this post was submitted on 02 May 2025
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I think I am perceived as assertive, but I think it's just a rigidity in my mindset that leads to certain compulsive behaviors that translate to people mistaking me for being assertive. Usually if "assertiveness" is happening it's more like I'm essentially throwing a controlled tantrum because something has gone very wrong.
In reality I am so conflict-averse that I'll let a problem become huge before addressing it with someone, and I rarely feel entitled to stand up for myself. I'm often so shy and soft spoken people can't hear me. I have such a low opinion of myself that I often won't even attempt certain tasks that I am intimidated by, on the assumption that I will never succeed.
At work I try to be more assertive, and my partner often pushes me to be more assertive in some situations. It's hard, but I do feel like I'm improving - at work I have less catastrophic thinking now and I'm more likely to just work a task to completion rather than spiral in self doubt when I run into major roadblocks.
Being conflict averse is something a lot of women struggle with. Have you always struggled with it?
Yes, as far as I can remember. I experienced what is called "adverse childhood experiences" growing up, so that might have played a role 😅 I was actually forced by a stepparent to be more assertive, I would be criticized or punished for not speaking loudly enough or confidently enough. (Later, I was also criticized for appearing too confident and authoritative - there was no way to be right or safe.)
So I would say I struggled with assertiveness and then was sorta trained to overcome it, which resulted in becoming an unpleasantly critical person who is by nature shy but under stress can react with critical correctiveness that comes across as assertive. But I don't particularly like being that way, it's not exactly the same as being self-confident or assertive, it's awful.