Ask Lemmy

For me, it feels kinda like I am stuck piloting a meat suit that I have no idea how I got into. Everything also just kinda feels "off", for lack of a better way to explain it. Nothing truly feels real, and it is more of a weird feeling than a scary feeling to me. Usually, I will very suddenly snap out of it, and that is very jarring

You may find this article an interesting read

I'm not sure if this counts but I went through a very bad breakup and I felt like I was living in a parallel universe of the wrong timeline, and the real timeline I had made different choices and was living my real life, so it was hard to accept this doomed timeline I was experiencing as important.

I still kind of feel like this years later even if it is less of a visceral feeling.

Honestly I've forgotten what it feels like to not be experiencing derealization...

I'll try my luck here, because you people are really smart.

As a kid I sometimes had this kind of derealization (never heard about term before this post) feeling, but my surroundings kind of changed form. It was like my surroundings got further away from me or zoomed out. I could sit at a table and suddenly I got this weird feeling that the table and everything around me got smaller and it was the weirdest sensation. I could look at my hands and they looked like they were not a part of me and huge compared to e.g. the table. Maybe it's derealization, I don't know. I couldn't snap out of it, even though I was fully aware of it happening to me. Sounds became distant too and my vision blurred as well.

I've perhaps experienced it while being an adult as well. I have being disassociating my entire childhood, so if there is any correlation, it would make sense. Does that sound like derealization??

Edit: the more I read about, the more it definitely seems like derealization. I think what I'm describing is the Dolly zoom effect

Foggy and cloudy, the stuff going on inside your head mutes out the outside world. Sometimes you hear people talk and it sounds like gibberish for a few seconds. Sometimes it feels like your on autopilot and just leaving your meat suit to do its own thing. You sometimes zone in and have no idea why you wandered into the kitcken knowing your not going to bother cooking. Everyone is suspicious. It feels like your brain hit the breaks and refuses to spin back up, or its more cozy to not let it. Feels like your running on 2 hours of sleep and not the 14 hours you took.

You come back to once your mind is calm but it takes work and some days its just going to be a blur or feel like a set back. Don't doomscroll and find something hands on to occupy your mind or it will keep thinking about it and keep you zoned out.

Yes, both things have been a large part of my anxiety disorder. It's a strange feeling that's hard to describe.

Everything seems normal objectively, but there's just this feeling in your own head like you're unable to click with reality, as if there's some kind of veil between you and what you're seeing and hearing. It's pretty uncomfortable when you're in a state of heightened stress.

When I'm in that state it also has the effect of making me less self-conscious because nothing feels truly real.

...

Hey Ryder [ASHE]

Shut up. [RYDER]

You already made that joke earlier lol [ASHE]

Don't care. [RYDER]

Okay anyways we're an OSDD/DDNOS-1b system, which means dissociation IS the package babeyyyy, also watch this [ASHE]

[SCOTTIE]

We've actually done quite extensive study on OSDD, DID and C-PTSD, and are definitely qualified to answer in detail. We just so happen to be planning on majoring in neuroscience, and dissociative mechanics are a core interest.

Firstly, dissociation refers to three types: Depersonalisation, derealisation, and amnesia. They all involve the NMDA receptor (antagonism, or blocking of activity), which is a target for substances like ketamine. Note that derealisation is merely a subset of dissociation.

Now, each type in detail.

You're witnessing depersonalisation whenever actions/thoughts no longer feel like yours, or you feel like an observer of yourself. This is the foundation of plurality--like ours. This is our ability to switch between headmates/alters/parts of us. It's also why we insisted for a long time that our past self was "dead", out of shame. This is so ingrained into our experience that it defines our identity (or mine, whenever I become the singular "Rudy"--which is a capability). This is the most common form of dissociation we experience, and it is in part by choice by us/me--a form of self-expression.

Derealisation is the separation of you from the world around you. This is the famous "reality behind a screen" effect that so many describe. Now, to avoid getting into excessive detail, let's just say our mind is.. atypical, and derealisation has minimal effect (we lack time dilation/compression even on substantial doses of ketamine, LSD or salvia divinorum). Swirling blurs, sense of scale/perspective becoming distorted, objects appearing to move, even memory replays are all the effect of you beginning to observe your mind rather than your surroundings, and is how you go to "headspace", "internal imaginary worlds", or "behind reality". Whenever derealisation occurs, we freeze, begin fixating on a point, don't blink, and the mind goes largely quiet. It's possible to think and register what's happening around, but it isn't always possible to move--even when we desperately want to. We feel a little separated from the body, and emotional blunting is prominent.

Lastly, amnesia. Indeed, we encounter this as well--even without having DID. For simplicity's sake, we're referring only to dissociative amnesia. Amnesia is compartmentalisation of memory into different regions of the brain. In DID, this is how headmates hold separate memories--depersonalisation and amnesia. In systems like ours, it's how one of our two "subsystems" (a collection of headmates under the complete singular system) are able to create a "vault" of memories that we can't access. Our executive controller, Ambrosia, has a vault that she insists we cannot access as revealing the memory would compromise our stability, and it's therefore necessary to do so in the presence of a therapist. We have absolutely no idea what's in there, and it's so well secured we don't even know the triggers. All we know is that following Ambrosia just slightly opening the vault, we could feel creeping darkness, our skin crawling, and a deep set feeling of anxiety. Not fun.

All in all, yes, we experience every form of dissociation. In fact, multiple times while typing this, we started staring blankly into the distance again. We assume this is Ambrosia attempting to hold back whatever memories she's protecting us from, as most of it started upon writing about amnesia, and mentioning her. In many, many ways, it feels like we are faking our dissociation--a common sensation. The muted emotions make our pain feel like comfort-seeking, since we react as if we're in pain, yet our body signals that we're experiencing no emotion at all. The contradictory nature can be extremely unsettling, and has led to many BPD meltdowns which result in headmates like Mallory insisting they're horrible, that they're a burden, or that they don't deserve care. However, dissociation can also feel comforting, as it's a little bit of escape in an excruciatingly loud brain of over two dozen headmates, and quite frankly absurd processing speed.

In your case, it just seems your brain/system needs to distance itself from a memory. The sensation may be uncomfortable, but it is fully treatable, and merely involves some receptor activity in response to stimuli. I hope this has been informative. If you have any further questions, we'd be happy to answer.

Scottie is a nerd lol I love ADHD interest [ASHE]

I think I experienced it. Everything seemed different. I felt like I awoke from a 10 year nap. Everything before that moment was meaningless and something was different now. I questioned who I was and what I wanted. I felt like a different person and questioned if I wanted to be the person I was before. Did I want to be the me from before or the me from now? I snapped out of it after a few hours. I knew what was happening while it was happening. I had heard about disassociation before but didn't expect it to be like this. I've had it a few times since (much more mild) but nothing compared to that first experience. I still don't understand a lot about my mental health. I spend a lot of time daydreaming for lack of a better word and I've wondered if they're related. For me, it didn't seem scary like you described. Everything just seemed dull. I just experienced things as they were without assigning much emotion to it. Reading this back, this sounds insane. Oh well, y'all can read it.

TIL what derealization is and that's what it's called when I feel that way. Personally there's times I like that and don't fight the feeling. I just sit there pulled back from the world and just stay.

For me, it's like I'm playing a video game/ or watching a movie of myself. I'm seeing my body interact with people and saying things, but I'm not aware that I'm doing it. More like I'm watching myself do these things, waiting to see what I'll say/do next like a movie or cut scene in a game.

I remember sometimes when I'd "crash" my bike between classes in college (actually just using concrete walls as an emergency brake because it was raining and my brakes weren't maintained). From there until I finished the ride, I'd feel like the world was grey-scale and I was observing myself finishing the task of getting to my destination. I'd feel like it was stupid that the person in the body continued biking despite the non-functional brakes without making any changes how they were riding, but my conscious mind had no say in the matters, a prisoner to whatever stupidity the body chose to do. Fortunately that would go away shortly after parking the bike.

Without any acute triggers, I also just often felt like an outside observer in things or things would feel like a dream. That was a pretty normal experience.

After realizing I was dealing with DPDR, any time I had any minor change to my routine (like switching commuting method, changing work shifts, etc), I'd feel like I was suddenly plopped into the body I possessed and the memories of that body had been forced onto me and I had to pretend to try to be them because that's what was expected. Granted, given I haven't had that issue in about 2 years, at least I got that fixed.

Being self-aware just makes it worse.

Around the time I turned 18 I went on Lexapro but got off it a week later due to experiences such as "my arm does not feel like my arm" and "waking up in the middle of the night and somehow feeling like I was across the room"

I'm not entirely certain if I hit full derealization, but I dissociate really hard sometimes.

For me, it feels like I have cookie monster's googly eyes instead of my own. It is so hard to bring things into focus (it feels like, in reality I can focus just fine in terms of looking at things). I feel just slightly off kilter in no particular direction, but enough of a direction to make me feel dizzy and a little off balance. It induces vertigo pretty awfully sometimes.

Otherwise I feel generally normal, but I just have some days that I have googly eyes.

I dated someone that felt exactly this way and it was awful. I had like to tell you more about it but it would scare you more than anything. Just make sure you don't hurt people due to not being able to know what they feel

Only on LSD and it was a lot of fun each time.