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[CW] I think I've hit the end of my rope (beehaw.org)

submitted 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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I first tried to kill myself in 2000, and writing about it of course resulted in another fucking award from Columbia.

My drug dealer broke into my apartment, found my phone, called everyone he'd ever heard me talk about, and then finally 911. I'd been thorough.

At that point, it was merely personal problems; we now have systemic ones.

I'm still crashing with a friend but return to the marginally movable trash can tomorrow.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting. I just know "not this" is where I'm at in life, and one can only spend so much time with the crisis line.

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[–] [email protected] 12 points 3 weeks ago (7 children)

I'm not going to try and find the "right" thing to say because I'll surely fail. What I can say is that I've lost two people to suic*de, one a family member that I was just getting to know in my adult years and we were getting along so well, discovering we had lots in common. My heart hurts to see you in this position, and it hurts to be reminded that I didn't pay attention to the signs that my family member would be taking their life upon reflecting on events that led to that day. What I hope to convey in this is that I see you, and I recognize that you're reaching out. I don't know if any of us have the answer, but I'll be damned if I make the mistake of not recognizing when I could bring even a modicum of grace and kindness to my fellow human. I'm sorry this shit show of a timeline is so damn shitty. You surely deserve better.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 weeks ago (6 children)

I think what hits hardest is that my entire professional life was attempting to help others, and this is what karma is delivering.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

It's all so confusing when you put what you interpret to be "good" out into the world, only to be shit on, chastised, or ignored after the fact. Reading what Kwakigra responded to you with, and remembering the examples of Pals coming together and celebrating community despite the horrors they face, I'm reminded of a cliché - those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind. In your struggles, despite them or because of them, you can still find community. I count myself as grateful to see your continued contributions here, and it sounds like others feel similarly. You've probably opened my eyes to a number of things that enrich my life in these two short years here. I just hope that this random Internet person (me) can somehow show thanks for your existence. Does this count for much? Maybe not, but maybe. All I know is that you seem to be a positive influence here, and I appreciate you.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago

Thank you. I'm just in a dark place. Seriously, it's impossible to know what time it is.

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