this post was submitted on 01 Jul 2025
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A couple times I asked people directly if that opener worked for them.
One of them said, "I used to write more thoughtful first messages, but I didn't get good results so I don't bother anymore." I told her that writing a bad opener is likely turning away whole classes of people, likely the more thoughtful and interesting ones, but she didn't care. I said we weren't a good match and moved on.
Another one said, "But you responded so it worked!". Her profile was also largely blank. I said yeah, but it didn't make me want to date you. It was a bad first impression that made me think you're a half-asser. Rude, I know. The conversation ended shortly after.
I think communication is a skill that requires practice and feedback. Writing messages on dating apps is a more specialized form of that skill. I have years of practice now (sad, but here we are). A 30 year old woman downloading bumble for the first time, asked to write first messages? That's kind of like putting someone on the baseball field who's never played before. They probably know most of the rules intellectually, and in other parts of life they've done all the little pieces like throwing, running, and catching, but doing it all together at the right time? Not likely to go well at first.