There's a book called "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski that while geared for cis women (talks about vaginas), explains that there is a mental part to orgasms and 'enjoying' sex. There are certain triggers for turn-ons and turn-offs like a gas pedal and brakes. I don't think you are broken, just having a hard time in life. Pelvic floor therapy ended up helping me along with the book and therapy, maybe there is a combo for you too. Please hang in there ❤️
this post was submitted on 19 Jul 2026
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thanks ❤️ ill check it out. i know how mental it can be, which is part of whats been so frustrating. i know my feelings in the moment make all the difference but i cant seem to do anything about it once i start withdrawing or spiraling or whatever.
i started doing kegels again today so hopefully that helps eventually. i was avoiding them for a long time because they seemed to make a chronic anal fissure i was dealing with worse, but i figured out i was approaching healing the fissure wrong (let me know if this is of interest) so now it shouldnt be a problem to do kegels again.
There's some really good general wisdom in Come As You Are about responsive desire, which applies to most of us, but also just one paragraph dedicated to transfemmes saying, "I don't know what your answers are, maybe there'll be another book for you someday." And the rest of the book centers cis anatomy. So definitely go in knowing that, but it can still be helpful.
There's also a PDF zine that's called "Fucking Trans Women" that offers more specific info about us. Those two are a pretty informative combination, but hopefully something more comprehensive exists in the future.
And you're definitely not broken. So many of us deal with the exact same thing. I hope you find the answer your looking for too.
The worry and anxiety about it makes it worse like a bad cycle but I eventually got through it so I believe in you being able to as well. You might have to focus more on you first, play music, or read a smutty book or take a bath or anything to pamper and kinda set a mood for yourself. Partner comes after that, I found a partner made the anxiety worse in the beginning. You want to avoid the 'brakes'. Try to avoid the pressure of having to perform.
I turned out to have a strong pelvic floor that had a lot of trouble relaxing and so exercises like deep breathing through the pelvic floor helped and I still use it. One go-to for me is doing a happy baby yoga pose and deep breathing in the pose. I had to use dialators at one point for point release. It was a whole process! It's hard to know if your pelvic floor is too tense or not strong enough or a mix of both, there was this subreddit I use to read a lot about it. Fuck reddit but they had a community for everything lol.
I know that times are hard so this might be useless advice. Have you talked to a sex therapist about this? A friend of mine had similiar issues which were related to her christian upbringing and she was able to figure things out with a therapist. Not saying it's the same root issue for you, but might be worth a shot? 🤞
i havent talked to one no, but ive thought about it. it could be... i was raised christian. i dont believe any of it anymore, but there could be some internalized shame i havent addressed... no there probably is. guess ill look into it.
Wishing you the best girlie. And just to note: for my friend this was after she left the faith. This shit runs deep =/
just a little update, i think a large part of my problem is in fact sexual shame. i tried reading girl sex 101 a bit today while trying to be gentle and accepting of myself and it was... emotionally difficult to say the least. even just telling myself my sexual feelings are normal and good, and trying to believe it, was almost too much. its gonna be a hard road for a minute...
Being kind go yourself will go a long way towards making things better. I'm unable to cum unless everything is just right and I feel safe. It seems like you're fighting to figure stuff out and so you will. Compassion for your own struggle will help it go more smoothly.
i know... ive even told others as much on here for other stuff. im trying to be kind to myself but its been hard to apply in practice. i spent so much time beating myself up over stuff its a hard habit to break.
It is a hard habit to break. No doubt. It's important to your happiness so you will keep at it until it's integral. That much is clear. Stay the course. It will not ever be easy but you will gain skill as you explore and try different ways to be. Please please please remember the baddie you are already by just admitting you are different or struggling let alone working to create your best life every day. 🤜🏻🤛🏻🫂💜
For me post HRT, more of my arousal was mental and required more sensual touches, foreplay and buildup. With direct genital or anal contact, I'd usually get tired or sore before I would orgasm. I've also found that there's a lot more depth to a full body orgasm, and that it can, but doesn't have to involve me cumming in the traditional sense.
I'll give some advice that helped me and my partner, with the exact same issue. I have no problem orgasming, but my partner struggles. We have found that focusing on the most gender euphoric parts helps her finish, in her case it's gently playing with her boobs while she's topping, which allows her to focus on that rather than the other physical sensations. Penetration, while not a negative experience for her, in fact she very much enjoys topping, still isn't the most important part of sex for her. This advice might not be relevant to you if topping is very euphoric for you, but focus on the parts of sex that are most euphoric. Fulfilling each other's kinks also helps us!
Hay. Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn't.
I used to go for cumming as well. Now I just enjoy the ride. It takes 30min or an hour to cum? That's fine. It's more time I could enjoy myself. I found it liberating to focus more on the journey rather than the finish. It also made me capable of finishing more and more frequent (not that I recommend my 4-8h journeys)
Imho, nothing broken.
I had a while when I couldn't orgasm. In fact, I rarely cum from someone else's touch even though I prefer it to my own. I have had these feelings and I don't know how to solve the problem.
saving this because ive felt the same way since like, forever...
i sadly dont have any advice but hopefully other people do 🫂
🫂😭
Might be bottom dysphoria if ur pre-op
if you are pre-op
This sounds quite transmedicalist. It does feel she likes to top and also the term you use imply that every transfem must undergo bottom surgery which is not or that it is a goal.
i do like to top :3
Meow :3
The term pre-op does sound presumptuous, but the idea that bottom dysphoria could play a role isn't truscum. My partner loves topping and is on the fence about getting bottom surgery, but still has bottom dysphoria and that's a huge part of why she has trouble orgasming.
Could be that the dysphoria is societal dysphoria or other kind. Like expectations to them. I have faced this towards my body hair.
I feel uncomfy to go out in other things than jeans and high tigh and is mostly this. That does not means I needed full epilation but a environment where I felt safe to be myself there and not to worry for some hair in my legs.
I definitely feel this! I haven't dealt with dysphoria in a long time, and I rarely deal with any form of bigotry in my personal life, but I still feel that pressure! I've been late to things because the stubble on my legs was just a little too long, even though it's unlikely anyone would notice it, and I had to shave. Hell, even today I wore a long skirt instead of shorts because I didn't have time to shave! Super annoying, especially because no one would likely notice or care, but I'm sure someone made an off comment when I was impressionable and now that's psychic damage I gotta live with.
Try not making it sexual! Turning special private time into a pagan ritual helped me. Visualizing and feeling myself alone before civilization in a place of deep connection to nature and our Earth, with my body as sacred and my pleasure as an energy that binds me and all of life together making us possible. Like, ours is a universe that lifes, and I'm connecting to it through pleasure. That sort of thing!
ಠ_ಠ its sex though. i dont need any woo woo. i appreciate the sentiment but its not for me.
As a straight guy, I will have you know that i also had this issue in a particularly stressful anxious depressing time of my life. Stress can do that for sure.
as a former involuntary straight guy cosplayer, i wish it was just stress anxiety and depression. im sure they are making things worse but ive had this issue in times of my life when i wasnt stressed anxious or depressed.
That is also very real. All of those things have the potential to wreck the experience so much! Some more clinical and medical than others.