Just Post

Hey, I actually have a collection of conditions that make it difficult for me to lie. I can but the way it affects my sensory conditions negatively influences my quality of life.

I have various forms of projector type synesthesia (emotion>color, mediated/perceived emotion>color, mirror touch, texture>color, high production concept>shape) as well as hyperphantasia (strong projected visual memory), lvl1 AUD, ADHD and a few other things too.

How this all comes together is I have a strong compulsion for justice, fairness and honesty and a feedback loop from my emotions and how I perceive others emotions that project colors into my vision. Each unique color maps to an Individual emotion, so sadness is a deep bluey/purple shadow whereas happiness is a limey red sparkle wave. When I am happy, that red colors my vision, or when I perceive others as happy they are overlaid with that color. Even individual reactions, like a smile on a sad person is projected. So if someone is bluey-purple but has a genuine smile then the limey red will highlight over their mouth while they are smiling.

When I lie that affects the colors I see in my world view or how I perceive others. Colors greatly affect my mood and general outlook on life so if my world is colored from destructive or deceitful behavior then my quality of life is also greatly affected on a deeply personal level.

What this results in is a person who tries to be blatantly honest in every aspect of my life. Honest, kind and fair are the colors I try to live within. Self sacrifice for others is my jam, to a fault. My perceived emotion>color kinda forces me to surround myself with caring, loving, honest and loyal people because the colors I perceive from others behavior and personality is always in my vision when I see or think of those people.

It took me a long time to learn to live within it and not be crushed or overwhelmed. I use polarized sunglasses with colored lens anytime I am outside of a safe space where I am already comfortable with the colors, or in bright lights as they bother me. I have a hundred pairs of sunglasses on a rack in my bathroom that I chose from each day depending on what colors I need to filter the world in. This helps block or cloud negative color patterns in areas where I can’t control who or what I may be seeing. Every pair of sunglasses is unique in color, shape, size, frame and all those parameters go into what glasses I wear for that day. I plan my glasses choices based on what environments I may find myself in so I am constantly carrying various pairs with me. Even the colors, fabric and texture of the clothes I wear affect the colors I see cover everything I see in my vision.

By managing my condition in this way I elevate my quality of life, mental health and outlook on the world.

I am compelled to be helpful to others, I give a lot of my stuff away and do not horde money or expensive things. I try to live a humble, shy and introverted life.

And Narcissist ARE my arch-nemesis. A bottomless pit of need that I am compelled to try to fill for them. They are my Achilles Heel but by the time I realize their true nature I am already too connected to go cold-turkey with them. Abandonment of the friendship/relationship feels like ripping off an appendage. It is the defining struggle of my life and it seems I am like a narcissist magnet. Like, seriously, I suspect it is a pheromone thing, or they just see an easy mark. I don’t know what it is really but I seem I draw them in like flies.

Anyway, I saw your comment and was compelled to answer your call as I think I fit your “other end of the spectrum” comment in relation to narcissists.

If you have any questions I’ll do my best to answer them for you.