The Onion

(Washington DC) As Democrats cross the aisle to reopen the government after the longest government shut down in US history, republicans have taken to the offensive. House lawmakers have presented a list of demands to take on the Senate resolution, which is required to reopen the government.

“We have the Democrats on the ropes,” said one house congressman who asked to speak off the record. “After a full month with no pay to government workers, a collapsing food aid system, and the FAA shutting down flights, this is the ideal time to demand concessions.” Demands on the list are extensive, and include introduction of certain topics of legislature without filibuster, the creation of “priority states” for receiving federal disaster aide, and attendance of closed-door Democratic meetings by republicans for “monitoring.”

Some political pundits wonder if the democrats have enough fight left in them to resist. “Some of these demands are extensive. I mean, ‘Colorado?” It just says the name of the state, nothing else. ‘Less press time’ is also there, with no explanation. It’s like they started with a set number of demands and had to fill it all in.”

Democrats decry the demands, saying they have given up everything in the fight, conceded, and now are being asked for more. “We don’t know how to negotiate when republicans don’t have the good of the American people in mind.

Republicans concur. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Eastern Colorado, said, “I can believe the Democrats are even talking about this. It’s like they don’t understand how to negotiate when we don’t have the good of the American people in mind.”