this post was submitted on 07 Jun 2025
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Unpopular Opinion
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as a person who’s wife is a very very mean drunk - like physically and emotionally - I just have been conditioned to think “those are the things she really thinks but hides. i am worthless and poor.”
This is how my mom was growing up. Didn't matter what did or didn't happen through the week, at least by Friday night you were going to get her real opinion about whatever she didn't like about you, or whatever you may have done to upset her. One time after my brother passed away she jumped on top of me when I was in bed and started clawing at me with her fingernails yelling "The wrong son died". She was as sweet as can be when she was sober, and would pretend like getting black out drunk and having a weekly melt down was totally normal. She finally stopped drinking by the time I was about 25, but I don't remember a single holiday or family vacation where she didn't get absolutely destroyed and act just as mean as she possibly could. It drove my brother to substance abuse which killed him when he was 20. "Mean" drunks are just people who hide their emotions the rest of the time, and they're toxic to be trapped with.
Yikes. I'm so sorry you grew up with that. I'm sorry you lost your brother. I hope you're doing alright now. You said it only happened when she drank; I'm glad she stopped, and I hope she's okay now too ♥️
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I have been in a similar position in the past. We are in a better place now and sober - what came out of my partner at their worst is not reflective of their true feelings, it was reflective of the traumatic environment they were raised in.
I hope things get better for you.
Sounds like a bad spot to be in. Do you have access to professional help?
My dad was an alcoholic. In rehab he/we where thought that at a certain point the person is no longer themselves but a monster who is stuck in a different kind of alcohol instinct.
Either way physical or emotional abuse is never ok. Don’t try to reason that it’s somehow not abuse and you deserve it. Making someone feel worthless about themselves is a red flag. The fact your wife poisons herself to a predictable negative result says she has not figured out life either.
I've lived this before. You're not alone, even if we can only give digital support.
I hope you have you physical support around you but if ya need someone to talk to, hit me up. More than happy to talk.
Do you have a rule in your relationship that she isn't allowed to drink around you to offer you protection from her?
This is not OK. Regardless of what provokes her, her feelings don't define you and you deserve to be safe.