Trans

I'm not really sure why anyone expects to love being trans - even if it weren't highly stigmatizing, it's also just not a good time. I don't like having to depend on exogenous hormones (let alone ones I have to inject with scary needles), and not having the right body or anatomy has been so acutely distressing at times I wasn't sure I was going to make it.

I think there is a reason a lot of us disappear into deep stealth once we can and don't build and maintain an identity as a visible trans person if there is an alternative, it's not only that trans people are mistreated in society, but being "trans" starts to feel like a deeper invalidation of who we are, and if we become cis-passing, an invalidation of who we have become. Why would we want to identify with the very label society uses to remind us of the invalidity of our gender? "Trans" really starts to feel like an asterisks, "trans woman" might as well be "woman*" (*the FDA has not reviewed this statement for accuracy).

I'm well aware that even if I tell queer allies that I'm trans, that what they hear is that I'm actually male, that my womanhood is fake. I just don't feel that's accurate, so I don't tell people I'm trans. I don't identify as trans. I don't want to be trans, and I don't have any interest in identifying as trans.

That said, I think the only reason we're having this conversation is because there has been a pride movement that has been trying to elevate trans folks - both in terms of visibility, but also our rights. There are brave men and women who own being trans and who have helped influence society towards better acceptance, and also so that other trans people can see an alternative to the social stigma and shame associated with being trans. (This is more than just visibility, even cultivating and propagating the idea that you could be proud of being trans, or the work done to help de-stigmatize gender dysphoria by recognizing that it's not all pathology, that we are a part of natural variation in humans.)

In this way I think you find some folks like Ada (and others I know IRL) who come (usually years into transition) to not only make peace with their trans identity, but who feel proud of it.

(At this point it seems there is even a "subversivism" that has emerged, where within some queer communities the dominant sexual and gender hierarchy is simply flipped, and being straight and cis are seen as negative while being queer in sexuality and gender are seen as preferred; but I'm not sure this is "pride", which in general I think is more reasonable and healthy.)

I can't really speak to what that pride is like, it might vary from person to person. I suspect it could be like a self esteem for the struggles you have endured and overcome to get where you are, and recognizing the way that has shaped you in ways you wouldn't trade.

Either way, I think the take-away is whether you integrate into cis-normative society and hide, or you become more secure in your identity and come to own it publicly, I suspect the further you get into your transition the better it gets. Surgeries, HRT, and experience with how to socially navigate the world as your gender should all improve and reduce gender dysphoria, and hopefully eventually you'll wake up one day and feel happy about who you are.