I came out as trans to my partner a short while ago. She's bisexual and I figured she would probably be uncomfortable at first and then come around to the idea once I'd ironed out some of the details of how I planned to transition and gave her some time to acclimatise.
However, it turns out she's bisexual not biromantic and has additionally never found trans women attractive (despite having trans friends and at least two exs that came out as trans after the fact). When i told her what i want from medical transition she said that the thought of me changing anything about my appearance made her really sad and that she didn't think she would be able to find me attractive.
She likes my beard, body hair, voice, and overall shape. Precisely the things that are the biggest source of dysphoria for me. And while I don't have any genital related dysphoria, she's been reading about shrinkage due to estrogen and is 100% not ok with it. I'm not saying she's a size queen, but she wants it fully functional and at full capacity, I'm ok with giving her that if it were possible but it'd be more for her than me.
I know I really want to start hrt ASAP, but at the same time I can't deal with loosing her. We have a family together and she has helped me through some very difficult and dark times in my past. We are living thousands of km from our families and neither of us can afford to raise the kids on our own. I have no friends because of moving around a lot and family obligations. Aside for my love for her, I can't go through transition without an understanding adult in my life (IRL) who I can lean on when things get difficult.
She keeps saying that she wouldn't feel right trying to prevent me from doing it, but the thought of not being with her is crippling.
What do I do?
Sorry you're going through this, that's a really tough spot to find yourself in. There are no easy answers here, but maybe I can give you some other things here to think about.
First off, as far as raising your kids and parenting, I think that isn't something you need to be romantically involved for. You both love your kids (hopefully) and should both pitch in whether you're together or not. Its scary to be separated, but its something I think you could manage to still be there for your kids.
Second, I understand wanting to still be with her and not being able to imagine being without her, but will you really be happy not transitioning for her? I don't imagine it was easy coming to terms with wanting to transition. The desire needed there has to outweigh the fears involved, and I find it hard to imagine not resenting her for preventing you from pursuing your transition. How many years have you waited already? Do you want to wait more on someone else's account? For me, I think I would struggle to keep those emotions from attaching to her, and that would sour my relationship with her, so just make sure you consider whether staying with her is something that can lead to a healthy relationship while you don't transition.
If she is still friends with other exes who have transitioned after they dated, maybe you can maintain a similar friendship. If she can support you as a close confidant and child rearing partner, maybe you can live as your genuine self without losing that emotional support, even if it changes from romantic to platonic.
I wish you the best of luck. This is a difficult time for you, and I hope you find the answers you need. Your partner isn't wrong or bad for not feeling an attraction towards trans women necessarily, but it does sound like it makes you romantically incompatible. I hope either your partner makes some discoveries themselves that helps you stay compatible or that you find someone who is compatible with you
No I get that I'd just keep being miserable if I don't transition. And my partner really wants to be ok with it and wants to be there for me but she's worried she'll loose attraction.
I know I'm probably going to end up starting at some point before summer. I'm just worried about it. We've been each others entire world for almost 2 decades. And neither of us really has other family. Her mother will probably die within the year and both my parents would probably disown me if I transition.