Selfhosted
A place to share alternatives to popular online services that can be self-hosted without giving up privacy or locking you into a service you don't control.
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I wouldn't be surprised if they use hole punching. It's an old but effective technique which Skype famously used back in its heyday.
It's based on hole punching, but with extras. The clients punch a hole in their respective firewalls then the service connect the holes so the clients end up communicating directly with each other. They have a lengthy blog post about NAT traversal.
It does a few techniques depending on the type of network and security obstacles. They posted an article on it that's interesting.
I'd also check out pangolin or headscale like others recommeded though since you're already looking to self-host.