PocketKNIFE

Look, I need to justify lugging this goddamned chopper around with me all day somehow.

I will say this about that, though. Fuck those "resealable" plastic bag packages with the "tear off" strip at the top. Like, the ones that shredded cheese and all kinds of candies come in nowadays. And freeze dried backpacker's meals, for that matter. First of all the zipper is always pre-fucked on those so they never actually reseal. But tearing the strip off of the top is also nigh impossible, especially since lately I guess to cut costs or whatever the fuck, most package producers seem to have stopped stamping the tear starter cutouts in the left and right edges. So having a sharp knife around is ideal for just lopping the tops off of those, especially if you haven't got a pair of scissors on you. (The Leatherman and Swiss Army bros will now all pop out of the woodwork to mention that, yes, in fact they do have a pair of scissors on them, thank you very much.)

Anyway, as a presumably intelligent species we are separated from dumb animals by these four things:

• Use of tools
• Mastery of fire
• Ability to banish the darkness
• Capacity for language and communication

And yet I see way too many members of H. sapiens leaving their caves every morning with no goddamn tools, fire, light, or writing stick.