say: "ladies and gentleman, we got him"

Painly, horribly, trementously, i get perfored multiple times by supersonic projectiles, and fall on the ground.

"aww man"

I just died trying to get a middle school crush to like me.

Guys don't call the police it's for the thing

I think this speaks for itself

I die in a conflict where I tell a Wizards of the Coast zombie that Paizo and Pathfinder are the best, which, honestly, I should've seen coming.

Apparently I'll die becoming Israeli

I'm dying of stupidity, apparently.

I have nothing more to add to this.

https://www.wikihow.com/Get-Rid-of-Carpenter-Bees-Using-Wd40

well hmm, This could be interesting

Welp..

Is that link rigged...? This is what I got:

https://www.wikihow.com/Give-a-Rectal-Exam

How To Get More Views on a Facebook Video

God dammit

https://www.wikihow.com/Write-Your-Own-Eulogy

Well, at least I was prepared.

I'm checking a microwave for leaks, how did the C4 even get in here?

:(

https://www.wikihow.com/Build-a-Snow-Cave

apparently I'm bad at igloos

I die in a freak hawk training accident.

I die cleaning a bicycle chain.

While catching a ghost crab.

https://www.wikihow.com/Catch-a-Ghost-Crab

Ok, so I guess I'll need to move to the USA in the future

Yes, dying from the most dangerous of human endeavors: small talk.

Who knew that dying my brown hair blonde without using bleach could be so dangerous?

How would I die by this?

"How to Convince Your Parents to Let You Have a YouTube Account"

How to Combine Documents in Microsoft Word

I always suspected

https://www.wikihow.com/Wrap-Luggage-in-Plastic-at-Home

MISUNDERSTOOD INSTRUCTIONS, CAN'T BREATH.

I managed to get this: How to Fire a Gun.

So it's at least plausible.

uh oh

I spent way to long thinking it was "How to make Scorpion man miss you". Thought I was gonna get stung.

"How to confront a cheating husband"
That actually makes sense as a way to die, I just need to become gay now.

Aw shit.

When a narcissist loses control…

While searching for a Cherry Grove Blossom Biome in Minecraft?! How do they know that?! (⊙_☉)

How to run away from an abusive home.

I was already planning to run away from an abusive home.

This is horrifying

So does the plant kill me or is there an aloe vera crime syndicate I got on the wrong side of?

How to Make a Bra in 15 Easy Steps

An exceedingly dangerous activity indeed.

Here, don't stop! It's endless scroll meets wiki: https://wikitok.vercel.app/

Lol at least this kind of makes sense: https://www.wikihow.com/Take-Clenbuterol

Removing mold stains from wood flooring.

"what to do when someone texts you an apple emoji."

I'm extremely curious to see how this plays out.

UPDATE REQUIRED PLEASE UPDATE ON GOOGLE PLAY STORE. So I guess I die from updates.

I guess from shrinking stomach

Phew, good thing I don't own a car and haven't driven for 13 years... Wait maybe this is the year 👀