I'll just say it's an obituary and be confident that I won't need to say more.
this post was submitted on 01 Nov 2026
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There's an old Soviet joke:
A man goes to a newspaper stand every day, buys a copy of Pravda, glances at the front cover, curses, and throws it away.
After a few weeks of this the seller just has to ask what's going on: "why do you always look at the cover but never inside?" "I'm looking for an obituary." "An obituary? But those are in the back!" "Oh no, the obituary I'm looking for will be on the front page."
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Trump Found Dead on Toilet
Netanyahu Assassinated, Israel Collapses
Putin Dead of Colon Cancer, Russia Retreats from Ukraine
Socialist Revolution in North Korea
Myanmar Rebels Unite and Overthrow Junta
Sudanese Anarchist Republic Recognized by UN General Assembly
Saudi Royal Family Flees Capital During Violent Uprising, Interim Government in Talks with Yemen
DRC Enacts and Enforces Stringent Labour Laws, Ebola Cases Low
Canada's Green Party Elects first Woman Premier
China Enshrines Proportional Representation into Law
Socialist Revolution in North Korea
That would confuse so many right-winger heads.
Could cause the death of trump because he doesnt know who to suck up now
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"Ram prices plummet- Solid state memory overstock reaching critical levels"
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"Every single AI company declared bankruptcy, all of their executives received the instant death penalty, and Donald Trump died a slow agonizing death over a 92-hour period."
Trump sentenced to 400 years solitary confiment after being found guilty.
Drug found that can extend life to 500 years.
A quick death is too good for some
>invents immortality
>sentenced to life in prison
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In rapid succession:
-
Sustainable energy now open-source
-
Rewilding commons yields global benefits
-
Atmospheric CO2 reaches pre-industrial levels
-
World Food Programme ends human hunger
-
World Rejoices in universal debt jubilee
-
Humanity achieves intergenerational wealth for all
-
First Contact Consensus: Together, We Ascend
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I think a lot of us are waiting for the same headline.
There is someone who works a new stand. Everyday an elderly man walks up to the stand, looks at the news papers and the walks of in disgust.
Eventually the worker stops the old man and asks him "Why do you do that every day?"
The old man says "I am looking for a specific obituary."
The worker says "But the obituaries are in the back on the new paper."
The old man says "Not this one."
I check headlines everyday for the big win. Everyone at work is planning a huge party for when it happens. If I happen to be off shift that day I’ll be dancing in the streets with everyone else.
They don’t make a beer mug big enough for the celebration that will ensue after he dies.
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"White House confirms independent media reports that President Donald Trump has passed"
Or something like that, because we all know the white house won't go out and say he has passed, other outlets will report it first, then at one point the white house will have to say it.
Former president executed for ultra-treason
Obituary, but I keep getting the wrong ones.
(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
"Donald Trump, Disgraced President of the USA, Dead at 81"
...twice impeached and convicted of 34 felonies....
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"AfD Banned"
Obituary for CEOs of AI companies
Donald Trump, JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Pete Hegseth, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Nancy Pelosi. Chuck Schumer, Vladimir Putin, Rupert Murdoch, Sam Altman. Dario Amodei, Kim Jong Un, Xi Jinping, Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, Jared Kushner, Kamala Harris, and Russell Vought all die mysteriously seemingly within minutes of each other.
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he's dead
On weekends, we hear fireworks occasionally on the weekends. We assume it's for whatever sports game is in season.
But I always check the headlines real quick
"So much new housing has been built, everyone can now afford buying their own before their 40s"
or better
"Corporations in fatal decline as most of the economy is now organised via cooperatives"
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When is the ORANGE OBITUARY!
"US Government collapses"
During Trump's first term, I kept predicting that one day he would go missing, along with one of his helicopters, and turn up in Russia weeks later
The death of Tryanny and all it's orange forms
"Law of equivalent exchange proven by science, Ted Cruz transmuted into enough pure energy to run planet for a century."
The one that we are all waiting for. He can’t have that much time left. Recreational sales will reach record numbers that day. Parties will be had. The next day will suck, but for that day—that night—we will fucking party hard.
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"Tech market crashing. Massive economic down turn."
"Russia overwhelmed, can no longer sustain war."
"United States completely crashes. Becomes third world country."
"Upper class mass murder! Multiple billionaires and multi millionaires assassinated!"
"Xi Reads History Book; Realizes Taiwan Isn't Part of China After All"
Nice try
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