^Legally we can't call it^ Parmesan Cheese
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but we promise it tastes just the same
You know there are many Italian hard cheese? They also taste different.
(Although probably not when made in the US)
Made me think of this: 
its pronounced par-me-sian.
No, it's Parmigiano 👌
Parmesan't.
PARMESAN
^cheese^ ^is^ ^protected^ ^by^ ^the^ ^european^ ^union's^ ^region^ ^of^ ^origin^ ^laws^ ^concerning^ ^regional^ ^origin,^ ^thus^ ^this^ ^is^ ^merely^ ^strong^ ^,^ ^tangy^ ^and^ ^hard^
CHEESE
That's a long-ass way to say 'not parmesan'.
Better than Pasteurized Process Cheese Product (aka American cheese)
I'm convinced that Doritos nacho cheese dip is closer to a fossil fuel than a dairy product. I still eat it though 🤤
Doritos themselves are good kindling material if you ever need to make a fire.
In no way am I coming to the defense of American cheese product here, but I do need to point out that there are actually 3 different types of American cheese, based on how they are made. True American Cheese (which is "Pasteurized Process American Cheese"), the grosser "Pasteurized Process Cheese Food", and the absolute worst "Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product".
If you have never had it before, you should absolutely try real American cheese, maybe just don't go into it with the expectation that it's similar to any other kind of cheese (I'm not even sure it could be called a cheese anywhere else tbh but it's really good). It's OK on its own, but it's really good for being used in or on other things.
I'll just go ahead and admit right now that I'm an American (sorry) and I'm poor, so I don't have the chance to try the best cheeses, but I have managed to find and try most of the best cheeses that an average citizen can find in the US.
The "prepared cheese food" is the disgusting thing to which you're referring, that stuff doesn't even melt which is fucked up. It's not legally able to be called a cheese even in the US. It is the main reason that American cheese has such a bad rap, the second reason being the "cheese product", and the third being that even true American cheese sometimes has a fake looking yellow/orange color to it (but white American cheese is also a thing if the colors turn you off).
Actual American cheese is really good on burgers, breakfast sandwiches, and imo it's by far the best cheese for a grilled cheese sandwich. It melts very easily and the flavor is creamy and delicious. I still don't know whether it's actually a cheese or not, but I do know that it is delicious.
One quick way to tell them apart is the packaging: aside from the name, the gross ones are always individually wrapped (because I'm pretty sure it's not something that could even be sliced, so they just pump it straight into the wrapper or something gross like that). True American cheese is usually not individually wrapped, it's just a pre-sliced cube of solid cheese (if it is an actual cheese, again I'm not sure).
The weirdest thing to me is that anyone could find the cheese food acceptable. Its not even that much cheaper than the real stuff and it is incredibly gross, the texture is off, the flavor is most similar to vomit. We have other cheeses here, why is this even still a thing?
Here's is the relevant Wikipedia section if anyone is interested:
Because its manufacturing process differs from traditional cheeses,[19] federal laws mandate that it be labeled as "pasteurized process American cheese" if made from more than one cheese. A "pasteurized process American cheese" must be entirely cheese with the exception of an emulsifying agent, salt, coloring, acidifying agents, and optional dairy fat sources (but at no more than 5% of the total weight).[8] A "pasteurized process American cheese food" label is used if it is at least 51% cheese but other specific dairy ingredients such as cream, milk, skim milk, buttermilk, cheese whey, or albumin from cheese whey are added.[20] Products with other added ingredients, such as Kraft Singles that contain milk protein concentrate, use legally unregulated terms such as "pasteurized prepared cheese product".[21]
This was great. For an encore, can you write an eloquent defense of American milk chocolate. American Cheese is to the grilled cheese sandwich, as Milk chocolate is to s'mores.
So American cheese (the real stuff) is actually real cheese. It's basically just cheese with an emulsifying salt added to it, usually in the form of sodium citrate or similar. This salt is what makes American cheese melt so well, you can actually buy it and melt it into other cheeses to make them melt like American cheese. Or you can make it yourself by mixing baking soda and lemon juice
Thanks for the interesting read!
My condolences on the state of the US food industry as a whole, and dairy in particular. As a European who loves their cheeses, it saddens me how a product that's not cheap but accessible can be gatekept economically like that in the US.
Don't be hard on yourself about it though, to me this is a systemic failure. You clearly did your research, even though the "cheese platter" available to you is small and mostly gross ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .
If you're looking for a hobby though: making cheese yourself doesn't require any expensive stuff except milk (and in some cases time). You may have come across making mozzarella at home, which you can do in a day. But other cheese is possible too: apparently you can make a young cheese with yoghurt as the culture which starts fermentation!
that even true American cheese sometimes has a fake looking yellow/orange color to it
I recently learned this is true of cheddar cheese too, they add annatto to it for coloring.
You seem to be mistaking cheddar for red leicester.
That region of origin protection does not extend to the United States.
In the US, "parmesan" can legally be just about any kind of cheese made in any location (mostly Wisconsin), as long as it is aged at least 10 months, and not more than 32% moisture. "Parmigiano Reggiano" and some other specific trademarks are protected terms in the US that mean the same as they do in Europe.
I believe Parmesan is actually a protected description for cheese that originates from Parma / Reggio Emilia.
Otherwise it’s sparkling cheese!
can you imagine? carbonated cheese? Ugh.
Parmesan has become the type name, and Parmigiano Reggiano is the protected name for the Italian cheese. There's actually an urban legend that the Parmesan made in Wisconsin is the more authentic, historically-accurate recipe, because the cheese made in Parma and Reggio Emilia has evolved over the years, while the immigrants in the United States stayed true to the old methods.
Slate has a long read on the topic.
TL;DR:
Neither one is "authentic." Both Wisconsin Parmesan and Parmiggiano Reggiano have evolved independently.
In the EU, I know that for sure. Only if the "original name" is Parmigiano Reggiano, you may sell it as Parmesan. Otherwise, you gotta label it hard cheese or something. I think the same is true with pecorino romano.
Technically these "not Parmesan" cheeses can be just as good as Parmesan if produced using the exact same method. Which is not impossible for a modern dairy producer.
However (and that's a big one) it will cost just as much. Most of these are meant to be cheap, not good.
Real Parmigiano Reggiano isn't vegetarian thanks to the rennet, so an alternative of equal quality would be worth the price to anyone avoiding meat products.
They generally don't age the blag ones as long, and baby of them are pasteurised.
"Blag" ones? Do I detect a Scouse accent there lad?
Edit: nvm just saw further down you're from NI. Didn't know both of the dialects used that one.
Lived in Liverpool for about 15 years.
More like "basically Parmesan"
"On par-mesan"
It doesn't have the same taste. It's an imposter. A pale imitation.
American?
Me or the cheese?
idk both? either?
Me, Northern Irish. The pretend parmesan, in England.
Ah well there you go, the english are at fault.
Always, the colonising bastards.
Huh... I assumed from the shitty date format you were from burgerland, but it's hard to tell when the day is below 13.
ISO 8601 is objectively the best date format.
The worst fake parmesan I've seen was Rapesan in Austria.
All I have is hard cheese and bubble gum and I'm fresh outta bubble gum
"Parmesan-y"
Parmesan Inspired
Based on a parmesan story