All posts need to have the same title: me_irl it is allowed to use an emoji instead of the underscore _
To follow this allegory through:
You can get the tools to work on the foundation.
Will it be cheap, easy? No. Require lots of learning, effort, time, fuck ups, and sacrifice? Yes.
At some point you become responsible for the damaged foundation. No, you are not responsible for how it got cracked or who damaged it, but it’s yours to leave broken or try to repair, hopefully not make worse or pass on to someone else.
To follow this allegory further:
Sometimes the foundation is fucked up beyond repair. You've brought in specialists, gotten quotes, made repairs, tried old and tested, new and modern, but the experts have told you the foundation is simply fucked and the building is not safe and it never will be with this foundation.
At some point you become aware the damaged foundation is irreparable. The building isn't safe and it never was, it's amazing it's somehow still standing even now.
So do you go build a new building and hope your experience in broken foundations can help you build a strong resilient one? Or do you do what you can to avoid ever being responsible for another foundation out of fear and understanding that you can't maintain strong foundations and don't want to put other buildings at risk?
Word.
36 years is long enough to have started something to try and fix the foundations though. Like some kind of ground stabilising cementitious grout injection.
Maybe try that with your life?
Only if you haven't surrounded yourself with other like them. The thing about discovering how screwed up your family is involves distancing yourself from them. The more you discover how those silences you experience with others are them being shocked at your fun family stories is a real eye opener.
So bury your parents in cement
He accidentally made an argument for not blaming your parents since you'd move out of the building rather than continue moving to various floors in it.
Yeah, at a certain point, you can continue to blame them, but the responsibility to fix it ultimately falls on you regardless. Go ahead and blame them, but don’t use it as an excuse to not work on yourself and improve.
Like most difficulties in life, be it trauma, neurodivergance, or any number of other issues; they're explanations, not excuses.
Much like mental illness. Your depression doesn't stop you from working out or going for a walk, but it might make it really really hard to start. You can use that as an excuse and never start or you can acknowledge this is why you never want to start. You just have to do it, or rely on someone to get you to do it like a good friend or partner.
If you let depression stop you from walking you'll never walk and get the benefits from it which could help you beat or mitigate depression. Maybe after 2 years of daily walks you won't be depression free, but its almost guaranteed you'll be doing better.
Wow thanks I’m cured.
Or you can just die which depression sometimes leads to -- like it's a disease. How come some people survive cancer and some don't? The disease is different for each person. Same with depression.
Blame is a mechanism specifically designed to absolve oneself of responsibility. "Hey, I just wanted to let everyone know this fucked up thing I do is because my mom didn't tie my shoelaces properly.". The people affected by your actions don't need to know why you do this fucked up thing, they just want you to stop doing it to them.
It can be, and is often used that way, but it doesn't have to be.
And, generally, knowing the root causes of problems helps in best figuring out how to fix them.
My therapist mentioned its 80% awareness, 20% adding effective skills. But it can take a long ass time to rewire the engrained habits with new neuropathways habitually remembering and applying effective skills
There are some things that can't be fixed. Being physically impacted by a decision your parent made can't just be undone, depending on what it is. It could be intentional or it could be an accident, but it's still permanent.
You can't really move out though. The metaphor is that your parents construct the lower floors of your building based on how they raised you. In real life, you can't un-raise yourself or rewrite history, so moving out and into a new building with better foundations isn't an option. Best you can do is get some outside help to throw in some external supports for those shaky lower floors.
If each floor of the building is a year in your life, what does moving out mean in this metaphor?
Self termination
Therapy? Self-Realization? Ego Death?
Adoption?
Moving out? In this economy???
So you don't understand metaphor?
Go on then - "move out" and build a new society... Whilst you're at it, stop aging or "moving up floors".
Fucking how are people so munted they don't understand metaphor?
Honestly, this is very validating to hear since I'm about to cut contact with my mother and elder siblings.
Thats a hard decision to make, congrats on having the courage to take that step in your life.
I read a book about cutting ties to toxic people. I wrote a list and included my parents. Absolute night and day on my mental health and my professional health.
I didn't "cut them" like full on ghosting. But keeping my distance and chatting with them once a year.
I'm rooting for your success.
It's from this special which is on YouTube.
Edit: it's an amazing special. Hilarious throughout.
Well, at 36 i was still begining to understand how they fucked me up lol, still working on getting over it lmao
Half of my problems stems from my parents, the other half from all the bullying and a system that lets it perpetuate. I'm so fucked up in the head because of all that and I'm still trying to come to grips with it. Cannot afford therapy so it's a lone task.
Honestly, this. My current work place does a lot to be supportive, but after so many years of abuse and misunderstanding from crappy authority figures it's really hard to trust that they'll have my back.
That’s sure one way to sit in a chair lol
Next thing you know you're noticing his elbows!
I mean by this logic, they can blame the parents for teaching them to sit like that?
How do you dare to tell me that I'm my father's son
When that was just an accident of birth
I'd rather look around me, compose a better song
'Cause that's the honest measure of my worth
