this post was submitted on 13 Oct 2026
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Lemmy Shitpost

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[–] hansolo@lemmy.today 22 points 2 days ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (2 children)

Other than Save Sara Connor, everyone has this wrong.

Faking an identity is easy. Back then it was all paper, and for Americans, SSNs were only just barely standard. Say you grew up in some rural bumblefuck place and sign up for everything fresh. Full Tara Westover story would work.

Next, find your grandparents. Convince them you know them from something through a friend they've mentioned to you and crash on their couch long enough to get a basic job, then apartment, car, and grow a moustache. Which should take about 3-4 weeks. Restist your mom's advances and attempts to take you to a high school dance.

Next, get to the west coast and start selling and buying up real estate. Buy and sell Hollywood back to itself until 1988. Then start buying real estate in New York. On the side, buy stock in all the classic tech companies, Nintendo, and in the military industrial complex. By 1993, you'd be a millionaire. From there, do whatever you want. Buy early and sell AOL stock. Blackberry. GE.

Then do good things in the world. Pull the fire alarms in the WTC at 8:45am on 9/11. Get a certain orange therapy so he stays with Ivanna for the kids. Invent Paypal first and steal the other half of it from Peter Thiel. Convince Woz, Gates, and Jobs that the future is in open source software. Find Linus Torvalds and mail him a billion euros. The morning before the Citizens United decision, bribe Clarence Thomas to abstain and pull the fire alarm. Mail Bernie Sanders $52 every week, anonymously. Get the pilots of Pam Am 103 super hammered the night before so the fight gets cancelled. Organize a London public transit boycott for 7/6/2005 lasting 3 days. Find the people that cancelled Firefly and murder them, wear their faces as a mask, and make sure the series goes at least 5 seasons.

You know, chill stuff like that.

[–] UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Full Tara Westover story would work.

Who is Tara Westover? Nevermind, I'll just Google i- FUCK.

[–] hansolo@lemmy.today 2 points 1 day ago

Yeah, wild, isn't it?

I grew up in a place not too dissimilar from how she grew up, with plenty of fundy LDS nearby. My wife read her book and was telling me about it, and the whole time I was thinking "Oh, good for her. Wait... do I know this person? I don't know anyone named Tara..." Anyway, the world isn't as wrote and straightforward as people think.

[–] zod000@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 points 1 day ago

I have to say, this plan is well thought out.

[–] the_riviera_kid@lemmy.world 15 points 1 day ago

Cease to exist

[–] rob_t_firefly@lemmy.world 6 points 1 day ago

I'd miss my wife.

[–] Smaile@lemmy.ca 5 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Buy stock in all the obvious companys

[–] UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world 4 points 1 day ago

Be me

Wake up in 1983

Realize I've got the opportunity of a lifetime

Reach into my wallet: Empty

Check my bank account: Empty

Check couch cushions: $1.47

Feel kinda hungry.

Remember what you can buy at Taco Bell for $1.47 in 1983.

Have lunch.

Go get a job at Blockbuster.

Kick back for the next twenty years.

[–] DarkFuture@lemmy.world 4 points 1 day ago

Shift in the womb. Maybe kick a little to let my mom know to eat something for the both of us.

[–] FreshParsnip@lemmy.ca 19 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Find evidence of Trump's crimes and try to get him convicted, or at least discredited, before people even think about electing him

[–] boaratio@lemmy.world 6 points 2 days ago

It's funny that this has become the new "kill Hitler" move.

[–] MisterD@lemmy.ca 10 points 2 days ago (3 children)

Great idea until you realize that the architects of project 2025 would have found a replacement that would be smarter and more capable to bring Fascism to America. It would actually make things worse.

[–] nathanjent@programming.dev 4 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

smarter and more capable

I don't think you understand the part he plays. A smarter replacement may not have been so easily manipulated to follow their plans.

[–] Nalivai@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

They still would need a charismatic leader in a position of power to do anything.

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[–] iocase@lemmy.zip 3 points 1 day ago

Begin existing somehow because i wasn't born for about a decade

[–] Tiral@lemmy.world 10 points 2 days ago

I was born in 1983, so everything?

[–] Cellari@lemmy.world 4 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Oh no I'm back in the nutsack. A shitty situation to be aware of things

[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 16 points 2 days ago (1 children)

What is my living situation? Do I have money? If I have the resources I'm gonna be planning a roadtrip to remove a bunch of future problems from the timeline.

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[–] Psiczar@aussie.zone 5 points 2 days ago (3 children)

Immediately make a list of everything that will happen in the future that I can bet on or invest in.

[–] EvilHankVenture@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

None of that would be reliable anymore, unless you can bet on geological events. Your presence would have a ripple effect that alters events more and more as time goes on. Every interaction with you knocks people off their original timeline, and every person they interact with is knocked off their timeline. This begins localized around you but quickly spreads until even uncontested tribes are no longer on their original timeline. The timelines diverge more and more as time goes on. Something as volatile as sporting events become hard to predict very quickly. The stock market probably follows similar trends for a few years but becomes more difficult to predict, your knowledge of successful products is probably still helpful. After 10 years no babies originally born in that year will be born, the chances of the same egg meeting the same sperm is incredibly unlikely. The world is unrecognizable.

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[–] Bishma@discuss.tchncs.de 14 points 2 days ago (1 children)

First I'd bask in all the social and financial safety nets that Reagan and the Bushes hadn't been able to destroy yet. Watch some pro-union TV ads. Then try to meet Mr Rogers and Ramblin' Rod.

Then I'd probably try to invent rechargeable lithium tetrahydride batteries a couple years ahead of time, use the money to invest in MS and Oracle, and funnel the profits to Enron and Bernie Madoff before their bottoms drop out. Once I'm too rich to jail, I'd have some other people I'd want to "meet"... while armed.

[–] itsjustachairmary@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Do you know how to invent rechargeable lithium tetrahydride batteries right now?

[–] Bishma@discuss.tchncs.de 7 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I know the chemistry and I know some of the universities working on it in the 70s and 80s. I don't know how I'd get in the door with no credentials. I like to think I could talk myself into Oxford... it's delusional, but I like to think it.

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[–] MehBlah@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Check what season of TNG is on and get ready to leave home early.

[–] cattywampas@lemmy.world 63 points 3 days ago (4 children)
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[–] melsaskca@lemmy.ca 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I'd put out what I can remember of 'Graceland' and beat Paul Simon to the punch.

[–] rob_t_firefly@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

Steal Graceland from Paul Simon and give it back to Los Lobos.

[–] ikidd@lemmy.dbzer0.com 6 points 2 days ago

Sell my hockey cards and buy Microsoft.

[–] AstroLightz@lemmy.world 8 points 2 days ago

Go back to sleep. Finally I can get the 43 years of sleep I always wanted!

[–] sundray@lemmus.org 50 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Stop my parents from meeting.

[–] TrackenDaKracken@lemmy.world 3 points 2 days ago

Not knowing the specifics of how this game works, but assuming I'm 17 again and everything is the same as it was, I go to my first GF's house and... yeah.

Because that was one of the best years of my life. I hope the game is that I get to live my life over from that point, knowing everything I know now, because I would do a lot differently.

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

Get really confused because I've never been then before

[–] dektep@lemmy.world 20 points 3 days ago

visit New York and take out some trash before it gets too orange

[–] sanzky@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago (2 children)
[–] FreeAZ@sopuli.xyz 5 points 2 days ago

Have fun doing nothing for almost 3 decades.

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[–] Ariselas@piefed.ca 40 points 3 days ago (2 children)
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[–] WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today 3 points 2 days ago

Not exist I guess.

[–] Mongostein@lemmy.ca 26 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Say “why’s it so dark in here?” from my dad’s nutsack

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[–] tigermountain@lemmy.world 2 points 2 days ago

After kind of freaking out I'd remember all the information I've accumulated over my previous lifetime and be pretty happy. I'd know what the future holds and use that to my advantage.

[–] bennypr0fane@discuss.tchncs.de 11 points 2 days ago

Go to kindergarten, same as always

[–] Krudler@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

Write a letter to the lead singer of Anvil, tell him that it's time to give it up & hire a fucking songwriter.

[–] dharmacurious@slrpnk.net 28 points 3 days ago (3 children)

Assuming I'm transported back as myself at my current age?

Figure out the whole identity issue (no paperwork), but then invest in Apple and Microsoft, wait it out a few years, stop my mom from marrying my dad, and help her figure out her medical troubles early enough to change things.

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[–] likebudda@reddthat.com 1 points 1 day ago

Get a "hoard bitcoin" tattoo on my thigh.

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