Edit (Feel like i need to put this up top): Some of yall think I'm intent on being a deadbeat and that I was in the "100% never want to have kids" boat and reluctantly obliged. It was a much more careful calculation than that and I decided to do it on my own. That was just for contrxt to explain my hesitancy. We planned this shit to a T from start to finish. I'm not asking for anyone to ridicule me for "fucking up". I'm asking for advice on the situation I'm in because there is no path backwards and I intend to be a baller dad regardless of how I feel about it. There are a lot of emotions you can easily force but this is not one of them. So all the dipshits telling me what I should have done before having this kid can eat a giant bag of used needles. That being said, thank you to all of the normal fucking people who can actually read a situation and offer helpful insight/advice instead of reverting to a bridge troll. I may not respond to all of the comments because of the volume but I am grateful for the support.
New dad of a 3wk old.
I always figured I'd have a kid(s) because...that's what you do right? My wife pushed me for years and wanted 5 kids. I always said we should start with 1, so here we are. I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don't have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don't feel like that), not understanding what it means to be "happy"...stuff like that.
During pregnancy, I took on essentially all household chores and made her hot breakfast before she left for work every morning at 5am. I never felt some primal compulsion to do all of this but she was struggling and I wanted to do what I could. I kept saying to myself that the paternal instinct would kick in at some point and banked on that.
When the kid was born and I held him for the first time, I felt nothing. Figured it would happen in time. 3 weeks in, I'm still on overdrive, doing essentially all chores, changing/feeding him through the night, and still feeling nothing besides growing resentment. I'm not a monster so I won't shake the kid or anything but I just feel no desire to do any of this. I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I'm not going to hurt this kid. I'm not a violent person).
The only pressure I feel to keep going is to not get arrested for neglect, and so my family/friends/colleagues dont think im a giant piece of shit. I feel no compulsion out of love for this child. I've had no "my whole world changed and I'd die for this kid" moment other than the fact that people would be real upset with me if I didn't die for him.
My wife has been struggling and I'm trying to get her to seek additional help (already sees therapist every 2 weeks) but she frequently spirals into a place where she feels like she can't do it or feels like a failure for not doing enough or direct breast feeding because he wouldn't stay awake while feeding (she's pumping like a champ. Our freezer has a gallon of milk already and im constantly playing up her wins). I keep doing what I can to calm her fears and anxieties which aren't specifically new but now have new context. I feel like if I break down at all, she won't be able to handle it and I have to constantly keep the mood/morale up because if I don't, everything will go to even deeper shit. She's the one who wanted 5 kids and I'm now the one holding it together for us. I feel like the TikTok/Instagram virus tricked her into thinking that motherhood was all beautiful flowers and spending quality time with her perfect baby but it's a lot of gross shit and hard work from recovery to breast feeding/pumping and diapers (although I'm changing 90% of the diapers). I was not nieve to any of this. I knew what it entailed.
Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel any compulsion to keep going like I am aside from legal and societal pressure. I can figure it out if it will never happen, but it would make things a whole lot easier if it did. I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it's a job and I hate my job even though I'm killing it in the effort game. Literally the only good thing so far is that my mom is over the moon about the kid and it's the first time I've seen her happy since my dad died 2 yrs ago.
New father here as well. Let me start by saying, please ignore any negative comments, they are shitty or non-parents. I see some terrible responses here.
Here's what I see: a responsible kickass father is owning up to this huge lifestyle change, giving 110% to his wife and son, doing a perfect job emotionally and physically - service with everything but the smile. A mom going through post-partum depression, which is not only normal, it's actually abnormal not to. You're also going through something like "post-partum depression", which is also not your fault at all and totally normal. Seek help for yourself too, and remember this will all pass. You need support from your wife as well - and sometimes giving support is the greatest way to feel acknowledged, you may be doing her a favor to dump on her (and yes, I know your time to converse is like minutes per day). You're in the hardest phase and we all feel exactly the same way. It gets so much easier so quickly.
As for the sounds, I'm very, very sensitive to crying so I suggest ear protection like over-ear headset + earplugs or ear pods with white noise playing. Trust me, you don't need to hear the crying to be a responsive parent. I use physical cues like vibration, facial expressions, physical movement, etc like a deaf parent, and I use and audio monitor too to physically see the sounds. This makes me 1000x more functional and responsive.
As for not feeling the "connection" (yet!), that is textbook post-partum and again, super normal. Your guilt/anger/depression at lacking that connection, feeling lonely and unsupported - these are textbook normal things. Newborn parenting is fucking hard. In pre-history infant mortality was crazy and there was 10 adults per newborn, we're not meant to do any of this. If you exit this with 30 fingers and toes you're smashing it. I think in time you'll be able to enjoy it once you are sleeping, eating, and not completely overwhelmed. It could be years, but you know that. In the mean time, wish you (and I) luck to surviving...
Thanks. It's like people think I'm asking if I can be a deadbeat or something. I'm 100% on board with giving this kid my best. I just wanted to know if it would ever ~~feel~~ better running myself ragged.
My brain just figured out i can throw on my headphones last night because theyre comminicating no useful information. I've been talking her down a lot over the past few days and she had a call with her college friend who's now a pediatrician which helped her hit a new calmness that I haven't seen in a while.
Very much holding out for when we're able to actually connect/communicate and start development in can actually comprehend.
It does get easier after a few months. My first 6 months still haunt me. I can't describe the calm I feel when my kid eats, toilets, and dresses independently. Sometimes without even fighting about it.