The Onion

(Mar a Largo, FL) the president is said to be shaken, but in stable condition after what he claims was an attack by “masked men” in his office, after a brief official meeting after a full day of golfing. The president says the he has no idea how the assailants got through layers Secret Service security, and likewise escaped, but pointed out several times that his injuries had nothing to do with what was said in the meeting. “They were big, bad men, with masks, this was nothing to do with the meeting, what was said in the meeting,” trump reiterated to the media.

Sources close to the White House note that the last thing discussed in the meeting was a comment by FBI Director Kash Patel, who tried to convince the president that a person cannot lick their own elbow. “Trump couldn’t believe it,” said one source that asked not to be named. “I don’t remember how it came up. But Kash told him there was no way to do it.” What followed, after the meeting room was emptied, was a “struggle,” in which several pieces of furniture were broken, and trump found by secret service on the ground, bleeding from several cuts, his jacket off and sleeves rolled up. Trump blamed the damage on two large assailants who “appeared out of nowhere” and “went to town” on the president. He has called for a full investigation of antifa following the attack.

Noting that security cameras are all over the Mar a Lago facility, several press agencies have filed FOIA requests to review any relevant footage. The White House has declined to provide video footage of the events.

Some Americans are alarmed by this turn of event. Leo Stubgetter, a cow detangler in Key Largo, said, “the idea that antifa has the ability to teleport is very frightening. Also, wearing a mask is illegal, unless you are trying to deport people, where it’s mandatory. They better not have been trying to deport our commander in chief!”