AskTransgender

You have to channel your feelings into something productive. I recommend organizing, research organizations and find other people who are motivated by the same things you are. You can organize actions, meet other trans people and keep in contact, and raise awareness about it.

Something that helps me is reading. I know it seems passive but you're going to develop your mind and regulate yourself. An educated person is harder to control.

You are making the right choice to not abuse alcohol or drugs! Many queer folks end up in rehabs or worse, the "justice" system, by following such a path. I highly recommend Recovery Dharma! Your desire to not "give in" is ample reason to take a look at their free book, try some meditations, or drop in on a zoom meeting. Loving kindness or compassion would be a good start if you're not familiar with meditation, as they both help with self-compassion. Meditation, mindfulness, and exercise help me a lot. Yoga and sound healing are good too. Friendships help! As dandelion says, having a dream that you work towards can hold the horrors at bay. Your goal should be to actively cultivate psychological resilience. I have more confidence in the resiliency of queer folks than the regime.

So, my advice is to make a SMART goal---one which is specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timely---to build psychological resilience by practicing mindfulness meditation. Coincidentally it just so happens that making realistic plans and following through on them also builds resilience as well, so start making more of them.

Hopefully this is of some usefulness to you! You're welcome to message me if you like!

By translating my feelings into action.

The way I see my situation is that passing is a matter of survival - so I put all that anxiety and fear into my self-care and into my transition. The fear motivates all the exhausting labor put towards transition like hair removal, getting surgery, etc.

It helps motivate my willingness to take care of my body (skin, hair, nails, etc.), to learn and refine makeup and fashion skills, and to hydrate, eat healthy, and exercise.

Every step helps make it more likely I will pass as cis and be safe from stochastic violence. The steps I have taken have helped me survive interactions with the police, for example. Prioritizing passing has helped me reduce or avoid the cumulative stress that living as visibly trans incurs.

Focusing on action also translates to other efforts, like the long-term project of moving from a hostile place to a place with trans protections, or going through the bureaucratic process of updating all my legal documents.

By translating fear into action, I not only pragmatically prioritize survival, I also can put the emotions aside and focus on the problem solving. Rather than giving into despair, I try to find the next foot hold and stay calm, focused, and moving towards the next tangible step I can take. This creates a sense of autonomy and control, which is also helpful for my mentality / psychology.

When it's not adaptive or helpful to get lost in despair or emotion, I stay focused, but I find when there are moments when I can afford to, I can hold space for my feelings, allowing myself to experience the despair and breakdown crying. Seeing a therapist, writing in my journal, and talking to friends can help me process my emotions. Leaning on drugs is a coping mechanism I leaned on during pre-transition, but once I transitioned the motivation to take care of myself and the mental health benefits of transition naturally reduced the need for that coping mechanism. (I have fallen back to alcohol a few times - ironically I hadn't had any alcohol for a year before when I socially transitioned, and when my egg cracked I drank an entire bottle of wine. The same happened the night Trump won his most recent presidential election, despite not having had alcohol otherwise for many months.)

Otherwise I just try to stay a bit disconnected from the reality while remaining open to the variety of possibilities, and trying not to pre-judge or assume how it will go. There are many possible bad outcomes, but I have been surprised with how many good outcomes happen anyway, sometimes even as a downstream result of a bad outcome. (Semi-related, see also the Chinese parable, The old man lost his horse.)

So just ride the waves and direct yourself towards a better reality, and in the meantime take joy in the present moment and remain open and aware of the possibilities.

I believe that is NOT the answer You seek, and don't think I'd recommend it for any longer time, if at all... As Yous said, until problems goes unignorable...

But I don't cope. I hide under bed, cry until dehydrated (ok, not literally, but close to) and hold my hands close trying to NOT act. ~~As I believe~~... I want to believe, violence is not an option, and don't want to use that way. Even if history behind us and options in front us tells, that violence may be the only way? Desperate way to survive, like rat, who tried to escape and hide, but if cornered, can violently attack the cat.

We may be in similarly bad spots. Just thx for writing that question loud.

To be clear. I much doubt i'd do that dirty myself, not only because what's in my head, but physical state too. Still I imagine some green ~~cape~~ cap L hero would appear around to the rescue? (oh silly me.)