this post was submitted on 08 May 2026
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39
Bigender (lemmy.world)
submitted 2 days ago by Nissa@lemmy.world to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
20 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Here goes...

I had a therapy session tonight, it went well just not long enough. I still have questions, I'm still really confused, I've never needed more time with my therapist before.

Let me start over

Hi, I'm Nissa! But also howdy, I'm Lewis. I'm not one, but both. Dual-binary as I call it. Is this a thing? Being trans doesn't mean be this, get in the box. There is no wrong way, right?! But to let myself be Nissa I have to give up something of Lewis's. To keep being Lewis, Nissa will continue to suffer. I can buy and wear the clothes, I can wear the make up and style my hair but it'll only be half steps. I love my skirts but I also love my three piece suits.

I started writing this last week after my therapy session. I don't feel like I had enough time and even started crying, not knowing what to do or what I can do. I haven't been around much lately because I've felt so confused. I haven't girlmoded in almost 2 weeks, partly because of this, partly due to outside stressors, and partly due to my wife's stress and needing Lewis.

I did some digging today and turns out bigender is totally a thing. I can be both, there are others like me. I can rock makeup and a mustache. I can grow my hair out again and style it while still enjoying a 3 peice suit. I love painting my nails and I want to get better at it. I am honestly considering laser hair removal for everything sans mustache cuz shaving sucks.

I want to continue to be apart of this community because my trans side is fem and I need your help and support. When I'm talking to all you lovely ladies I'm Nissa, but I can be Lewis at the same time. Being here and supporting you makes me happy. I don't know what my future holds, but that's okay, no one really does. I know 2 things for sure:

  1. I'm going to keep coming back here, sharing my stories, pics as I get more confident, and mostly to bask is the glow of all of you maybe live vicariously through you too

And B. I have a new dress at home that I'm going to try on this evening, and if I don't hate it I'll try and make a post

Thanks for listening

Love you all!

♡♡♡Nissa♡♡♡

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[–] AzuraTheSpellkissed@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 21 hours ago (1 children)

I'm happy to read a new post from you, and to get to know Lewis! Both sides are welcome here ❤️

Do you feel comfortable telling us more about the dynamic regarding your gender identity and your wife? Sounds like both of you express your desires and needs and respect each others' and work on a compromise? That sounds healthier than what you usually see with many couples, hopefully everything works out in that front.

[–] Nissa@lemmy.world 3 points 19 hours ago

She is very understanding and supportive and has done her best to accommodate my needs and express her feelings. We have agreed on girlmoding 2 to 3 times a week unless I need to be Nissa or the wife needs me to be Lewis. Along with open and honest communication we are doing our best. This is obviously still very new but luckily we love each other enough to work through anything and try to be a better person for the other everyday.

[–] Domi@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

You can have it all! Be yourself in all the ways you want to be. It just makes the world a brighter better place for the rest of us.

[–] Nissa@lemmy.world 2 points 2 days ago

Yes! Happiness is contagious and compounding. Every time someone shares here, it makes me happy and encourages me to share too.

[–] Shirow@lemmy.zip 11 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I mean the goal is for you to be happy. So as long as you do what you are happy with. That's all the answer you need 😊

We're all unique after all, and that's the beauty of it. 😉

I can't reconcile with my old self. I won't say that it was all bad. But I won't forget who I was even though it can be painful to see my old self.

[–] Nissa@lemmy.world 2 points 2 days ago

Happiness is key! I consider myself lucky that i don't have the severe body dysphoria. Sometimes I wish I could be physically feminine. Sometimes I want HRT but that's a pretty big commitment. Kinda. I know most effects go away if you stop taking it but still. I hope your pain goes away in time

[–] Kovukono@pawb.social 2 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I've only had the fortune to read about a bigender person once in literature, and they're a character in TJ Klune's The Art of Breathing (Corey/Kori). It's the third in a series, but jumping right into that one should be fine if you're okay missing out on the other books. I think you might enjoy it.

[–] Nissa@lemmy.world 2 points 2 days ago

I will definitely look into it, and honesty probably read the whole series just because I'm trying to read more any way. Thank you for the info, I really appreciate it!

[–] brookedSmile@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Absolutely do both right? Dont try to fit into anyones box, make your own box!

[–] Nissa@lemmy.world 3 points 2 days ago

I prefer bags to be honest haha! But yes both, double the fun!

[–] erin@quokk.au 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

does u want hrt?

[–] Nissa@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

This is the hardest question to answer. If you asked, do I want to be super adorable like you are? Hells yea! If you asked, do you want to keep the mustache? Of course I do! That's the problem with both, there isn't a standard game plan. There isn't a road map or step by step process. What i want is a magic swap gender button. This is a problem for future Nissa, present Nissa just wants to be seen, accepted, and happy. To walk hand in hand with Lewis not live in his shadow.

Two roads diverge in a woods, yall started on one side and decided to cross the woods to the other. I've decided to walk amongst the trees.

[–] erin@quokk.au 2 points 2 days ago (1 children)

hardest? what about twink death and futher even more masculinization

if u fluid/enby possible to that on hrt

[–] Nissa@lemmy.world 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I definitely past twink death already, I'm 36 and really can't get more masculine. HRT would just give me some curves and smooth out the rough edges, at least from what I've read. It's not off the table but not sure if I will

[–] erin@quokk.au 2 points 2 days ago (1 children)

BRUH im wrote a long message then page reloaded accidentaly and there no it((((

[–] Nissa@lemmy.world 1 points 2 days ago (1 children)

That sucks! I don't want to make you write it again but sure would have liked to read it.

[–] erin@quokk.au 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

try again wrote it

u can get more masculine(the men aging)

hrt can grow boobs depends on female relatives, and mom or more complicated dad bio sister

hrt can make skin less oiler/smoother, also the body hair thinner too but stop male alopecia, can, distribute new fat in other zones, change muscle definition, and some girly mentality

for enby thats very good, but depends on level of masculinization other ppl need surgeries but even surgeries cant redo most testosterone stuff sadly, for example even ffs is very limited how much bone possible to shave and huh its not reconstruction is shaving

also quite unconfortable since im minor, hrt can change sexuality thing, possible erec dysfunction(rare, mostly its based on neurology, reversible), athropy if dont maintain it(on T random erects are designed to prevent athropy), infertility(reversible), less libido(varies)

still if dont really want it, under-researched biochemical dysphoria exist, for me on testostetone is was hell biochemical level, depersonalization and other unfun things, since puberty start, estrogen is best antipsychotic

also there are in-between hormones Selective Estrogen Recoptor Modulators SERM, they antagonist in breast tissue, but agonists in other, raloxifene or lasofoxifenne(better newer and rare), tamoxifene is worst, the problem is under-researched and untrackable throught bloodtests, carries more risks than regular bioidentical estrogen

DIY exist if u live in transmedicalist/banned area (dont otokonoko pharm plssss), open gate labs in US and astrovials/estrapen in EU(which operating currently) (https://diyhrt.market/)

u can still experiment w social expression

doing lgbt harmful gender ideology propaganda extremism in view of WhiteHouse/Kremlin hehehe

[–] Nissa@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago

Wow, you know soooo much. Thanks for the info, I really appreciate it. You have definitely given me some things to think about

[–] Vibi@lemmy.blahaj.zone 9 points 2 days ago (1 children)

When I first started my own journey, I originally identified as non-binary. It's what I changed with the courts and the various government offices. It was something that felt right and was done to be slightly anarchist - it was my way of pushing back on gender as a concept. I used she/they pronouns and enjoyed discovering my style. I think at the time it was also a way to defend myself; I couldn't be attacked if I didn't commit.

Slowly, I started leaning fully into my femme side. I realized that I was still living in a way that was driven by fear...as I had my entire life. As I found new friends, community, and felt supported as a human, I embraced what was truly in my heart. I now identify and present fully as a woman and use she/her pronouns.

I feel like our journey's of self discovery take us all to different places! We explore ourselves, learn about ourselves, and start to love the person inside of us whose voice was muffled by society and culture.

Thank you for sharing your journey with us 🩷 and I hope that every new thing you learn about yourself continues to bring you joy and helps you shine even brighter 🌟

Also, yessss laser hair removal is sooo amazing. Even if it's not as full proof as electrolysis, the few stubborn hairs that do grow back are so much easier to deal with!

[–] Nissa@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

Thank you for sharing! Hearing about other people's journeys help me understand that there is no correct path. I'm still figuring things out but I things this is a good step in the right direction. If taking a step makes me happy then I'm moving in the right direction. I've even talked to the wife about laser hair removal and she wants it too so we are going to look into it together