Relationship Advice
Welcome to the Relationship Advice community on Lemmy and Kbin!
The ideal place to ask for help with your relationships: romantic, friendships, we don't know what we are yet, co-workers or just human interactions in general.
Please make sure you read our rules before posting.
Rules:
Rules can be clicked on to be expanded.
1: Treat all users with respect. [!]
The goal of this community is helping OP and readers, not making fun of them. We are an inclusive community, any sort of disrespect towards ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, etc, will not be tolerated.
2: Mark sexual content as NSFW. [!]
Posts containing mentions or descriptions of sexual topics must be tagged as NSFW. This includes descriptions of sexual acts, requests for advice in the bedroom, explicit descriptions of your body and similar content.
3: All posts must be a request for advice.
All posts must be phrased as a request for advice or as a question. Sharing of stories, personal anecdotes, or past mistakes are only allowed if they're followed by a clear and relevant request for advice with the situation.
4: Provide sufficient and relevant information.
Your title and body need to contain enough information relevant to your situation, such as ages, genders, and the relationship between people mentioned. For privacy-related concerns, we recommend using fake names and broad general locations.
5: Comments must be on topic and relevant to OP.
Comments must be directly related to helping OP, asking for more information, providing relevant resources or otherwise relevant to the thread. Off-topic comments and remarks, suspicious attempts at gathering personal data from OP or other readers, or bullying will not be tolerated.
6: This is a community for requesting advice, not moral judgement.
Moral judgements, "AITA?" and other similar questions are better served by different communities.
Reddit reposts are allowed.
As a temporary measure and the result of a poll, Reddit reposts are allowed following an expanded set of rules: https://lemmy.world/post/317115
How are rules enforced and bans applied?
For the most part, this community operates under the assumption that users are acting in good faith and should be given second-chances for their mistakes. Posts and comments with very light rule violations, or otherwise undesired but mostly harmless content, can be removed by a moderator on a case by case basis without any further punitive actions.
For violations of our rules, we follow a “3 strike” system as follows:
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1st violation: 72 hours ban + moderator warning via PMs.
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2nd violation: 1 week ~ 1 month ban + final warning via PMs.
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3rd violation: 1 month ~ permanent ban.
The goal of this system is making sure users are made aware of their behavior before being permanently banned, but also protecting the community from any rule violations.
Exceptions:
While the “3 strike” system will be applied to the majority of situations, rules marked with a [!] in the sidebar signifies a rule that, if violated in an intentional, malicious or significant way, can warrant an immediate permanent ban regardless of the number of previous violations. This includes severe disrespect to users or groups, dangerous content, and similar.
Related communities:
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Adulting: !adulting@lemmy.world
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No Stupid Questions: !nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
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Mental Health !mentalhealth@lemmy.world
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I never put those two in the same category, tbh. I dated dozens of women, and was intimate with a few outside of what one would call dating, and I was "attracted" to all of them, or frankly we would not have gotten together. Quite a few I also had chemistry with, and would argue, still do, if they were, ya know, still in that capacity, but obviously they are not.
The reason I've faithfully been with my wife some two decades is simply respect. She checks all the other boxes AND she's the best human I've ever met. She's possessing of all the things I feel I lack and that was important to me. I try to measure myself up to her and strive to be worthy of her love, which, to me, is something certainly worth the effort.
Attraction should be without a thought, and indeed, looking in your heart, I feel just about anyone can answer that. Next, chemistry, "do I like being around this person?" Last, can I go on vacation with this person and share finances and not get driven crazy by who they are and who they aren't? Respect.
You got this friend! I'm rooting for you!
I have a lot of respect for my potential new partner, she's really got her life together and I've been told so do I.
For me respect comes easy, there are many people in my life that I respect and will always be there for them when they need me, and who make me a better person and I for them.
But maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, and feel there's a spark or love or something missing with this potential new partner, and I'm trying to figure that out.
I'm sure we can have great lives together and are a good fit in so many ways, but I'm scared that'd I'd be stuck with this feeling that I'm missing something, and I hope I fall in love with her, but yea time till tell, it's early days, let's see.
Sounds like you are buying a car or looking for a job rather than seeing her as a romantic partner.
You describe her features, not your love for her.
Two people can love each other, but not make each other happy or not give each other what they need. Logistics matter, love alone isn't enough.
I've known her for 4 weeks, the logistics couldn't be better but I feel a lack of love/spark.
That's what brings me here making this post, because I feel both are important.
I don't get it, I said you don't sound like you love her enough and you seem to agree. You keep talking about logistics as if you are looking for a new job and picking between remote work and moving to a new city.
I understand both are important to you, but you keep saying that only one side is meeting your needs.
Either you are willing to be in a less than love filled relationship for the convenience and status it brings you, or you desire the intimate connection you arent getting. You have to decide. I'm just telling you what I'm seeing from your words, essentially a business deal.
What happens when the "logistics" falter? Are you willing to compromise your self admitted desire for more? Are you willing to be unsatisfied in the emotional and romantic connection department just because your friends think she's hot?
Honestly did you even read my post or replies? What makes you think that I think any of the things you just said.
Sure logistics or even love can falter, but you need to start from a good foundation where logistics and love is at a good place to stand a chance.
Yes I read it and you focus on her appearance and her success. You don't mention any details in your op about why she matters to you beyond how your friends and family perceive her.
You describe wanting a partner to settle down with and yet you fail to mention any reasons beyond her appearance for why her logistics are meaningful.
You ask if you if you are a fool to consider that you should love someone more deeply than their "logistics".
So yes, I did read what you wrote about her. You seem conflicted between an attractive partner and finding someone you love.
You don't seem to love her, you love her features.
I never said that, I'm shocked at how completely wrong you're getting this. I'm going to assume you're a troll.
I literally in my post say that "I don't feel the chemistry/attraction"
Are you just trolling?
I'm agreeing with you that maybe she isn't the right fit for you, lol. You obviously want more and she isn't that for you.
This confirms it, you're a troll.
https://i.imgur.com/rybCqPI.png
I'm done engaging with you.
Sometimes right opinions aren't popular. And I only kind of agree with this person's thinking. So I will encourage you to take the words rather than the bandwagon.
For instance, most people who recognize an issue at once think or are told "that's everyone." If your approach works for you, that's fine, but it may not work for others, and most people seek professional help not when they feel distress, but when they experience consequences of thinking and behavior. I'm not saying that's you, there are always exceptions. I'd just encourage you to not decide based on "everyone's" criteria. Sometimes the bandwagon goes where it should and others it just doesn't. But I am glad you decided to give it more time. A month isn't nearly long enough to know much beyond superficialities.
Lol what? Idk what that stat even means. Bro you should talk with your girlfriend more if getting feedback from lemmy strangers is too much for you.
Either you want her for her status and that's enough for you, or it isn't.
You can learn to love someone more deeply, but you obviously want more than what she offers right now. I don't understand why highlighting that to you is so hard for you to hear. I'm literally validating what you are asking in your OP.
It's a measure of your attitude on the Fediverse https://piefed.social/u/beetus@lemmy.world
It's very low, so either you're a troll or you lack the ability to have good online discourse. Either way I'm done talking to you. Bye.
Ah interesting. Well according to what I'm reading you are misunderstanding what attitude is for. It describes my engagement patterns, not how my posts are received. A lower attitude means I down vote more than I up vote.
You're welcome to your opinions but you're incorrect with how that feature is described Here's a link with more info for you. https://piefed.social/comment/7077647
Bro just talk to your girlfriend and try and love her more for fucks sake.
Why do you need our permission to do so? I'm in here saying that you sound like you want to love her but don't yet, either work on it or move on.
It's hilarious how you won't engage with my feedback but instead attack my character.
Maybe you haven't actually grown from your previous toxic relationship.
You say I keep talking about logistics? When did I do that? You're literally just making things up now. Literally your first reply to me in in a message that I said that maybe I'm a hopeless romantic and that I hope that I fall in love with her.
What you claim to be seeing isn't reality. It's NOT a business deal. I have no idea what made you get to that conclusion.
Bro you used the word twice in your op. I'm just using the words you started with.
And I used the word chemistry 3 times. Context matters.
Logistics matter, if one of you badly wants kids and the other doesn't at all that's a deal-breaker no matter how madly in love you are.
People who pretend logistics don't matter are naive.
Should a 40 year old women who wants kids date a 25 year old student who lives on a different continent and firmly believes he doesn't want kids just because they are madly in love? No obviously not.
Logistics matter.
Love matters equally, I never said it didn't. Somehow you seem to gotten it into your head that I think love doesn't matter or that I don't care for love, if that was true I wouldn't have made a post literally talking about a lack of emotions/love that I feel and if others have felt the same and later found it.
Your post is asking if you should ignore your lack of a deeper connection in favor of those logistics only. I'm saying that the way you describe the relationship appears to only be centered on those logistics. You seem to want more and aren't getting that more. You should decide if you can settle for a less than ideal love for the other benefits they can offer. It seems like you already aren't sure you can settle.
https://piefed.social/u/beetus@lemmy.world = 34% Attitude
No thanks troll, not engaging further.
I must be quite the successful troll to get you to engage multiple times. Good luck with your relationship, I hope you put as much and more effort into it as you have this stupid comment chain.
It's ok to let a relationship go that you arent feeling the chemistry in. But it seems like you're too focused on what you'd lose than realize that you aren't the right fit for each other in the first place.