Playing hard to get is a big fucking red flag. It shows a lack of maturity and a lack of truthfulness. It also shows a willingness to be deceitful to your partner.
this post was submitted on 20 Aug 2024
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This, right here. Don't date people who play mindgames. Start a relationship the way you mean for it to continue; with open and honest communication.
Yes, obviously flirting is about dropping hints, and that's fine, but at the point where the hinting stops and one party says "I'm into you and I hope you're into me too", there should be no bullshit. If you like someone you show them the basic respect of saying what you fucking mean.
I mean, I'm more than happy to play along for the sake of having a playful time... but come on.. don't waste weeks of my life
Ain't nobody got time for that shit.
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My daughter is almost 5 and I’ve made a conscious effort to stop doing whatever I’m doing if she says stop or no.
For example, tickling. If I’m tickling and she says stop, I stop immediately with no back talk.
Or if I’m copying her in a joking way (we both do it to each other from time to time) and she says stop, that’s it. We’re done.
When I’m snuggling with her after reading books before bed, she feels comfortable enough to say, “you can go now” and I that’s it. I leave with no complaints.
In non-safety situations I ask if I can hold her hand. If she says no, that’s it, I’m not holding her hand. Parking lots are a different matter.
I will continue this throughout her entire upbringing so that if (ok, when) someone continues to do something she has said stop or no to, it will be unambiguously wrong to her.
Later when I explain that “no” is a complete sentence, it should feel intuitive.
This is so sweet and awesome it made my morning
Some advice my parents gave me is: Theres two answers: yes, and everything else
An example of this with me and my gf is that this being my first relationship I am wanting to take this REALLY slow and she respects this. But anyways I don’t remember what she asked it was something pretty tame but I said “maybe” and she responded with “that wasn’t a no but it wasn’t an enthusiastic yes either”
We've been doing this with our kids; and when they say "no" and someone doesn't stop, you better believe they say something about it!
Similarly, we've been getting consent before the doctor checks any underwear space. No pushback from any doctors or nurses for that either.
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Screw the haters. This is awesome. Keep it up.
My only concern with this is that she might get the impression that people will do whatever she asks, but there's a ton of context missing which likely demonstrates those concepts to her.
My only suggestion is to make it clear that if she says no, or stop, and someone doesn't stop, do something about that. I'm sure that will be a discussion later. She sounds young enough for it to not be very important right now.
I appreciate this.
I don't have kids and I'm just some guy on the internet, but I appreciate you nonetheless.
I'm sure she'll learn in other ways that people won't always respect when she says no. But she's learning what should be normal from her parents
I'm really trying to do this with my daughter too - she's 7 and it's getting hard at times because she's wanting space, but I'll give her that as she wants it. Unless it is safety related of course...
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I went home with a lady friend, who invited me into her bed, then said that we're not going to do anything. So, I didn't even try, and we just talked and cuddled. FF to two years later, and we start dating, and she questioned why I didn't try anything that night. Like, duh. A lady says no, it means no. That is what I've had drilled into me as a male since I was a very young age. I'm so damn scared of being called for sexual harassment.
I'm so damn scared of being called for sexual harassment.
So, you aren't worried about sexually assaulting somebody? You're just worried about being caught?
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I'm very curious how that conversation continued after you said no means no.
She was surprised at my answer, because it wasn't what other guys would have done. I guess ultimately she respected it because we dated for a few years.
You did the right thing. I helped a lady friend move out from her husband's when they split. She didn't want to stay in a new apartment all alone, so I offered to spend the night on her couch. Well come time to bed down, she wanted me in her bed. Then she wanted to snuggle. Then she started rubbing her backside against my front.
Well I read the signs and we had sex. It was fine. Wind up dating for a bit. Like 3 weeks later we were talking about something and she lays on me, "I never said we could have sex so technically you raped me."
You do not fucking accuse someone of technically rape as playful banter. Things went awkward and downhill after that. Not solely because of that. She was not ready for a relationship that soon after splitting from her husband, but I was young and horny and too inexperienced to possess the level of maturity necessary to understand that.
Anyway, maybe if I had made sure to give her more time it would've gone better. Probably not. But I damn sure wouldn't have gotten accused of rape.
Technically she raped you too...
I'm not that technical. I was trying really hard to be a good guy but I definitely wanted to fuck her. That whole façade of maturity crumbled at my first opportunity.
It was all bullshit, technically and otherwise. But there's something about a woman looking at you and saying you raped her that undoes you. There was probably a time in my life after that when I was in danger of going full incel. But I didn't and here we are. We were both young and dumb and I'm sure she could never have known how deeply that cut.
Yeah... Puuh. That's not a normal thing to say. If it's dark humor, and said with irony, it might be perfectly fine, and even funny. Because then, they don't actually mean it. But, if they do mean it? Sheesh. You dodged a poison leaded bullet.
You did the right thing. She fumbled you.
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Yeah lady, that's a good thing. Not only for safety, but because normal people don't like stupid head games or trying to guess "is she playing hard to get?"
Plus it seems to me that if somebody plays hard to get to stroke their ego about how desired they are, they are much more likely to end up with a partner that’s an overconfident or pushy asshole and might not be the most fun to share a life with.
That’s not an absolute rule of course. I’m sure it works for plenty of couples where the chase was fun and flirtatious. But that crap is not for me and thank goodness I’ve been married to a good person for a long-ass time.
"No means no" means "no means no." You don't get to have it both ways!
Look, lady, we went through decades of the women's lib movement to finally get guys to respect your wishes and quit harassing you with unwanted advances. But now you expect us to be clairvoyant or some shit when you say "no" but don't really mean it?!
Fuck that! You get respected whether you like it or not.
I have occasionally thought that a woman might be looking for more pushback when they say no, but then I realize that's insane. I have to believe people when they say no because the alternative is a nightmare, and also I don't want to be with someone who doesn't say what they mean.
I don't want to be with someone who doesn't say what they mean.
That's my point of view. I got enough BS going on with my life. I don't want to spend time talking to a partner that won't say what they mean.
yeah, of course that's it. There's a thing called other women, so that we don't have to kill ourselves over you.
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