Ask Lemmy

Gifts don't have to be something you like, want, or need. It's about the thought, care, and love that goes into them. Whether you like new things or old things, it doesn't matter. Gifts have subtext. Your SO probably will equate your love for the gift with your love for them. Use them both. Love them both. Love the people who gave you both.

Gonna leave this here, it's worth a read:

Asker vs Guesser culture

I think from a factual basis your position sounds perfectly reasonable, I feel similarly about new things. (Perhaps there are other parts of the story missing though?)

There's a lot to be said for delivery. If you opened a gift an reacted badly immediately, that would hurt. Even if the gift was misjudged, it was probably meant with good intent. Accepting thankfully, acknowledging the intention, and THEN coming around to the "but you really should have checked in first for something like this" might be a good way to start.

I'm very suprised by a lot of these comments. it's very common advice that a gift giver should gift something that the reciever wants, not the giver. Not gifting someone they already know isn't common advice but it's already common sense. Common sense isn't always as common as the name suggests, though, and we all have blind spots. The other commenters may be right in that your wife's reaction might be a sign that your tone was harsher than you intended or thought, but that doesn't change the fact that you were hurt as well. if this was an aquiantance i might agree that you should have just accepted the gift graciously even if you were just gonna return it, but your partner should someone you can be honest with and someone who will appreciate that honesty

like most relationship problems, i think the best way to move forward is to talk it out. i'd apologize for the way you reacted whether or not you actually blew your lid as an olive branch. explain again calmly where you're coming from with this and emphasize gratitude that your wife was observant enough to get you a gift they thought you would use while also explaining- again, calmy- why your wife came to the wrong conclusion. try and zero in on the heart of the problem- was it specifically that you wanted to return it that was the issue? then you might be able to compromise that you keep it until your current one is broken beyond repair, for example. never ever ever say "i'm sorry you feel that way," that never goes well, but do show genuine concern and remorse for the way that they feel. after your wife blows off some steam, if you both approach this calmly and in good faith i'm sure you'll be able to find a compromise. that might look like your t-shirt rule, "no gifting things i already own," or deciding to always gift "experiences" instead like another commenter said, or maybe just no gifts moving forward if it really is always going to be a point of contention

good luck to you and i hope everything works out well for the both of you

"You shouldn't have, I appreciate that you noticed how much I use the old one, this is awesome."

That's the response that you should have used. I get where you're coming from with the shirt comparison, but it's not the same. YOU like nerd shirts, not everyone does. She gave you a better version of something you use on a regular basis.

she wants that thing that you use all the time to be from her, while she watches you use the new one and to give it the age that shows all the wear and tear that you will put into it

she probably respects that you respect and cherish the old one and maybe she doesn't want you to go without if it fails which all things will do in time

maybe you should put the old one in place that lets you see it as a trophy or momento while you use the new one and enjoy the gift your love has gifted to you

Well my advice would be to not pick a fight over a mildly annoying gift, but you seem to have your compass set to your priorities. So good luck, hope you work it out.

I have a pretty firm "just don't get me any presents" rule. It's taken some time to gain compliance with this rule. Similar to the shirt rule, I assume you gave some of those presents before being asked not to? Try the exact same approach that was used on you. Then you might have to reiterate it every once in a while.

This story is specifically non-gendered but people keep assuming that OP is male and partner is female.

Sounds like you got the gift, and same day/party told them you're going to return it?

Wanting to return it seems hurtful to me. You could probably just use it later, could you not?

This reminds me of a family member doing this once and not getting why it hurt my other relative. They eventually apologized because they realized rejecting a nice gesture is a dick move. Don't be a dick.