this post was submitted on 31 Dec 2024
173 points (95.8% liked)

Not The Onion

19760 readers
1536 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] r00ty@kbin.life 63 points 1 year ago (1 children)

You should instead use Toto brand toilet wipes. 39.99 for a value pack of 15!

[–] Maxy@lemmy.blahaj.zone 18 points 1 year ago (3 children)

(un)expected factorial? 1,30767e12 wipes seems like a lot. I guess you never specified currency, but at an average cost of 3,0581e-11 per wipe, I’ll assume that that’s a pretty decent deal.

[–] r00ty@kbin.life 10 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Well, that would be good value! (there's also an Excel joke just there but now I've ruined it). In this case, I was using the symbol to denote emphasis in linguistic terms and not embiggen a number.

[–] Maxy@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Yeah I figured you meant the linguistic rather than the mathematical sense of the !, but I chose to intentionally misinterpret that for comedic effect.

Would you mind explaining the excel joke? I’ve spent very little time using that program (I’ll leave it up to you to decide how fortunate I’ve been), so I don’t really get it

[–] r00ty@kbin.life 5 points 1 year ago

Well I cannot check, I'm in Linux right now. But I'm fairly sure when there's an invalid value for conversion or other function the cell shows the text "VALUE!" in it.

[–] jimbolauski@lemm.ee 4 points 1 year ago

Everything gets cheaper when you buy in bulk.

[–] Fermion@feddit.nl 3 points 1 year ago

Now you run into the problems of minimum order quanitities that make it impractical for an end user to acquire the product. The costs of transporting, warehousing, and eventually disposing the vast majority of 1,30767e12 wipes will far exceed the initial purchase price.

[–] Kit@lemmy.blahaj.zone 52 points 1 year ago (11 children)

Every public bathroom I've used has pee all over the toilet seat. I don't understand why guys don't either use the urinal or sit on the toilet, why piss on the seat?

[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 19 points 1 year ago

It isn't necessarily intentional.

A lot of dudes have no idea how to actually aim their junk. Other times, you might get an unexpected spray. They might be in a hurry and just not aim beyond facing the toilet. And you've got splashes from usually forceful urination. There's probably people that do it intentionally.

The real question is why the fuck they don't clean up after themselves.

[–] chonglibloodsport@lemmy.world 11 points 1 year ago

It’s not always pee. One of the public restrooms I’ve had the displeasure of using repeatedly (it’s on campus in a building I frequent) has toilets and urinals with extremely high pressure flush action. Every time you flush the pressure is so violent that they spray water all over the place, including on the seat and all over the floor. They’ve been like that for years and never fixed.

What’s especially rich is that there’s sign above the urinals which says “your aim is appreciated” which makes me laugh every time. I’m so careful using the urinal not to spill even a single drop on the floor, then I flush the damn thing and it makes a huge mess!

[–] jagged_circle@feddit.nl 7 points 1 year ago

Probably because the last guy pissed all over the seat, and they didn't want to sit in piss

[–] nightwatch_admin@feddit.nl 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I always wondered why too; maybe they think it’s “gay”? Or possibly playing Fireman Sam or something?

[–] Kit@lemmy.blahaj.zone 11 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I'm going to regret asking this, but what is Fireman Sam?

[–] funkless_eck@sh.itjust.works 7 points 1 year ago (2 children)

A kids TV show about a fire fighter from the UK.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] dogsnest@lemmy.world 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The first step is to acquire a penis.

Then, imagine you're standing in your garage, watering your driveway....

[–] nightwatch_admin@feddit.nl 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

That’s more Gardener Gilbert, or Peter Powerwasher, but yes indeed

[–] homesweethomeMrL@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Willie Waterer gets no love??

[–] nightwatch_admin@feddit.nl 4 points 1 year ago

Sure he will! *hugs

[–] Lumisal@lemmy.world 5 points 1 year ago

Probably also kids. The urinals tend to be to tall for them to use and they don't have great aim.

[–] syklemil@discuss.tchncs.de 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Or at the very least lift the seat.

Guessing they also don't close the lid so they get to spray themselves with whatever's in the bowl when they flush. And then don't wash their hands before leaving.

[–] Kitathalla@lemy.lol 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The amount of public toilets with lids is not 0, but it's approaching that limit in the percentages... It's one of the reasons I don't leave home without my 10-foot pole.

[–] shalafi@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Just lift it with your shoe.

[–] Kitathalla@lemy.lol 4 points 1 year ago

It's not about the lifting, it's about the flushing from a safe distance. Gotta set off those traps while out of range.

[–] olafurp@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

I've seen evidence of people doing long range pee with the seat down in the UK when I went to visit.

load more comments (4 replies)
[–] Emptiness@lemmy.world 26 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Wait, what are they using to wipe their asses that can damage a toilet seat?

[–] baldingpudenda@lemmy.world 8 points 1 year ago

Pre laminated or compressed OSB apparently.

[–] homesweethomeMrL@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago

Probably 200, 201 - whatever it takes. *snif*

[–] XTL@sopuli.xyz 1 points 1 year ago

Paper from the lowest bidder.

[–] whyNotSquirrel@sh.itjust.works 25 points 1 year ago (2 children)

The Washlet, Toto's flagship bidet toilet, includes features like an automatic lid, an air dryer and pressure controls for the bidet's water stream.

For some reason I read "Hair dryer" and started picturing people putting their head in the toilet to dry their hairs

[–] vodka@lemm.ee 18 points 1 year ago (1 children)

My bald uncle once said he had to go dry his hair.

He had just recently gotten a bidet.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Srootus@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 year ago

I genuinely read airfryer, I was proper confused

[–] Blackout@fedia.io 16 points 1 year ago

I personally love the sensation of sitting in cooled yellow liquid when I crap. Its the only reason I eat at McDonald's.

[–] homesweethomeMrL@lemmy.world 16 points 1 year ago

Toto management: By replacing customer service with AI, we'll save millions!

Also Toto management: How could this PR disaster have happened??

[–] elucubra@sopuli.xyz 11 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Doesn’t anybody else lick their seats?

[–] PunnyName@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Taste buds might cause scratches. They are raised bumps, after all.

[–] intensely_human@lemm.ee 1 points 1 year ago

If toilet paper can cause scratches on that hard material, it must also be causing damage to the skin. Does it really need to be that tough a material to do its job?

load more comments
view more: next ›