Ask Lemmy

“I’m a single parent, so it’s hard to work overtime without notice.”

leans in close to the interviewer

“That’s where that smell was coming from.”

Just keep trying as hard as I can

'My Myers-Briggs is NSFW'.

First, can you sign this form for my unemployment job search? Thanks bye.

Dodge the handshake and go right in for the French kiss.

So, how many holidays are there and how much are you offering, if I decide I'm interested?

Show up naked

Ask to clarify if it's really a blow job interview like I thought I read.

Blow a job. Remove the a. Instant fail and a felony.

As soon as it begins, I'll put on that one rubber horse mask that's been a meme on and off for the last 20 or more years.

That in itself might be enough.

If not I may be forced to make horse noises. There's actually a sound that's called "blowing" I think is perfect for the situation, so I could technically "blow" the interview and still get the job if they're sufficiently unhinged.

Were it not for the potential for criminal damage, I would also stand abruptly before making the noise and then, with suitable timing, violently kick the chair backwards.

I think that could all fit nicely within 30 seconds.

Or, you know, I could just tell them the truth that my mental state is incredibly fragile and the tiniest amount of work stress or office politics is going to be detrimental to both myself and the company in very short order and that I should not have been sent there in the first place... but where's the fun in that?

“Why do you want this job/to work here?” “I’m just looking for something interesting to do for a while, get out of the house a bit. This sounds interesting enough.”

They hear: I don’t need a job, I may not need money, I may already have a job, I’m not picky about where I work so I’m probably not planning to stay, I’m likely to be weird or high maintenance, I’m very likely to move on quickly if I’m no longer entertained, and most importantly, I don’t need this specific job so I won’t take abuse of any sort.

This does work to land food service jobs, though, because they don’t really care. They gain and lose staff so frequently that if you just aren’t a complete shitshow you’ll get the job.

"Workers of the world, Unite!"

brandishes a hammer and sickle

(Legal Disclaimer: I'm not a communist, I just think this scene would look so funny)

Pull out a joint and start smoking it and ask if they want a hit

Tell the truth. Corporate drones hate that more than anything.

In the movie Trainspotting, Spud took a bunch of speed right before his job interview to mess up any chances he had of getting hired.

So... that.

I guess as the applicant, turn around and leave?

As the interviewer, also leave

If I'm genuinely speed running this and don't have consequences is probably drop slurs followed by multiple, conflicting extreme political opinions involving violence and the like. The goal is that even if you find a racist who is excited about your slurs you can hit 'em with extreme progressive takes like "kill all men" or something.

Worst case, after saying a bunch of bad things and conflicting opinions they'll probably still just think you're odd.

A better but boring answer, just say "nevermind, I don't want this job" first thing. lol.

Fart into an airzooka and shoot the fart at the interviewers.

Based on my job obtaining ability in the last year apparently be me.

I’d pull a Hal Incandeza and just sit there. When they ask my why I’m not speaking, I’ll just start screeching, making weird faces, and writhing around.

What? Thats easy?

"Hi what's your name?"

"Suck yo grandpas wrinkley wang on a Wednesday!" And walk out. Done.

Don't break eye contact during the entire interview and refuse to speak. Write all your answers on paper and slide them to the interviewer upside down.

Pick my nose and wipe it on the interviewer's desk, and acknowledge nothing.

Try to set up the interviewer with my friend "who isn't as bad as they say"

I'll pick up a chair and throw it out of the window, start screaming "fuck you!" at everyone in earshot, and then whip out my dick and start pissing all over the place.

If they still hire me after that, I will work there until I retire.

All I’d have to do is turn up.

Go for the hand shake and then pull a Hitler salute.

take a massive liquid shit in the trashcan and maintain eye contact the whole time while humming or singing "I've been working on the railroad".

I’ve had 4 interviews since June where I withdrew myself from consideration in the middle of an interview. I didn’t bomb; just decided the company wasn’t for me.

You can always just say “I don’t think this is the right fit, I would like to withdrawal from consideration but thank you for your time.”

Shortest interview was about 4 minutes, not quite 30 seconds, but it would have been about 30 seconds if he showed up on time. When a CTO shows up late, wearing a t-shirt from their home office while I’m interviewing for a 100% on site role, that’s business casual attire; I’m not even wasting my time talking to this dude.

Shit on the table, then yell at them to clean it up.

I went to an interview for a company in the west coast and I was in central time. the recruiter told me that they had core hours and I'd have some flexibility. one of the first questions was whether I was willing to work Pacific time, which I wasn't, especially since it wasn't the best paying job in the world. That interview lasted about 30 seconds.